(Closed) SPINOFF: Why do people expect their parents to contribute to their wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 77
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@futuremrslennon:  couples could wait and save, or do a courthouse wedding. If I needed to save up for a wedding, I would rather have a courthouse wedding or cake and punch reception and spend my $ elsewhere. But weddings in my view are very much about family. A reception is often more important to parents than the couple themselves, so of they want to pay, that’s just fine. Each family does things differently, and I just don’t think outsiders really have any business judging if it’s acceptable for a couple to accept help from their parents or not. 

 

ETA: just clarifying my point, not accusing you of judging!

Post # 78
Member
1748 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have two older sisters and my father paid for their weddings, and so, naturally, I expected the same. My Fiance and I are paying for a handful of things (photographer, all paper and invites, honeymoon, rehearsal dinner) and my parents are paying for the rest and I am very grateful for my parent’s generous contribution. But even knowing from the get go that my parents were going to be paying for a majority of stuff, we still say down and discussed the breakdown of every thing and it was made clear who was paying for what and what the budget was. It shouldn’t be a shock or a surprise.

Post # 79
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My parents have always told me that they would pay for everything when I got married but I assumed that was only the case if I got married years ago. I’m going to be an older bride when I tie the knot (34) and I am financially sound, own my own home, and certainly don’t rely on my parents for assistance.

That being said, when my SO and I talked engagement with them (we were not talking money, just letting them know we were heading that way), they reminded me again that they would be happy to pay. I was surprised given my age, but they have the money set aside in an account! And that money has been waiting a long time.

Anyhow, long story short anybody that thinks I’m leeching off my parents or “if you’re old enough to get married you have to pay for your own” can keep on tooting that horn if that is what works for them, I was touched and pleased by my parents offer, and I’m going to accept it. It is something they would really like to do. It’s the kind of guy my dad is especially. He’s very excited.

Post # 80
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

My parents are paying for most of our wedding, FI’s parents will be contributing also. I guess I always kind of expected my parents to pay because that’s what they have always said they would do, what my mum’s mother did for my parents, etc etc. I would never demand it or throw a fit if they didn’t offer. They didn’t pay for my undergrad degree but contributed the equivalent into shares for me, which I think is better. They may be paying for my postgrad, but I am happy to get student loans.

ETA: Oh and my parents haven’t and won’t buy me a car, I plan on buying my own when I get my licence and can afford it.

Also, they will have some say in it, probably mainly with the number of people we can invite, as our guest list was 100 with family and family friends alone, Fiance and my friends only numbered 5 out of 100.

Post # 81
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My parents basically just took care of everything. My husband and I would discuss things we wanted and either it was worked on and made to happen or they “upgraded” the idea a bit. I realize that made sound a little “oh look how awesome it was for me”, and I don’t want to sound pompus. My husband and I paid for the rings and the limos.

I told my mom that I loved having her help but we weren’t going to snap our fingers and just expect that what we wanted to appear. I feel like we were lucky in doing a lot ourselves which helped with cost so we could do more. My mom is graphic artist, so she did our invitions and programs. My mom, neighbour, MOH/cousin did all the flowers. Mom and I did centerpieces. A friend is a professional videographer and she did it for free since my mom made some invitions for her children’s bat & bar mitzvah. Because of those factors we were able to do more with what we were spending on.

I have a friend who comes from a different culture and was kind of upset with me that my parents have been so generous. My parents even paid for the bridesmaids’ dresses and their hair (trail and actual day) and we bought the ties for the guys.. My husband rented the vests and bought the shirts for the guys. She felt that “wasn’t appropriate”. We considered them gifts and wanted to help them out.

Post # 82
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Both sets of our parents are comfortable.  They each contributed about X to the wedding, and left it up to us what to do with it (with a few caveats – specific types of drinks requested, a shuttle bus to the hotel to curb drunk driving, but nothing huge).

However, if neither set of parents had offered $, or if they had offered less, then we would have toned down the weding and hosted something within that specific budget.  My husband and I certainly didn’t EXPECT them to contribute.

Post # 83
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I agree with PPs that some of the comments have been very judgemental…

Post # 84
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree that if someone honestly and reasonably expects their parents to pay, but then they don’t come through, you can’t really b*** about it. But, it is definitely possible to reasonably expect parents to pay for your wedding. 

