(Closed) SPINOFF: Would you do a fertility treatment fund in lieu of a registry?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: How would you feel about helping a couple pay for help with fertility in lieu of a registry?

    Sure, I'd love to help them with what they need

    No, it is never okay to ask for money, regardless of the end use

    Depends on how close I am with the couple

    Other (I'll elaborate)

  • Post # 107
    Member
    1009 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @bebero:  I don’t know how I should feel anything but attacked when people say that those who do IVF are selfish.  That’s lobbing an attack at someone.  Yes, we can all make our own choices, and what’s best for me isn’t what’s best for you.  But that’s no excuse for someone to hurl insults at those who choose differently.  And I never said guests should pay for IVF.  From my post on the very first page, I specifically said that I wouldn’t encourage this.  And I do not have an “obsession” with being pregnant.  In my case, it’s actually my husband, who happens to be the inferile one, who really wants to try for a bio child first.  I was up for adoption as soon as we learned.  But I shouldn’t have to explain my choices to anyone, and shouldn’t have to face namecalling.

    Post # 108
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @bebero: “I still don’t understand the obsession with getting pregnant (vs. just the obsession with being a parent).”

    Because people have a biological imperative to pass on their genetic material. It’s fairly easy to understand… happens to all species, even.

    Post # 109
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

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    @distracts:  right, but I still don’t understand it, as in, I don’t see the value in it (passing genetic material)

    Post # 110
    Member
    42 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I am of the firm belief that if a couple has a request for a gift I will contribute, honeymoon etc. I would love to contribute to something like this. I do think its a very personal request. But if the couple feels comfortable with doing it then that is up to them. 

    Post # 111
    Member
    1009 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @bebero:  But see, it might not be about passing on said material.  It could be a simple matter of practicality.  Our insurance covers IVF, so it is much cheaper for us to do IVF, even multiple rounds, than do domestic infant or international adoption.  The only thing that would cost us less than IVF is adoption from foster care (which means we could try for an infant, and very likely have the child that we loved and cared for for months or years taken away from us to return to his/her bio family, as where we are, reunification is the goal, with pretty much no concern for the best interests of the child, or a child for whom parental rights were already terminated, which means an older child with severe abuse/neglect/attachment issues), which, for personal reasons no one else is entitled to, we are simply not prepared to do at this time.  So to assume that I’m “obsessed” with being pregnant or spreading my genes is, again, insulting.  Again, people shouldn’t attack others who make different decisions or make ignorant assumptions about them.

    Post # 112
    Member
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

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    @HopefulForLittleOne:  But I shouldn’t have to explain my choices to anyone, and shouldn’t have to face namecalling.

    No you do not need to – but, no one is actually asking you to explain your choices.  You may have chosen to do so in order to explain your position, but this actually was a relatively general philosophical threads about different perspectives on gifting. Similarly, no one specifically called you a name.  Some folks may have said general choices you are making are a particular characteristic, but they did not apply it to you, mention you, or even know you were facing these issues.
    I’m sorry you’re facing infertility, but it doesn’t change my opinions on this thread.  I fear I might be as well (I have PCOS) and my sister has faced it (inability to have a second child, despite some treatments) and I’ve educated myself on options, so I don’t consider my perspective “ignorant” as you yourself called some in this thread.  Nonethelss, I wish you well.

    Post # 113
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @HopefulForLittleOne:  I’m sorry but I can’t continue this debate with you as you assume everything people say is directed towards you and you feel every opinion that we have is an attack. We can’t have a productive conversation if you answer every argument like they were a personal attack. I haven’t seen any namecalling whatsoever. I haven’t asked you to explain your personal situation, nor will it change my mind. I don’t really care if IVF is cheaper, covered by your insurance, or whatever. It doesn’t change my views on it. Best of luck.

     

    Post # 114
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Asking for cash ought to be fine, regardless of how you want to use it. If you give someone cash, you’re saying “do whatever your heart desires most.” I think it’s the best and most thoughtful possible gift and many cultures around the world agree with me. If you want cash, say so, I don’t care what you want it for. I don’t think it’s rude to ask for it, and you can spend my gifted money on anything from car repairs to hookers and blow as far as I’m concerned. 🙂 As long as you’re happy.

