(Closed) SPINOFF: Would you do a fertility treatment fund in lieu of a registry?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How would you feel about helping a couple pay for help with fertility in lieu of a registry?

    Sure, I'd love to help them with what they need

    No, it is never okay to ask for money, regardless of the end use

    Depends on how close I am with the couple

    Other (I'll elaborate)

  • Post # 62
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    That’s WAY too personal to ask of guests at a wedding IMO. I would feel uncomfortable even though I would probably donate because I give cash at weddings anyway.

    I tend to agree that using IVF to conceive instead of adopt is selfish. I am also of the mindset, however, that having a baby of your own naturally is selfish as well. (for the PP who compared the 2) You have a baby because YOU want a baby, you want to leave a legacy, you want to fulfill your life by having a child or grow your family. It’s selfish because it’s all about you, just like IVF. (although funny enough, as soon as that baby is born, NOTHING is about you anymore lol) Adoption is about you as well as helping a child who needs it, who is already here and in a shitty circumstance, orphaned, unable to be taken care of by a single parent, living in a country where it has to fight to get clean water….any or all of the above. That is different to me. I could be the only one, but that’s just my viewpoint.

    Post # 63
    Member
    3092 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    No, I would not support. 

     

    I think people are getting cray cray about registering and making money off their weddings.  This really blows my mind.  Even the traditional registry is pretty redic in my opinion but in full disclosure we did make one because my family asked us to.

    I’m just bewildered at how people are finding there wedding an appropriate time to start raising funds for home buying or child bearing or college tuition or whatever.  Sheets and towels…peeps…not babes. 

    I get that this is what people WANT but there does not seem to be a lot of consideration about what the gift giver wants. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    7368 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @littlemiss511:  @apian: Both of your explanations sums up why I feel differently about this vs. the adoption thread.

     

    Post # 65
    Member
    1497 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @bebero:  +1. There are so many orphans without families in this already overpopulated world, I wouldn’t feel right about giving money for fertility treatments. To me, it’s very different from an adoption fund, where you would be giving an already-born child a loving home and family.

    Post # 66
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    No, asking for money is tacky and I dont support IVF at all.

    Post # 67
    Member
    2055 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Asking for money period is already tacky. It’s even tackier to ask people to pay your medical bills. What’s next? A fund to purchase the ~family~ Maybach? Pay off your school loans? Breast augmentation?

    I honestly don’t get this. Oy.

    Post # 68
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I don’t care what people register/ask for. I’m going to get them something they want…I don’t think that a honeymoon registry is any different than a gift registry, and I have no issues with someone asking for cash. Now, it does get a little hairy when we start talking adoption/IVF, but if that’s what they REALLY want, then I’m going to contribute. I would actually be more inclined to contribute to that type of fund as a wedding registry than I would be if they just did a ‘gofundme’ account or something like that later down the road.

    Post # 69
    Hostess
    7547 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Default response: Don’t ask for money.

    On top of that, don’t ask for money for something so personal. It’s fine to put wedding gift money towards whatever you want but I wouldn’t want everyone to feel so involved in my reproductive system.

    Post # 70
    Member
    5398 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @kay01:  I think in this case, it’s a matter of the options given. Like I voted no it’s never ok but I don’t necessarily think it really is never ok (never say never), it was just the closest answer here in this poll. If there was a no, not in this situation choice, you might see much different results. I guess I could have chosen other, but no seemed like a better choice. 

    I think no because it seems way too personal, plus IVF is not always successful so people may feel like they’re “gambling” a bit with their money on someone else’s body, and that’s asking a lot. It’s just too weird IMO. Also, I find asking for money pretty tacky in general (did not read the adoption thread). 

    Post # 71
    Member
    5187 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @mu_t:  I would think asking for something like that is Too Much Information. Adoption is one thing but fertility treatments are just way too personal of an issue to get other people involved in. 

    Post # 72
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @JFay:  +1, I totally agree.