I think there are a few reasons why me and (nearly all of my friends who are engaged) would expect parents to pay (1) They offered during your childhood/ young adult years. (2) Religion. They don’t want you to live together if you’re not married, and you won’t be able to afford a wedding for 3-4 more years. (3) Tradition. You know that 90% your friends parents paid for their weddings. (4) You are ready to be married but would only be able to afford a “courthouse”/small ceremony, and they want you to have a “proper”/large wedding. (5) Ego. My parents aren’t much on “keeping up with the Jones’s” (they are cheap and live well below their means) but some parents are.

It’s like college, some parents save more than others and will send you to whatever school you want, some parents don’t save at all. Some parents don’t see the value in anything but community college. You make your decision about where to go to school based on how much money is available to you and if you want to take out loans. Whatever your situation, you normally aren’t blindsided by it, and you normally have certain expectations about how much your parents will offer. 

People grow up in different families and different economic environments. Some very well-off parents might not buy you a car or pay a lot for your education, but have offered to pay for a wedding. (like me). Some may buy you a pretty nice car, but wouldn’t pay for a wedding. (like my friend). Its just the relationship you have with them and the way they’ve communicated with you. 

Post # 85
Member
898 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think in this day and age,  an adult child shouldn’t *expect* their parents to pay for the wedding.  Of course, if parents offer, then that’s great!

Because we were “older” when we got married, my husband and I did not expect our parents to contribute anything.  To be honest, his parents wanted to pay for a lot of things, almost half the total cost, and we said absolutely not.  So we “compromised” by letting his parents pay for 1 thing of their choosing (they bought my bridal necklace–it’s what they use in place of a ring in their culture).  I didn’t plan on asking my mom for any money either, but she asked if she was expected to pay half the wedding, and I said absolutely not!  Then when she asked if she could pay for at least something, I ended up letting her choose 1 thing to pay for as well. 

So…if you include our jewelry in the process, we probably had our parents pay for about 10% of our total wedding costs. We wouldn’t allowed for them to pay any more, as we have good jobs and they are all closer to retirement/still working/needing to save for old age.

They both helped IMMENSELY in non-monetary ways though.  We honestly couldn’t have done it without their help.  That was truly priceless.

Post # 86
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

We didn’t expect our parents to contribute anything for our wedding.  We paid for everything (except for the price per head of guests that our parents wanted to invite – my opinion was – you want them there? you pay).  This made the planning fairly easy – no family dynamics to deal with because as the people paying, we had final say on everything.

 

Post # 87
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m going to say tradition in general, for many people. For us, FI’s parents dropped a large amount of money on his older brother’s wedding (mostly because FSIL’s parents first gave them x amount, so they went to Future Mother-In-Law and FFIL/FSMIL and asked them to match it), so it wouldn’t really be fair for them to not help us out. 

We did, however, plan the wedding that we could afford, and decided that, if they wanted to help us out, we would welcome it, but not pursue it if they didn’t offer. They’re very happy with the choices we’ve made as far as planning goes (especially money-saving options), and have helped us out where they can, which we’re very grateful for.

Post # 88
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think my parents were so thrilled to be finally marrying me off…ha!  I never assumed they would help, afterall, I’m in my 30s, but they wanted to, and insisted that it was part of their gift to Fiance and I starting our new life.  We are paying for a chunk of it too. 

Post # 89
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

both families are comfortable and are able to contribute X amount of dollars to our wedding. His family are having way more guests than mine so they feel as though they should pay more but I’m the only child so my parents really want to splurge on me.

I think they feel guilty because we never were finanically sound and I moved out young which came with a lot of financial struggles for myself. I think once I left they were able to pull themselves together and now they are doing well so they want to share that with me, because really they have everything they could ever want and this is definately a priority for them.

But again I never expected them to be paying for the wedding at all I fully expected to pay for it on our own and would be more than happy planning a smaller wedding but since both sets of parents want a big party they are contributing to it.

Post # 90
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think because it’s common….I wouldn’t get mad if my parents couldn’t as a matter of fact, they can’t. My in-laws are giving us half (they offered). I know for myself, when my daughters get older, hopefully will be able to help them with their wedding.

Post # 91
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My Fiance and I are paying for the whole thing ourselves. It’s just our own personal wedding journey to not ask our parents for money. 

The topic ‘SPINOFF: Why do people expect their parents to contribute to their wedding?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors