(Closed) SPINOFF: Why do people expect their parents to contribute to their wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 62
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Man a lot of these comments are super judgey. As to all of the “if you are old enough and responsible enough to get married you should be able to foot the bill” people, you are speaking to YOUR situation. I became disabled two years ago and unable to work so I am now reliant on my parents for support. But had that not been the case, I would be a doctoral student right now. SO is also a grad student, and will be in school for a few more years and a training period after that though he is basically assured of a good paying job and the training period pays well enough. We our in our late twenties/early thirties. We have been responsible financially as well as fortunate and have enough saved to throw a wedding ourselves though we would probably have a very small wedding if we were paying ourselves and put the money elsewhere. When I told my parents we were getting married, they offered to pay. They don’t want us to spend our savings when we will not have income for a few years yet, and they can more than afford it. I think it’s also a gesture of goodwill towards SO’s family. Anyway, plenty of grad students are old & responsible enough to have a wedding but have no savings and little income at the moment. No one should expect their parents will pay. I didn’t, though I suspected they would want to. But not having money to blow on a huge party and graciously accepting wedding money from parents does not make people irresponsible or not as worthy of a wedding party as you.

Post # 63
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My Fiance saw it as, he wants to prove to our families that he can provide for me for the rest of our lives. How would that look if he was going around receiving hand outs!

 

Also i personally think it is up to you to pay for it, u decided to get married not ur poor bloody parents lol

 

Also in Australia this isnt a relatively big tradition 🙂

Post # 64
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
@wilfred:  there are plenty of people that dont have the moeny for a wedding or hard up with saving, why dont they just wait until they can afford it? whats the rush? But like your story everyone has their own valid reason as to why they would except the money. 

Post # 65
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think some families do contribute to weddings and have savings set aside for this…but I think this is probably made apparent early on in the planning process.  If noone has offered I think it should be accepted that this first and foremost is the bride and groom’s responsiblity. 

Fiance and I were ready to get married 3 years ago but could not have afforded the traditional wedding with food, gifts, travel etc.  3 years later we are in a greater position to have the wedding of our dreams.  It was hard waiting but in the end the wait was very beneficial to us, not only are we not as stressed about the money but we have had a lot of time to develop our relationship to be truly ready for marriage.

Post # 66
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I “expected” it in that I knew they were planning to offer to pay, because they had always said as much and before I got engaged my parents brought it up again and this is pretty much just what happens in my area.  “Expecting” that they’d offer however didn’t mean I felt entitled to it. I was incredibly grateful, if they hadn’t brought it up I certainly wouldn’t have, and I would never have held it against them had they not offered. But I suppose my “expecting” was really more “predicting” than demanding lol

Post # 67
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Tradition. And because often the parents want to contribute. It’s family; it’s not like they’re expecting other people – strangers – to foot the bill.

Post # 68
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

At first I wasn’t expecting my parents to contribute anything (they are against my same sex wedding) however I was a little sad about it because they spent a lot on my sisters wedding.  She had a fancy wedding at the Bellagio and I’m having a modest wedding at the Radisson! 

So my Fiance and I planned a wedding that we could afford since niether one of us expected our parents to help.  My mom has come around to the fact that I am getting married married to a woman and has offered to contribute, I think because I wasn’t expecting her help I am now really grateful that she has offered to help.

Post # 69
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dannielle89:  People watch too much TV/too many movies.

My mom gave us $5000 as an “engagement gift” to pay for our visa, wedding, travels, etc. I thought that was lovely of her. She says she give whatever she can at the wedding, also, but I’ve told her it isn’t necessary. I accepted it the first itme because frankly, we needed it for legal matters regarding our visa, and we were happy to have a nice little wedding with the rest. I’ll feel umcomfortable if she tries to give us more… I’d prefer that she saves the rest for her retirement.

Anyway, I think if parents want to kick in, that’s nice. It should be EXPECTED, though.

Post # 70
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@lybarra:  I *do* think that parents should do for one child what they do for the other in all manners, including weddings. Same-sex marriage can be a toughie for people who don’t want to accept it… nice that they’re coming around, though!

Post # 71
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Tradition. For me it was always something that I somewhat earned. I was promised a wedding by waiting to get married after I have my college degree. Luckily my parents can afford to do that for me. But whether my amount was $1000-$10,000, I’d make it work and be blessed that my parents did this for me.

Post # 72
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I didn’t expect my parents or his parents to pay for the wedding.. I also didn’t expect anyone to contribute but what I was upset about was the fact that I had to pay for certain guests that I have never met that his mother wanted to invite.. how is that fair?

Post # 73
Member
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

When we started planning, we expected to pay for the wedding ourselves but I honestly also hoped that family (his and mine) would contribute something.  I wished for it, not expected it.  My father makes very good money but always cries broke.  Fi’s father is well off, but has grown very cheap and stingy with his money.  So we just went in with the mindset that we’d foot the whole bill.  Surprisingly, my father did end up paying for my dress ($200)… my grandmother told him he had to LOL.  And my grandmother gave me $200, which went to little miscellaneous things.  Also fi’s mom has helped here and there (making the ties for the gm, the outfit for the ringbearer and flower girl and even my linens).  not sure if anyone else will contribute anything else and we’re fine with that.

I don’t get it why people would just expect their parents to pay for their wedding unless it’s tradition in their family or was promised.  I do think those whose parents have, are very lucky. But the fact that we’re paying for this oursleves has given us free reign to do what we want.  While fmil footed the entire bill for fsil’s wedding 12 years ago, I still didn’t expect her to really do the same for us..nor would I want her to as she had total control over fsil’s wedding and planned the whole thing according to how she wanted it.

Post # 74
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree that it has to do with tradition. It started off with the father of the bride paying for her dowry and is now parents paying for the wedding. When I first got engaged I wasn’t expecting my parents to pay for anything, although I hoped they would. I didn’t want an elaborate wedding but I wanted something. I still don’t expect them to pay for anything and they haven’t brought it up, but FH and I could foot the bill if we needed to. We’d have to cut out a lot of stuff, but I agree with having the wedding you can afford.

Post # 75
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

People keep saying “tradition” but lots of things are techincally traditional that we don’t do anymore. Fathers dn’t own their daughters, for instance. I think it’s incredibly rude and childish to ever presume your parents will foot the bill (especially teh entire thing). If you get offered money, that’s great, and there’s no issue in accepting. But presuming, based on anything, that someone will just give you money… no.

If you feel you’re mature enough to get money, you should be willing to pay for your whole wedding.

Post # 76
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My parents paid for a part of my sister and brother’s wedding, so yes, I expected them to contribute the same to mine.  They also invited a number of friends.  That said, we did have the funds to pay for it ourselves.

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