(Closed) Spinoff: Why try to be a "finished product" before marriage?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
3356 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@icetea:  Some people have other life goals besides getting married, this isn’t the 1950s.

I agree. I also prefer not to be struggling in my marriage, even if I have a partner to do it with. Waiting for the perfect moment is ridiculous though.

Post # 48
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@gpsp2B:  you said,

We also feel that we want to have a strong marriage in place before having kids.  I’m sorry if I offend anyone but people who get married and pop out kids in the  first year or TTC in the first year, I can’t help but think that’s crazy. Don’t  you want to be a newly wed? I cant imagine.

I’ll agree with you in one respect.

Having Newlywed time is nice before having kids… but then like yourself I was in my early 20s when I got married (we got pregnant after our 2nd Anniversary, and had Baby # 1 in year 3 of our marriage)

Waiting 2, 3 or 5 years… isn’t AN OPTION for everyone… because they are 30 or older when they marry… as it is a known fact that one’s ability to conceive (produce eggs that are viable) diminishes as one approaches 35 and beyond.

So what seems unimaginable (crazy) to you… going TTC immediately, is these gals only option if they want to have a baby… or a few.

Sorry, I can’t be on side to judge them for that decision… getting pregnant in this case isn’t just a decision… it truly comes down to a matter of physiology.

 

Post # 49
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Since I have already gone down this road, I do have a little bit of a different perspective. Darling Husband and I did wait until we were older and more established to get married but only because we wanted to be sure that we were able to commit 100% of ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. Some people are probably able to make that call way before the 7 years it took us, but we started dating when we were 19 and we grew a lot as people over that time. Thankfully, we grew together.

The biggest reason I would advocate waiting in terms of purchasing a house, getting a job, finishing school, etc is that planning a wedding is hard work. We had about a year to plan, an average size guest list, and a low-key event but it was still extremely emotionally exhausting. It probably took me close to a year to recover afterwards. We did tackle all of the planning and preparation ourselves but at the same time… I can’t imagine going through that process while in school or trying to settle into a career. 

Post # 50
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

i have been with my bf for seven years and we are waiting till aftet school. for us it is not a matter of finished product but rather having all our ducks in a row to give us the best start as a married couple.

Post # 51
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

@GirlWithTheGlassSlippers:  I just wanted to say, congrats on getting through those rough times, and also congrats on the promotion ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s wonderful that you found an amazing person who you know will be with you through thick and thin!

 

My two cents on OP’s question: it depends on the couple. The typical school – job – career – marriage – kids timeline works for some people, but for others, other factors come into play. For me, it’s moving to another country and one of us delaying grad school because we can’t find a city in which we can both study what we want. I’m more comfortable making that decision if we’re married. 

Post # 52
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@This Time Round …. I understand that some don’t have a choice! Yes of course if you meet your SO later in life or what have you then, it kind of comes down to that. I would do that too! More so I mean in my case, or any younger couples case… For my Fiance and I, we know we want to have 2-3 kids. Well what if I can’t get pregnant right away. My mom didn’t start her cycle for many months after having my brothers, so that post poned things too. And we definitely want some time between the kids and not to have them back to back as soon as possible. So for us, we feel that it’s going to be best to start having kids around 28-29. So now we are going to have a good 5 years to really enjoy married life and be strong and stable before kids. That’s why we are chosing to get married now, versus waiting til later. We can afford it, we have our finances in check, and we have a plan. So more so with that comment I’m talking about couples who wait that long knowing years back they wanted to get married and stuff.. I have the man I want to marry right in front of me, and we have a plan that suits what we want so were not going to wait :] Sometimes people have to kiss a few frogs I guess we just got lucky! LOL

Post # 53
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If your question is why people wait to have a wedding, then well, it’s expensive, and you need jobs and money to pay for it.

Marriage, however, is a different issue. The simple answer is that people get married when they feel ready. Some people are ready in hours, others in years. There really isn’t any logical reason to it, and no need to justify it in any way. 

