I suspect my mother-in-law felt left out, but my mom wasn’t involved in wedding planning, either. She acted as a storage unit for our wedding, as we were still living in a very small apartment at the time. Beyond that, my mom really wasn’t involved with the wedding either. She helped set up and break down at the wedding; Mother-In-Law was invited that morning to pick out which tables she wanted reserved for her family. I don’t know her that well, and just didn’t feel comfortable asking her to take on any responsibilities other than that. I feel a lot more comfortable asking that of my own family, and my husband didn’t seem to mind.
That said, I have tried to keep things as equal as I can with *big* announcements. When we got engaged, we each called our parents and siblings at the same time, so there was no, “Her family found out first!” I will do the same if we ever have a child.
To so blatantly favor one parent over another is appalling.
I would only call someone the following morning if they explicitly said they didn’t want late-night calls, or if I wasn’t sure (if the baby was born during the night). The ostracism is very clear in your case, OP.
My brother’s wife is like that. Her entire family was in the hospital when she was giving birth. I’d put together a big gift basket because I knew that everyone was bound to be tired after such a long day. I gave it to her mom to take back to the room. I showed up about 2 hours before she had the baby and waited in the lobby.
…I found out an hour later, as I was gathering my things to leave the hospital (it was getting late and we had work the next morning) that my nephew had been born. From my mother. By phone. She wasn’t even in the hospital. Meanwhile, SIL’s dad, brother-in-law and sister all knew, knew that I was there waiting, they were all standing in the lobby at the other side of the room…and not one could bother to come by and say, “Hey, did you hear?”
What really pissed me off is that her sister came out, got on the phone to tell her husband so he could come to the hospital, and apparently couldn’t find any time to tell us.
My brother came out half an hour after that (nearly two hours after the baby’s birth) and mentioned it to us. SIL’s mom called SIL’s sister and told her she could come back. My husband had decided that if they chose not to acknowledge us at that point, he was going to grab my hand and insist on it ( 😀 ).
I can say from experience that it is very painful to be shut out. I have killed my SIL with kindness for 15 years. One thing is for sure…they never change. Can’t say how many times I’ve reached out to her with a kind gesture, a gift, etc., and never received even a “thank-you.” The times she does actually give a thanks, it’s always very blunt and backhanded in nature (“There was absolutely no need to do that,” or my favorite, when my mom handed her some clothes for the baby, she blurted out, “UGH, everyone’s getting that size for him!” which led to some great awkwardness).
I’ve just learned that she’s always going to be an ungrateful bitch. I keep it in my mind that anything I do, I do out of love for my brother and my nephew, but I accept that we’re always going to be -second-tier- family to him. Hers will always very obviously come first.
In any case, I’m derailing, but thought I’d share my own SIL story.