(Closed) Spinoff: Why try to be a "finished product" before marriage?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it depends on every couple’s personal situation. Darling Husband and I dated for 4 years before getting married, 2 of which we lived together. Even with waiting this time, we still didn’t wait until we were finished with school. Honestly, that never really played into our decision making. We were financially independent from our parents for a few years before getting married, and, honestly, that’s the only non-relationship based factor I would have considered. I would have been perfectly happy to keep living together and never get married, honestly, because being together was always more important to me. However, there came a time when it made more financial and logical sense to be married than simply living together so we did it. We still had about 1.5 years of school left, but I truly can’t think of anything that changed about our focus levels, school, etc. just bc we said “I do”. I just don’t understand what people think will change so drastically. Obviously, I could see it being much more of a change if you didn’t live together prior to getting married bc the moving in process would be a big transition, but I’ve known many couples who were living together and simply waiting for marriage. 

 

I agree with PP, if you’re waiting to be a “finished product”, you’ll wait forever.

Post # 18
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@maya2008:  I didn’t say I assume they are all thinking that, I said they may be. “May” meaning “potentially occurring in some cases”. I have actually known people to say that they want to travel first to see if they’re happy to come back home to the same person when they’re done, of they want to see if more education will change what they want out of life, so obviously it happens. Since it is certainly the case in some situations, I don’t see the problem with my statement. I also know some people arbitrarily decide to wait until a certain milestone and can’t give a good reason other than their decision when they’re asked why they wait, so I’m obviously aware that other scenarios exist. 

And I don’t see what my observation has to do with comments on getting married too soon. A relationship timescale has nothing to do with a career timescale or a travel timescale, so not waiting to cross certain milestones in those areas doesn’t equate to getting married too soon. I’ll be marrying my Fiance at 4.5 years into our relationship, and I won’t have my graduate degree, my career on track, or my travel goals fulfilled yet. 

For the record, I disagree with all of your reasons except for 5 (which pretty much agrees with my proposed reason) but I wasn’t going to complain about it because you’re entitled to your opinion just like I am to mine. 

Post # 19
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

@sweet5k:  I think I waited to be done with my PhD because I didn’t feel like I had enough time to focus on getting married while I worked on my dissertation and learned new treatment models for patients, etc. Also, there was no rush. We already live together, so why not wait until the dust settles? It’s not like I have to be a finished, polished version of myself – God knows that is but a fantasy. I just wanted a period of time where I could focus on the big celebration and not my defense or patients for a minute. Everyone has different needs I guess!

Post # 21
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Taeyers:  You are welcome to disagree with what I listed out! That’s what a forum is for. I just thought your statement was a little generalized to those who are waiting being unsure of their relationship when you said:

I think what people may really mean when they give reasons like that for putting  off marriage is that they can still see themselves changing their minds based on  new experiences, whereas some other people are completely sure.

Umm, that’s a pretty obvious assumption you made.

Post # 22
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@maya2008:  I already clarified the accepted definition of the word “may”. If you had actually read my previous post, you would have realized your misconception without committing it a second time. An observation in some instances does not equate to an assumption. No need to thread jack to rehash the same argument twice. 

Post # 23
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Taeyers:  I am not committing it a second time, I was explaining why I interpretted it that way. And fyi…putting “may” in there does not make it any less of an assumption. You may not be understanding what I am saying though….

To remain on topic.

Everyone is ready when they are ready. Waiting until someone feels they are at a certain point is there own decision. Whether they feel like a finished or unfinished product is irrevelant.

Post # 24
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@maya2008:  Seriously, agree to disagree, and go your own way. If you’ve already decided for yourself what tone you will mistakenly imagine behind my statements, I don’t know why you keep hounding me anyway. 

Post # 25
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

@maya2008:  I can agree with some of your points and why some wait. However, I would suggest letting it go now, the other poster does not appear to want to discuss things. So I would suggest dropping it.

@Taeyers:  I can see how maya2008 may have interpretted your statement in a different way. I don’t think she is hounding you either. She is engaging in discussion, this is a forum, so it is to be expected.

Both of you should agree to disagree though, as clearly it is going nowhere.