 

Post # 55
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

I wrote a comment a few days ago saying this, and I felt so eloquent and convincing and proud of myself ๐Ÿ˜‰ obviously no one cared. Lets see if I can get my gab on again…

we shouldn’t wait until we feel all put together as if you must be a finished product to present as “husband” or “wife”. People are never products, but always changing. Marriage is not a destination, but a project, something to work on together, an opportunity to create together, and to grow together. I hope that we are not “finished” or “completed” before marriage, i think that would be incredibly sad. I hope with all my heart, to continue to grow and better myself and pay off debts and learn new things until the day I  die. I take this step of marriage as the first step of many, and while we are not as stable as we may one day be, I am so excited to share all the exciting things on the way. While everything around me changes, I know for sure the one thing I want to stay the same.

 

Post # 56
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Cause some people are silly enough to believe that they are ever “finished” ๐Ÿ™‚

Really, though, I have not made it a secret that I was (and am still) a young bride. I was married at 21 (now almost 24), freshly out of undergraduate, to my then-bf of 4 years. And I am so incredibly, 100% thankful for him each and every day. I have gone through the biggest changes where I guess one could argue that if this wasn’t right, we’d be growing apart – first big-girl job, acceptance to graduate school, moving states away together – but he has been the biggest support and love for this period of my life and I am so so thankful that he has been here. I could not be where I am without him being with me every step of the way. We have grown together, traveled together, built a home life together. The typical steps that everyone keeps repeating as “what’s next” – house ownership, baby, million-dollar job – are just not important to us. We may or may not have kids, we definitely don’t want to own a house for the next 6 years or so, and our jobs are fulfilling and a work in progress but we’re certainly not rich and we know it. But throughout what others might see as “struggles” we see as such a fun part of the ride that has forced us to examine our life outlook, our approach to problem-solving, and what is really important to us – each other. I would not trade it for the world.

Post # 57
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Quickiebee:  +1. Eloquently, convincingly put ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 58
Member
6291 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

When we get married I’ll be 27, nearly 28, and OH will be 28. I will be 2 years through a 3-4 year PhD, and it is unlikely I will get employment in my field for a further 1-2 years; it is likely I may have to work part-time, or full-time in a different field, or do post-doc research, before landing a job I really want.

This means I will be about 32 before I have a ‘proper’ job. It also means that we won’t be able to buy a proprty until we are about 35.

We have already been together for over 7 years, and just do not want to wait until we are financially secure before marrying; we see waiting another 8 years as pretty pointless TBH. We will be moving in together shortly after the wedding, and would move in together within this time frame even if we weren’t getting married, so in terms of financial struggles, there would be no difference between being married and unmarried.

I would love to have completed my studies and be in a secure job by the time we marry; unfortunately, that hasn’t worked out, and I have no wish to delay marrying him any further; I cannot wait to be his wife, and 8 years and 8 months will have been more than long enough to wait.

Post # 60
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sweet5k:  Lol honestly I really don’t have enough context for this thread.  I don’t know who these people are that you’re talking about. 

I’m not on anyone’s timeline but my own.  If others are they can speak to that.

 

I also would never for a second consider myself a “product”…but I dunno…this thread lol.

 

ETA:  I’m graduating with my grad degree one week before the wedding…so yeah I don’t even know what we’re talking about LOL!  But I think we may be agreeing haha!

Post # 61
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@sweet5k:  I understand where you’re coming from. In my own position, SO and I have been together 7 1/2 years and have lived together about 6 1/2 of them, starting out with our own house at 18 and 20. It was a huge whirlwind — he just graduated tech school, I was still in school (and still am!) and we struggled together to make it. It’s what made the whole hard part a beautiful thing because at the end of every day I was next to the person I cared the most about.

We’ve had our trials and tribulations, but it was worth it all. Having said that, I still am waiting. I wanted to get my life together to afford paying for a wedding and he couldn’t have afforded a ring (and told me he refused to ‘cheap out’ on me) until recently. We just bought a house last year, have started a business, etc. We haven’t had extra money to do anything for us — but it doesn’t mean that just because we weren’t married or engaged that whole time that it was any different of a committment level. I know this is disagreeable to some, but we have shared finances for a long time and everything else. We just never took the official step towards the title, but our idea wasn’t to put off living life until we were both a finished product. =]

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