(Closed) Spinoff: why is a honeymoon registry considered tacky, but a gift registry isn't

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree… I’m using Wanderable for my honeymoon registry, because I really dont want a bunch of odds and ends for my house. That being said, we can totally afford the honeymoon we are going on, in fact its already paid for. The registry just has stuff like meals and special day trips we can take. It was either this or no registry, and most people I mentioned it to think its a really cool idea!

Then I come to the bee and feel like crap when I see what people have to say about honeymoon registries 🙁

To me a registry is a registry, I dont see what the difference is.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  ktsteimel.
Post # 3
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Totally agree. I was wondering this same thing. But as mentioned on previous threads, sometimes etiquette standards are different depending on where you live. Maybe it’s kind of like the cash bar debate, in some places you will be shamed for having one and in others it’s perfectly acceptable or even preferred? I think that it really comes down to who is coming to your wedding. Do you think your guests will be offended? Maybe talk with your parents and find out what they think.

Post # 4
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would think it would be fine, one way or another you are asking for a gift basically by having a registry, so why is one okay & the other isnt? We got so much random stuff for our wedding that we probably wont use (Think $45 wine decantor..) But the money we got went towards paying two months of our mortgage payment & a savings account for household emergencies/starting a family. We also used a small portion to go deep sea fishing which was an amazing experience for us. I’d rather gift towards something like that than a 3rd crockpot. 

Post # 5
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Vineyard on Long Island

Not an answer to your question, unfortunately, but just wanted to voice that I agree with you and would be interested in hearing what others think.

Fiance and I are in an apartment that we’ve fully furnished and have been living in for over 2 years.  We have everythign we need and can fit right now, so when I brought up the idea of figuring out things we’d want to register for, he nearly had an anxiety attack.  He’s super anti-clutter and the thought of having people spend money on things we don’t need and don’t have room for made him flip a lid haha.  We’ll likely be doing a Wanderable or Honeyfund type situation since we’re not planning on having moved to a house by the time our wedding rolls around.  We, also, can totally afford to pay for the honeymoon, but we’d rather dissuade people from buying us “items” if they wish to spend money on a gift for us.  The information about our “experience” registry would be known by both sets of parents and the wedding party, so if anyone asked where we’re registered, the word could be passed along that way.

Post # 6
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
loveisbrewing:  Unless your honeyfund is allowing guests to buy actual experiences, it is nothing more than a disguised way of making an unsolicited request for money, which goes against general norms in the USA because of associations with asking for charity.  Of course there are areas of the USA where cash gifts are more common, but since people grow up with the norm of cash gifts, there is no need for people in those parts of the country to make unsolicited requests for cash.  Remember that it is the unsolicited part that is key here–you can tell people you are saving for something when they specifically ask what you would like as a gift just as much as you can tell people you want a china setting or something.  It is not rude to have a preference for certain gifts–including cash–(though it is, of course, rude not to send a gracious note of thanks for every gift received or to badmouth people who do not gift to your exact preferences) what is considered rude is making your preferences known without being asked, because in doing so you are assuming that you are entitled to a gift, which you are not.

For the record, the strictest traditional etiquette does not necessarily approve of gift registries that were created solely for the wedding either (they do make me uncomfortable and I don’t think I’d have one for myself).  For why that is, you should search for weddingmaven and aspasia475’s posts on this topic–both of them go into the history of registries and how they have evolved in practice in North America. 

Post # 7
Member
47440 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
loveisbrewing:  The thread you are referring to has been deleted, so I can’t check my recall, but I think we are talking about two entirely different things.

My recall was that the subject of that thread was starting a go fund me page for their honeymoon, not a discussion about honeyfunds. That is a much different thing than a honeyfund. Go fund me is basically begging. No one has already made the decision to buy you a gift, and is seeking guidance on what that gift should be

Modern etiquette is more accepting of honeyfunds as an alternative registry for couples who don’t need physical gifts. My personal bias against honeyfunds is that I would rather give you the whole amount in a check, than pay a commission to a fund. I also find it rather disingenuous to pretend that I am buying you an excursion, when in fact you are getting the cash.

Post # 8
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
MarriedToMyWork:  Honestly, I could care less about the “history of registries”. Its a new day in age!

Post # 9
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
ktsteimel:  The OP asked a question, and to answer her question I believe it is necessary to understand that the modern wedding registry in North America is an offshoot (at least in part) of an earlier practice of keeping a registry that was not connected with weddings and that the confusing and arguably contradictory way in which general practice treats physical gift registries, which, if set up solely for a wedding/shower are also unsolicited requests, is a consequence of this fact that a registry used to have a slightly different function. 

Post # 10
Member
1594 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
loveisbrewing:  I have no idea – I would love to “gift”  an excursion or spa package or really nice dinner as a wedding present for the honeymoon!! I think it’s a cool idea, especially if you don’t really need the “normal” registry/home items or plan on having an amazing honeymoon adventure. 

I think our friends and family would have loved to do something like that for us but we took a delayed honeymoon so it wasn’t planned yet. 

 

Post # 11
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

The post you are referring to, the OP wanted to create a gofundme page to fund her honeymoon. While this is the same to some people, I find it much much worse than your typical honeyfund.

 

Post # 12
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s because honeymoon registries are realy just collecting money diguised as experiences.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the concept, as long as the couple is really going to do the experiences they ask for.  We did have a honeymoon registry and a gift registry, and I made very sure that we did every excursion I listed.  And for people who didn’t like it, well, they don’t have to use it.  They can give a check or something else if they are inclinded to give a gift, just like any other registry. 

I think Julies has it right- GOFundMe just comes across as begging, rather than a suggestion to someone who already wishes to purchase you a gift.  It feels less tangible, even if the end result is basically the same. 

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Because some people like to find things to be offended about. To me there’s no difference.

Post # 14
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
loveisbrewing:  While I don’t love giving to honeyfunds as a gift (I’d rather give cash or a gift card if I’m not going to give a physical item), I don’t find them offensive.

While yes, the couple can technically do whatever they want with the cash, my friend who used one said it was nice because then they felt compelled to do the activities that they might have otherwise passed on because they didn’t want to spend the money. Once someone selected, say, a scuba diving excursion for them, they did it because they felt that it had been given to them and they wanted to be able to tell the giver about the experience.

Post # 15
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

Here’s what I think.

JUST a honeymoon registry? Kinda tacky, idk, to me it comes across as “I will not like any physical gift you give me” and I just think it’s a little inconsiderate of your great aunt Irma who just wants to go to a store and pick you up something nice cuz she’s oldschool like that. I mean, peeps like that are gonna give you a physical gift vs cash anyway, so it’s nice to give them an idea so they aren’t fretting about giving you something you don’t need

Regular registry + honeymoon registry? Acceptable. As a millenial who doesn’t have a checkbook, uses PayPal and other online transaction sites daily, and recognizes that cash is more useful and isn’t an “impersonal” gift, I really appreciate honeyfunds and the like. But not everyone does, so even if your regular registry has like, 3 things on it, at least people feel like they have a choice. Just my opinion 

The topic ‘Spinoff: why is a honeymoon registry considered tacky, but a gift registry isn't’ is closed to new replies.

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