(Closed) SpinOff – Why is choosing to be a SAHW/SAHM considered a cop out?

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 346
Member
919 posts
Busy bee

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letterstolove :  While I understand where you’re coming from, I don’t think it’s fair to say the coding community doesn’t care. SO is a computer engineer who’s fluent in many different languages, and all jobs he’s applied for have demanded he show them a personal project or examples of his code he’s used in past jobs or internships. His friend recently applied for a software/coding position and was not given it because he couldn’t show professional coding experience. Then again, I’ve only seen software engineer examples, and that is much different than basic coding, which I image wouldn’t demand too much of a side project to be seen. So while you’re right in some lights, it could be wrong in others and try not to get too settled on that:)

Post # 347
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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passthepeas :  Yes, this! different things are also easier for different people. Dh would lose his mind creating meal plans and cleaning schedules and researching purchases. i hate office work. it all depends. life is short, so choose what you like! everything isn’t a reflection of morality or value.

i’m just sort of a low-key person. i like simple things and i really value laid back living and making the most of each day. 

Post # 349
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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yourhandinmine :  I actually misread the post I was responding to at first. Yes, you definitely need professional level personal projects and stuff to show your creds! I don’t want anyone thinking you can just show up with literally nothing and be okay lol. But again, you can at least learn the skills at home, just like you can learn lots of other unrelated skills at home and be able to still put them into practice in some form or the other. 

and ETA: I don’t want it to come across either that coding is easy. Learning the languages I did took months and months of learning 4-5 days a week for hours each day. It’s hard and other languages can get super complicated, depending on what you’re doing. And to get a proper job, you need to learn at least a good 6 or so languages, be fluent in them, get some projects done, etc. But again, that CAN be (but not always is) done at home (like my friend and other people in the coding community). I never got to that point, I don’t know if I will. Again, I’m not SAH right now. I picked that up when I was, because it interested me. As long as SAHs keep up their interests and hobbies and keep learning and growing, I don’t see what the problem is. I would venture that SAHWs who lay around all day doing nothing are probably depressed and maybe aren’t fit to be SAH’s in the first place. But I digress.

I think I’ve said all I can on this topic. No hard feelings.

Post # 350
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15039 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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fossilizedbee :  I don’t believe it’s a “fact” that being in the workforce is harder than staying home and taking care of all the domestic household work.

Those that are in the workforce dont have some magic stay at home housework fairy (well, I suppose unless they hire a cleaning crew, gardener, cook, finance manager, & personal assistant, which less face it, most dont) then being in the workforce AND having to do all the domestic housework is harder.  When you have to do two things instead of one, it’s “harder”.

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mrshomemaker :  lots of working women on this thread pointing out how much harder it is to work than not to work.

LOL.  Is it not?  That is the very defintion of “work”… it’s “harder” to “work” than “NOT work”.

Post # 351
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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pinkshoes :  I’m not sure if you are including SAHMs in this statement. But FWIW, I find being home with my kids full time and keeping up with everything a lot harder than when I had a full time job. Granted, I have health issues now that I didn’t have when I worked, but even on the days I’m feeling normal…I found it easier to work. No one was home all day to wreck the house lol

Post # 352
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

When does a Stay-At-Home Mom become a SAHW!? My sister has been at home with her children – One is now in university and the other two are 16 and 15 respectively. Is she still considered a SAHM!?

Post # 353
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15039 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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amb1030 :  Absolutely not.  SAHM is not even remotely the same as a a wife that chooses not to join the work force.  The reason I think Stay-At-Home Mom became a term though was that there was a real monetary value to one given the high cost of day care.  I mean, if it’s $2k for day care and one doesnt take home much more than that, then it makse sense to stay at home rather than pay for day care for that equivalent “value”.  SAHW isn’t even a real term in my book.

Post # 354
Member
27 posts
Newbee

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brideprivee :  I am defensive when ppl claim an opinion as a fact. I am defensive when ppl judge others. I’m defensive when ppl also claim I made a choice that I did not make (ie being a SAH). If someone references my post, I just want them to represent it correctly and not claim that I have made statements that I am a SAH when I am not one. That’s all 🙂 

Post # 355
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

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pinkshoes :  Yep! I’ve already written that I think it’s easier. I’m just not sure why you have such a strong need for other people to acknowledge that working is harder than not working, but I can say it again: I think it’s easier not to work full-time than to work full-time. My comment about workers jumping at the chance to point out “I have it harder!” doesn’t have to do with whether I think that’s true or not, but about WHY that’s the go-to when discussions about staying at home come up.

I think several other Stay-At-Home Wife have also said that their lives are easier than they were when they were working full-time. This need for full-time workers to constantly be validated that YES more work is more work is super offputting. Some things are harder than others, I don’t think difficulty necessarily equals value, but one more time: yes, my life was harder when I worked more hours.

Post # 356
Member
15039 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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MeandMyLouboutins :  Maybe she’s just a “retired” mom at that point.  🙂  My mom is the same… she had her first in college, so she just became a sahm.  Then there were 3 more of us over the next 10 years.  By the time the youngest went to college she was like 50.  She’s never held a paid position… what would she even do?  work min wage somewhere?  Why bother, at that age after taht long, it’s already established that my dad made enough to support the house, and the income she should get would be so insignificant.  

Post # 357
Member
27 posts
Newbee

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pinkshoes :  Some ppl work outside the home and do not do domestic work. The reverse is obviously also true. I totally agree with you that working both roles is the most difficult! 

Post # 358
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

JFC this thread is so sad. I said this in another post yesterday but women are the worst offenders at knocking other women down. We don’t need to worry about men, they can just sit back and watch us destroy each other and not close any gaps.

Choosing (see that word there choice) what to do with your life is an individual choice. Unless you are choosing to be a serial killer etc then your choice is no better or worse than anyone else’s. It is no more important or harder or deserving of praise/criticism than anyone else’s choice. There are a million different reasons/experiences/limitations/priviledges that leads to each individual’s choice in what they do with their life.

Stop judging, stop belittling, stop trying to build yourself up by trampling other women and try being adults who you know realise that their path isn’t the same as everyone else’s. 

 

Post # 359
Member
15039 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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mrshomemaker :  My bad… TBH I haven’t been able to keep up with every post on this now very long thread. I jsut saw that on its own and read it as if it was so ridiculous for working women to point it out cause it was such a ridiculous thing to say.  I don’t think working people are jumping out to say “we have it harder” any more than many non working people were saying “I have it just as hard!”.  The “we have it harder/we can do both” is just a rebutal to all the “we do all the housework so that’s like a day job cause it takes so much time” comments.  Either way at this point some 300+ responses in we’re all just……

 

Post # 360
Member
2038 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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j_jaye :  I actually completely disagree. This thread is an example of a group of women having a discussion – or a debate if you prefer. Not all the posts have been nice, but for the most part they have been. The original poster asked why being a SAHM/W was considered a cop out. I think the following discussion was revealed patterns of thought that old answer that question.

I have also noticed a lot of Bees stating how we all have the option to do what makes us most happy and that they believe we should do just that. I think that’s a positive sign. I have personally learned a lot from this discussion and have been privileged to see how smart the women on this board are.

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