 

@sweet5k:  OP, we waited. We waited 9 years to be exact to get engaged and then another year for the wedding. Why? Because we started dating young…at 15 and 17. Are we waiting to be finsihed products? Umm…no. I don’t equate myself with that kind of term really. Also, we set life goals and milestones that are in no way arbitrary. We had a plan that we wanted to follow.

We have built lives together and did not need marriage to be a necessary step for our happiness, security or stability for many years. Now that we have jobs, are done with school and looking to “settle down” we feel like we can really focus on each other and what will make a strong marriage.

We are putting a lot of effort into secular pre-marital preparation and figuring out our expecations for married life. We have lived together for 5 years, but there are things that will change when we get married. We will combine finances, buy a home and have children at some point. Personally, we want to have time and energy to devote toward nurturing our marriage. The last few years have been hectic with a variety of things and we knew it wouldn’t be healthy to start our marriage that way. So that’s why we waited.

Post # 26
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

There are lots of reasons people choose to get married when they do. Whether it’s after a few months, few years or heck a decade of dating. What works for one couple will not necessarily work for another couple.

We just decided to get married, picked a date and went with it. End of story.

Post # 27
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bmo88:  Geez…… 

What discussion should I be participating in that doesn’t restate what I already said? She misunderstood the tone of my post when I specifically chose the word “may” to indicate “some of the time, but not all of the time” when I was writing it. She is arguing on the basis on a misconception. I have observed that my statement about what may occur is, in fact, true some of the time, which means I wasn’t making an assumption but relaying an actual real-life observation when I made the statement. I seriously don’t see the problem… Literally, I don’t see what’s to discuss, so I’m not crazy about being accused of being unwilling to discuss. 

Post # 28
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee

@Taeyers:  Why the attitude? Seriously. I wasn’t attacking or disagreeing with you. I just said after reading it, I could understand how she intreprted it that way.

Reading posts without social or visual cues makes intent, tone and meaning hard to interpret and convey.

She engaged you in a discussion. If it bothers you that much, you could just not repsond. I am not going to start anything here.

 

Post # 29
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

@sweet5k:  I used to have this thought process for many years, and in the end, it wasn’t worth it.

I was engaged to someone after three years, and I was: In school, had a great career, lived alone, and very responsible. And he shared the same qualities only he lived with his parents. I figured since I was close to being a “finished product” that this man really had all that he needed. His mother hated me for being everything I was because to her, women should be much more submissive.

Needless to say, I was laid off from my job. Eventually, I couldn’t pay my bills. He immediately started helping me look for work, but nothing came through. 5 months after I lost my job and fought so hard for unemployment and got it, he left me. It was because “his mom said I couldn’t afford him.” Every penny we worked hard for and saved together went into our new home and I never stepped foot in there, yet he is living there to this day.

I became homeless for a entire year. I lived everywhere from on the streets to on strangers living room floors and couches. It was rough.

I met my current SO while homeless, through mutual friends of he, myself and guess who else? You got it. My ex-fiancee. When my ex learned about us dating, he did everything in his power to understand why this man loved this homeless woman so much in ways he couldn’t.

My SO and I have now been together almost three years. He is quite close to proposing to me. I thank God EVERY single day for this man. In spite of me not finishing school, not having a dime to my name, and not having a place to live, he took me for who I was and saw me for who I could be. He fell in love with me in spite of what I had, not because of what I didn’t have. 

Today, I just received a promotion three days ago at work. *yay!* I live alone. I am finishing school, and couldn’t be happier.

It definitely pays to have the passion and will to be someone. But it also pays to let others fully love you in the process. 🙂

Post # 31
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@sweet5k:  There was just an article published on the marital age of people from the 50s to now. At some point, there was a paradigm shift from when people didn’t need college to how you really do need it now.

In the 50s, you could graduate HS, get a factory job full time with benefits, and pop out some kids! Money wasn’t really a huge issue if you lived modestly!

Now that those jobs don’t exist, and the 90% of full time jobs with benefits require a degree, marriage is being pushed off until a person can secure that ideal employment.

That’s also the theory behind why celebrities marry so young! Because they don’t have the financial pressure not to marry!

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