(Closed) SpinOff – Why is choosing to be a SAHW/SAHM considered a cop out?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 46
Member
3171 posts
Sugar bee

raliel :  yes, this is something I’ve been pondering. Stay-At-Home Mom, Stay-At-Home Wife….  you try to enter the workforce after 18 years of being out of it, it doesn’t matter what acronym you used

Post # 47
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

From what I’ve learned, it’s considered a cop-out by those who can’t wrap their head around the fact that not everyone is like themselves. For a lot of people, being a Stay-At-Home Wife is difficult to fathom because they don’t know what they’d do with all of the time not spent working a traditional job, and it seems they also figure that no one else could figure out what to do with it either. 

Personally, it’s crazy to me that even now, people still can’t seem to grasp that everyone has different priorities, obstacles and opportunities in life, and it’s okay if they don’t all match.

Post # 48
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Why do some of you automatically assume every Stay-At-Home Wife doesn’t have the foresight or intelligence to plan ahead for what if scenarios? Not every Stay-At-Home Wife is going to be flat broke and devastated by divorce. I know women who worked during their entire marriage and still ended up financially unstable after divorce due to poor planning. As far as this question is concerned everything  Olgarie : stated. With my first husband I became a Stay-At-Home Wife but had no intentions on doing so until he suggested I could if I wanted the option. Which I happily took! There was no contest between me working a 9-5 I didn’t particularly care for, sitting in traffic both ways and then coming home stressed trying to put together a decent meal when all I really wanted was to flop down on the couch in my pj’s and eat ice cream right out of the carton. Not only did I handle all domestic tasks but also finances, which he had no problem with. So yes he was the sole provider but I handled majority of the money making sure the bills were paid, we saved a certain percentage in a shared savings account and I put a small amount aside in a separate account every month for myself (adding to the savings I already had prior to meeting this man) bc you never know. Which he was also aware of and had no issues with understanding he didn’t marry a complete idiot but a woman who liked to plan for life. Life happens. It was lovely being able to make sure everything he needed was taken care of, our home was always clean plus I now had extra time to volunteer with meals on wheels and the SPCA.

 

Post # 49
Member
5121 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

fredthebasil :  I would consider someone unemployed if they didn’t have a job, but needs/wants one. I would not call someone who chooses not to work “unemployed”, but I don’t really know what I’d call a single person who doesn’t have to work. It’s so rare, I don’t think there’s really a term for it. 

Post # 50
Member
3171 posts
Sugar bee

SithLady :  I would call someone who chooses not to work Funemployed 🙂 

Post # 51
Member
6538 posts
Bee Keeper

SithLady :  I would not call someone who chooses not to work “unemployed”, but I don’t really know what I’d call a single person who doesn’t have to work. It’s so rare, I don’t think there’s really a term for it. 

Heiress? Heir? 

Post # 52
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

A Stay at Home Wife? That would just drive me crazy and I’ll be damned if I depend fully on my man for my income. But that’s just me. I don’t see it as a cop out. I just dont understand how someone could be comfortable with that arrangement unless your man is SUPER rich and if anything were to happen to him, you are assured of being 100% taken care of fully.

A Stay at home mom is doing a couple of full time jobs all rolled up in one. I have two kids on my own and I would rather have my teeth pulled out without anesthesia than stay home with my kids every damn day. And I have well behaved kids so I can’t even imagiine if I had to deal with a bad ass kid.

Post # 53
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

All of this is so interesting! Love these insights. 

heavenlyflower :  Do you mean that, since you handled all the money he made, that you put some of the money he earned aside for yourself to use in a worst case scenario situation? Or is this money you’re talking about money you earned working part time or from home, etc? Very curious, thanks for sharing. 

Post # 54
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

saratiara2 :  Wondering the same.. How much laundry could there possibly be?

Post # 55
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

samjam :  I mean the former! I wasn’t about to allow myself to ever be stranded without a back up plan. No thank you. Since this was his suggestion but ultimately changed my life we had to discuss terms I was comfortable with before I agreed. He jokingly referred to it as my make a break for it fund. lol

 

Post # 56
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

For the love of the moon….can we agree that Stay-At-Home Wife may mean many different things to different women? It does not necessarily mean you have zero interests outside the home, you’re ironing, washing and cooking 24/7, taking care of your husband 24/7, (thats not even a logical assumption since you cant care for him while he’s at work) or that you aren’t a productive member of society. These stereotypes have got to go.

Post # 57
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t think being a Stay-At-Home Wife is a cop out at all.  I think a lot of people don’t understand that it can be a lot of work.  I read this article in Cosmo written by a Stay-At-Home Wife, and it was very enlightening.  She was a librarian, and couldn’t get a full time job, only part-time, and however the couple figured that it was better if she stayed at home than worked.  She said she wakes up at 8 am, has morning chores like sweeping, making breakfast, mopping, and vacuuming, laundry, takes their dogs for morning walks (dogs get walked 3 times a day), does yoga at noon, then hits the grocery store, grooms their two dogs (which are those hairy breeds) when necessary, gets dinner ready for her husband when he gets home, cleans up, and then makes lunch for him.  They have a spotless house.  I don’t think that’s a cop out.  I think if a Stay-At-Home Wife actually does chores and takes care of the house, then it’s not a cop out at all!  It seems like work.  

However, my coworker’s wife (their kids are college age and are barely around the house) doesn’t seem to do much at home.  He never has a packed lunch, has to go grocery shopping after work, wife wakes up later than he does, he has to walk the dog in the morning, and they were still on DSL, paying more than cable internet, until 1 year ago.  He told me that his wife doesn’t like to shop around for deals.  That, I don’t understand.  I would frown on that.  I think if you’re going to be a SAHanything, you should actually do things around the house.   Otherwise, you’re just lazy.   

Post # 58
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

breatheandrelax :  She’s lazy. Plain and simple. Sad, but not hard to understand. Not sure how he deals with that.

Post # 59
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

saratiara2 :  I used generic examples. I do a lot more than clean my home. Between errands, appointments, helping take care of my grandmother in law, laundry, yard work, seasonal vegetable gardens, dogs, chickens, food preparation and the million other things I do its a full day. Add on volunteer work and its game over. I’m fulfilled everyday by my job at home. My family is happy. We take probably 2 mini vacations a month which is important to us. I also have 4 insurance licenses that I keep up to date

No one has to understand what I do all day. If everyone had to justify every minute of their day at the office or in the field just about everyone would be out of a job. 

Post # 60
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee

Misswhowedding :  Yes.  I think it is a case of all things being relative.  A sliding scale of savings/finances, (re)employability, and overall life experience/personal cultivation.  

I don’t care if I had all the money in the world & an iron clad retirement plan at age 25, I needed the structure, character building, learning, growing etc., I gained from the working at that age.  That’s just me though.  Others would have very different needs according to their personality and background at the same age.  

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