    So if someone invites me to their wedding, I wanna know what I can do for them, the best gift they can get from me to make them the happiest. I’m not psychic, however, so sometimes that means saying “we prefer cash.” Not rude for any reason.

    Just logical – people wanna give you what you want, you want people to give you what you want, what you want is money, you tell them, they are relieved to not have to try to find the perfect gift, they give it to you, everyone SHOULD be happy. Throwing a monkey wrench into an otherwise perfectly sensible exchange is so irrational.

    Funny story about this: I actually told my Korean co-workers that in America, there’s a taboo against cash as a gift, and they were horrified for a moment, and then started cracking up. Giving anything BUT cash for weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, parents’ day, etc. is basically the height of rudeness here.

    Incidentally, I’m actually slliiiightly in the anti-IVF camp, but your life is not my life, your body is not my body, you are the boss of your own underpants, and if IVF is your choice, it’s not my job to stand here and tell you what to do. The same path is not right for everyone. Not doing IVF is right for me. Doing it might be right for you.

    Post # 115
    Member
    1084 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I would have no issues helping someone who asked, but I myself wouldn’t do it.

    Post # 116
    Member
    1009 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    View original reply
    @bebero:  
    View original reply
    @kay01:  Most threads are wedding related, so please allow me to go back to that context.  Lets say there is a thread discussing various dress silouttes.  BeeABC gushes about the love she has for her mermaid gown.  Later in the thread, though not directed to anyone in particular, BeeXYZ says that mermaids are clownish and that everyone who wears one is an ugly bride.  In another thread talking about wedding financing, Bee123 says that her parents are paying for her wedding.  Later in the thread, again, without being directed at anyone, BeeXYZ says that since marriage is such an adult decision, any couple that doesn’t pay for their own wedding doesn’t deserve a wedding.  It may be that BeeXYZ feels very strongly on both of these points.  And that nothing will change her mind.  But she could have picked her words more carefully.  She is, in fact, calling BeeABC, and all mermaid Bees, ugly brides, and she’s telling Bee123, and all Bees who did not pay for their own weddings, that they don’t deserve their weddings.  Her comments didn’t have to be specifically directed at BeeABC or Bee123.  She could have said “I’m not a fan of mermaids,” or “I believe its best when weddings are self-funded” without insulting the bees who feel differently, just as Bees on this thread have said that they don’t agree with IVF, without saying that those who do it are selfish, or can’t afford to be good parents, or are obsessed with spreading their genes.

    Post # 118
    Member
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @HopefulForLittleOne:  Hi Hopeful, this is my last post on this particular sub-issue, because I don’t want to sidetrack the thread.  I absolutely agree some posts could have been better phrased to be more sensitive, but I firmly disagree that anything stated in this thread was name calling.  Name calling is against the TOS, so I think it’s very important to distinguish between the two situations.  Name calling is saying “You are a clown for wearing a mermaid dress.”  It is not “I think mermaids are clownish.”  One is directed at a person, another is a opinion – which may apply to people on the boards and in the thread, but is not specifically addressed to anyone.  Again, I’m sorry you felt your choices were personally criticized, but I do not believe it was intended as such, or that anyone called you any specific names.

    And with that OP, I think this thread is getting to running it’s course.  For a registry digression, DH’s brother just emailed us to ask if we’d take part in their red envelope tea ceremony they’re doing (before it was just the uncles/aunts) and said they’d provide lucky red envelopes for us to give back to them empty.  I found that quite entertaining.  We already have a gift, so we may have to find out what the lucky number is in chinese to give in ones.

    Post # 119
    Member
    1906 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I personally wouldn’t do this, but that’s because I wouldn’t feel comfortable announcing something so personal. BUT, I wouldn’t judge anyone who DID do this. Especially as I expect to have fertility issues.

    The topic ‘SPINOFF: Would you do a fertility treatment fund in lieu of a registry?’ is closed to new replies.

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