(Closed) SpinOff – Why is choosing to be a SAHW/SAHM considered a cop out?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 406
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

Honestly though, you can’t ever win as a woman. You choose to work, people critisize that you arent with your kids enough. You choose to stay at home, people still critisize. Every woman should do what the hell she wants or needs to do.  

Post # 407
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

yourhandinmine :   Syzygy88 : 

“I just could not be okay with me getting the easier lifestyle while he bust his butt to provide for us.”

“But unless your husband loves his job, you’re prioritizing your own happiness over his.”

I think again this goes back to different people having different priorities and goals, some people love to work, my husband loves his work and I literally can’t get him to take a day off. He has been hustling since he was a teenager and that’s just his personality, he would not be happy or fulfilled to only take care of a home and spend time on hobbies, just like many of the women in this thread wouldn’t. I was in a job that was making me miserable, dealing with health problems that made it even harder and it was affecting our relationship, so yes we prioritized my happiness because I was the one that was unhappy. If my husband was unhappy I would do everything in my power to prioritize his happiness, it’s not a matter of both needing to suffer, it was a matter of we both needed to be happy, and now we are. 

Post # 408
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

sumshine.dawn :  You are hilarious!!  None of your (or his) work info is up there BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK IT DOWN.  

Post # 409
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

fredthebasil :  lol. My work info is still there. Idk about his i did show this to him and of course he said he was going to take the necessary precautions. But yea im an activist so he already didn’t put his most current position. Because my profile links back to his. Heres a pic of me at a protest march i helped organize. You can actually see me but what evs. Do you. Love and light boo. I got ta go have fun being you.

Post # 410
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

sumshine.dawn :  I totally believe that you organize protests and I have a lot of respect for that.  It’s important work.

Post # 411
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I think this thread has pretty much answered the OP question, here’s my take away: 

1. People look down on people who don’t work full-time because THEY work full-time and want acknowledegment that what they do is harder.

2. People look down on people who don’t work full-time because they feel they are not independent and are not being financially responsible.

3. People look down on people who don’t work full-time because they feel they are living off their spouse/it’s not fair for one person to have to work/it results in a power imbalance. 

4. People look down on people who don’t work full-time because they tie their own value to their jobs, and so therefore someone who doesn’t work isn’t contributing to society. 

Based purely on the responses I’d say these seem to be the most common reasons. So at least now we all know why we’re being judged! 😉 

 

Post # 412
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

At the end of the day, everyone should be doing what they most love/makes them happy. That’s is. And as long as a stay at home wife doesn’t have the audacity to tell us full timers that they’re ‘job’ is much harder (or even equivalent) to ours, then we will have no problems, and I could not care less the choice that is being made. It is when these women say their life is just as difficult (without health problems) when I WILL start judging, because there is no logic in the statement. But everyone, just do what you want. It’s your life, who cares what anyone thinks.

Post # 413
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Syzygy88 :  You’ll note I said “The amount or circumstances that enable a woman to be able to do this vary by relationship, location, age”

If a couple cannot find a way to negotate finances that would allow one person not to work or one person hates his job so much that even if he made enough income for his wife to stay home, he would resent her for it, then these are circumstances that prohibit this arrangement. It does not change the fact that PENDING APPROPRIATE CIRCUMSTANCES any wife (or person) would pursue non-miserable interests over miserable ones whether that means working or not working. If a couple views their relationships as transactional and such a situation could only exist where each partner “pulls their weight” like a middle school grou project or a college roommate then yes, this arrangement will never work. What about the resentment of the wife who has to work because the husband, despite reasonable income, has the philosophy “well if I can’t be happy, then neither can you!” ?

To answer the original prompt: why is it seen as a cop-out? Because women who can’t do it are bitter and slaving their life away. 🙂

Post # 416
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

lesbeeinlove :  “To answer the original prompt: why is it seen as a cop-out? Because women who can’t do it are bitter and slaving their life away.” 

For reasons I mentioned in earlier comments I reject the notion that anyone who disagrees with or judges someone else’s personal choices is automatically bitter or jealous. I see posters throwing that accusation around on lots of threads…on topics ranging from “SAHW” to “everybody hates my fiancé” to “I don’t get along with my coworkers” to “people don’t like my wedding dress.” The majority of the time, the difference of opinion or disagreement isn’t really about jealousy at all! 

It stood out to me in your thread that you seem to have very traditional opinions on gender roles regarding working vs staying home. You mentioned the husband working and the wife staying home multiple times. I’m curious as to how you and your wife adapted this traditional viewpoint to apply it to a same sex relationship? Does one of you work and the other stay home? If so, how did you decide who would have each role, since the traditional gender roles you seem to embrace, don’t apply to your situation? Or, do you both work and you were just contributing to the thread as an outside observer?

Post # 417
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

lesbeeinlove :  You’re right. Of course I don’t want to work. Work is bullshit. Especially most office jobs – half of them shouldn’t even exist. The most vital jobs tend to be the lowest paid (e.g. sanitation workers). I am working to leave this system. However, I do see my relationship as a group project, or, you know, a marriage which was designed for two people to share life’s burdens. You can bet I would never marry a lazy ass who wanted to live off me – rather than help me escape the working world too. I have a feeling you’re pretty young. Good luck 😉

Post # 418
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

WestCoastV :  Agreed. And is it a case of “Well, my husband loves to work – he can’t stop, lol!” Or is it that for men who believe in rigid gender roles, they feel too guilty/anxious about not working because they’d feel less manly and/or judged as unmanly. I just find it interesting that so many of these SAHWs hated their jobs but their husbands looove their jobs.

Although, as I said before, I’m sure there are situations where this arrangement makes sense. I just dislike the term Stay-At-Home Wife. Like “wife” is so akin to “mother” we can use the same terms. You may do stuff with you’re day but being a “wife” is not a job. And as much as ppl are shrieking about feminist, making the role of wife into a job seems icky.

Post # 419
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

A married woman with no kids to care for (either no kids or kids grown), and no paid employment, can spend her time in a variety of ways. With no formal work structure bearing down, some women will slip into turning on the TV, doing a little housework, drinking coffee, sitting by the pool, etc. 

On the other hand, some women are highly motivated and get a lot accomplished in the home. Others get involved in the community, serving on boards. In fact, getting involved in charitable causes and civic activities is what married women did to have a life outside the home back in the day when cultural norms frowned on paid employment for women. Some became prominent figures in the community. For example, some of the wives of wealthy industrialists were very active in the movement to win the right to vote for women.

 

 

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