    I know that you aren’t supposed to ask for money, but honestly, when I go to a wedding I’m going to bring a gift regardless, and I want that gift to be something that the couple needs/wants/is meaningful to them.  If that’s ferility treatment, then so be it.  That being said, I wouldn’t ever be comfortable asking for my guests to donate to fertility treatments because I feel that’s way too personal for 150-200 other people to know; the whole thing would make me so uncomfortable.  I also know a lot of people who wouldn’t be comfortable with giving this kind of wedding gift too… 

    Post # 73
    Member
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    View original reply
    @distracts:  +1 to all you’ve said.

    I am pro-adoption under the right circumstances, but I am also aware that a lot adootion that happens is not 100% ethical. Fiance and I may need help having children, and we are undecided on adoption or IVF. Due to circumstances in our backgrounds, we would be trying to adopt a healthy infant (which I’m conflicted about in and of itself, but recognise that it can be extremely damaging adopting a child with special needs with reluctance or unpreparedness on either parents side). We also would be ensuring the use of an ethical agency. Due to a lot of the associated ethical dilemmas, we would probably not go international. I recognise though that the number of healthy infants available for adoption is far, far less than those trying to adopt.

    If I am able to concieve through IVF (not all women are) then honestly, I dont see it as any less selfish than adopting a healthy infant. Knowing that if I use IVF someone else’s dreams of becoming a mother through adoption may happen that otherwise couldn’t (they are unable to use IVF), makes me more inclined to go IVF, so we both get to have babies to love and care for, rather than being in ‘competition’ over one infant. 

    There are also immigration dilemmas that we have to consider, being from 2 different countries.

    Incidentally,a lot of fertility clinics now offer packages for a certain number of rounds of IVF, with a certain refund if no baby (for example I’ve found one for 25k, 3 rounds fresh, 3 frozen, 17k refund if unsuccessful).

     

    I would be happy to contribute to another woman’s fertility treatment registry. Being in that situation means she has gone through a lot of pain, beyond what I, as someone who has not yet TTC, can understand. Rather than sanctimoniously judging her for her choices in that situation ( I don’t know why she chose IVF over adoption, but i trust she has her reasons) I would happily contribute to helping her achieve her dream of becomming a mother. 

    Post # 74
    Member
    4766 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    The judgments in this thread absolutly infuriate me.  Why are so many people saying: If the couple can’t afford IVF they shouldn’t have it? Why on earth do you think they cannot afford it?  I see this blanket statement all the time, same thing goes with honeyfund, if people cannot afford their honeymoon.  I had a honeymoon registry and I was going on that honeymoon regardless if I got all the items in the registry or none of them. Same thing for a couple who’s going to adopt or do IVF, they will probably do that regardless if they get all their money or not, it’s just a gift.  I never see posts about people not being able to afford the mixer on their gift registy, so why should this be any different?  Assuming someone cannot pay for somthing is terribly judgemental.

    2nd argument that makes me boil over is that IVF is selfish becasue there are so many unwanted children and they should adopt.  I am not familiar with the adoption process in the US but in a European country where I was living before, the hurdels you have to jump through to adobt are just plain crazy, and not to mention it takes 10 years.  10 years MINIMUM!  My dear friend was thinking about every possible way she could do this and had started the adoption process.  I was so happy for her that she got preggo from IVF her third and last chance, casue she maybe and that’s a big maybe would have had a child by the time she was 40.  She would have LOVED to adopt.

    I had another friend in the same country who got quite far along in the adoption process and they made it all the way to get a psychiatrist evaluation, because you have to do that and your whole future of whether or not you are allowed to adobt depends on the opinion of 1 psychiatrist.  There are no do-overs and there are no second opinions.  Well guess what, the master’s educated couple who have good jobs and own a home, failed.  Why?  Casue they are an international couple and have lived in like 3 different countries in the past 5 or so years.  And bam. done.  They cannot adopt in that country EVER.  Thank someone they were incredibly lucky and she also got pregnant not too long after. 

    Before you want to pass your judegmental ignorat statements about how selfish someone is that they don’t adobt but do IVF, think about how the whole adoption system is wack and is set up to have kids in orphanages and foster homes and not be adopted.  You have no idea what a certain couple has gone through.

    Post # 75
    Member
    4766 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @icetea:  I don’t think anyone has ever made a cent off a wedding.

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: Would you do a fertility treatment fund in lieu of a registry?’ is closed to new replies.

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