(Closed) Spinoff: why is a honeymoon registry considered tacky, but a gift registry isn't

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
919 posts
Busy bee

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loveisbrewing: No, they don’t, but the original purpose of wedding gifts was to provide couples with things they need to live a life together, which does include linens and homegoods. Even though many couples live together long before marriage, traditional gifts are still intended to support the joining of two separate households.

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Overjoyed: Pretty much yes. The way I see it, if you want a fancy trip, you should be funding that yourself, and that includes all of it. Asking people to fund your luxuries just not in good taste.

I realize that times have changed and etiquette is no longer as rigid as it used to, and I probably sound like someone’s grandmother (I’m 26, I swear…). Both my parents and FI’s parents are very concerned with how to do things “properly” (FI’s in particular… he’s very WASP-y). In the way I was raised, asking for cash is one of those things you absolutely do not do. I texted my mom out of curiosity just now, and she told me that if I registered for money, she would be mortified that she somehow raised a greedy child with no manners.

I personally wouldn’t judge someone who had one, but I also wouldn’t contribute to it, either.

Post # 47
Member
13900 posts
Honey Beekeeper

As I mentioned on the other thread, the polite fiction behind a physical registry is that it’s a list of things the couple is collecting in order to set up their new home, which others have to proactively seek out.

PPs are correct in saying traditional etiquette doesn’t even approve those. Since the history was brought up, registries were originally really nothing more than a marketing scheme by the department stores, meant to keep track of a couple’s  china, crystal and silver collection.

But a honey fund is really nothing more than a cash grab. They cut you a check, minus fees, that can be used for anything at all. Even in circles where cash is a tradition, there’s a big difference between voluntarily writing a check unsolicited and coming across a “list of money” the couple is collecting.

Traditional etiquette considers asking for money in any form to be associated with the destitute, not people who are spending big money on a wedding. In addition, as a wedding related expense and a lifestyle choice, a honeymoon is optional and has long been considered the sole responsibility of the couple. 

The new Emily Post, as I’ve pointed out, is much more bride centric and does not disapprove them, although they do warn couples that not everyone will be a fan. 

Post # 48
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3458 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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raliel:  Ok.

 

Directed at no one in particular: I still don’t see how a honeyfund is registering for money. To me, it’s registering for a gift. And gifts obviously cost money. If I registered for a toaster, a guest would go through almost the exact same process to purchase it online, pay for it with their credit card and have it sent to me. They’d even have to pay taxes on it, lol (for those complaining about the site taking a cut). IDK. I guess it’s not for me to understand. #movingrightalong

Post # 49
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

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raliel:  Out of curiosity, how would your mom react if you registered for a bunch of expensive china and linens and kitchen gadgets? Lots of my WASP-y ex-classmates with personal and family wealth create insane registries at Tiffany and Michael C. Fina and no one seems to mind…they sure get fulfilled quickly. Why would expensive gifts be an appropriate way to celebrate the joining of two separate households (which would theoretically have twice the number of necessary household goods), while gifting a honeymoon experience would not be appropriate? Is a sterling silver punchbowl any less of an unnecessary luxury than a dinner on the beach in Kauai? The distinction is just so contrived and arbitrary.

Post # 50
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919 posts
Busy bee

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FantasticFawn: She would similarly not be pleased.

Post # 51
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

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raliel:  That’s good, at least her position is consistent. Are you not making a gift registry at all, then? If not, your stance totally makes sense – not asking for anything you don’t really need.

Post # 52
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2076 posts
Buzzing bee

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Overjoyed:  Because at the end you don’t get the gift you were gifted.  For example.  If a guest buys you a romantic dinner, you don’t get an actual dinner reservation made for you.  You get a check minus a fee from the website.  But if someone buys you a toaster, you get a toaster.  Now most people will use the money for what it was intended to be used for.  But there are people out there that will pocket the money.  But if you get a toaster you can’t use it to buy a sofa, you know.

And yeah when people buy a physical gift they have to pay taxes and possible shipping charges, but they go into purchasing a gift with full knowledge of those fees.  Many times people do not know that the website is going to take a cut of the money when they “buy” an excursion.

Post # 53
Member
919 posts
Busy bee

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FantasticFawn: We have a very small registry at BB&B for my shower. We weren’t going to register at all, but my Maid/Matron of Honor and her mom were very set on hosting one for me, and since I see my family once a year or so, it seemed in poor taste to refuse.

Post # 54
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee

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raliel:  Yup, I thought as much. How are those two positions reconcilable?

Edited to add: Answer: they’re not. I know you’re not the only person in this thread who has very inconsistent views on gift registries and honeymoon registries, but you really rubbed me the wrong way with your comment on how horribly tacky honeymoon registries are (and subsequently going on to say you don’t judge those with honeymoon registries…okaaayyy), and then going on to say how proper and etiquette-focused you and your family are. Sigh.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  FantasticFawn.
Post # 56
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Ballroom

We have both a traditional registry (albeit very small) and a honeymoon registry.  We are planning to participate in all of the events and entertainment we have listed on our honeymoon registry, and in fact have already purchased tickets to 90% of the events on it.  I feel like our guests are “reimbursing” us for the things we’ve already paid for, and could readily afford, on the honeymoon.  We’re both over 40 and have already combined households, and don’t need most of the items you see on a traditional registry.  We really only did that registry to satisfy some of the people who are opposed to honeymoon registries.  I’m really glad that most of my friends and family have been supportive of the honeymoon registry because it’s really our preferred gift choice. 

Post # 57
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

because people are rude and hypocritical 😀

Post # 58
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

For those that are using a honeymoon registry.  What happens if people gift you things off your registry only a few days prior to you going on your honeymoon?  You won’t have the money in hand from the website company at that point so will you still do those bought excursions and pay out of pocket?

I just feel like the majority of people in the world do not actually know how a honeymoon registry/fund works.  They think they are buying you something amazing, but little do they know that they really aren’t.  I think if more people knew how they worked they would be less apt to use them.  I mean why send money through a third party site when you can easily shove the cash in the card and hand it to the couple on their wedding day?

Post # 59
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

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loveisbrewing:  I don’t think it’s tacky at all!! A few weddings I’ve been to have done this!  Don’t listen to people 🙂

Post # 60
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Blue Devil Golf Club

We have a honeyfund as our registry and not a single soul has told us (even the older family members who wanted to know) that it was tacky or wrong.  In fact, most of them thought it was great and wished they had those available when they got marrried!

The topic ‘Spinoff: why is a honeymoon registry considered tacky, but a gift registry isn't’ is closed to new replies.

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