Post # 1
My Fiance and I attend church together and that’s about all. We attended premarital couseling where the counseler stressed to us the importance of building our foudation on Chirst. I thought my fiance would take it and run with it but he has not. We don’t pray together or study together and it bothers me. I purchased a couples devotional book for us and find myself being the only one who encourages us to pick it up and learn from it. As I grow older I yearn to build a strong bond with God and want that for my household but am not certain that’s where we together are headed.
Last night I went to bible study and my fiance came along for the first time. The preacher asked that we find a prayer partner and gave us the guidelines on what to do with the prayer partner. He encouraged us to branch out and possibly pear up with people we may not know that well. Our church focus for the year is creating bonds. When we were leaving I was asking my fiance who he may have had in mind. He says the name of someone he knows VERY well and who rarely evey attends church. I was disappointed because it seems like he doesnt take God seriously. He goes to church on Sunday’s gives money and that’s it.
My other concern is his moral code. He’s a good natured person but some things alert me. For instance last night were watching a segment about JFK’s mistress. The lady said she doesnt regret having the affair. I then replied she’s selfish. He said she was young. I said that is still no excuse you don’t sleep with married people. The grown woman (even at 19) knows simple right from wrong. I then asked him would you sleep with a married person if we werent engaged. His response is not now i’m too old. I said well when you were younger and the circumstances were right would you have done it. This man says yes. Problem is you grew up in the church so you should definitely know sleeping with married people is unacceptable. I kind of gave him the cold shoulder and he knew I WAS NOT feeling him after that response.
Point of this post is I am scheduled to marry this man in a little over a month. On paper we are perfect however we are not on the same page spiritually and it’s concerning to me. What should I do? Am I overreacting?
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re overreacting, Compatibility isn’t just ‘on paper’ it has to be in every way that is importnant to both of you. I’m not meaning to say you have to be alike in every way but there are certain ideals you must share that are very important to one or both of you or else you are setting yourself up for disappointment or pain in the future.
Ex: There are certain things I do no believe in under any circumstances and I couldn’t be with someone forever that was ok with them. Cheating is one of them, someone who would say its ok to cheat if you are in a different state/country or if the other person never found out I could never be with them. That kind of personality flaw is incompatible with me. Same with if someone was a compulsive liar, or someone who never wants kids. Not to start a policy war but I could also never be with someone who was ok with abortion….its these things that are your dealbreakers that you should talk to your SO about before you get married. Then you need to decide if you can live with it or if its a dealbreaker and you can’t be with someone who shares that opinion.
It’s not a matter of being mean or not, certain things you need to be on the same page about,especially if you want to have kids one day. You need to be a team. So what I would suggest is tell him all these things your worried about and find out what he wants to do. Just keep in mind you can’t force people to change, they have to do it themselves.
I had to break up with the man I thought I was going to marry due to way too many moral differences and it hurt but I found my fiance who connects with me on so many levels and we share a deeper love than I had ever known before. Not saying you should break up but it warrants some careful thought and talking with him about where your future is going to be 🙁 good luck.
Post # 4
Do you think this is the man God made for you? If you met him today, walking on the street, would you date him?
Don’t marry someone looking to fix them or change them. Yes, he may grow spiritually, but he could also fizzle even more. Is he committed to taking potential children to church or does he see himself at home on Sundays while you take the kids? Have you asked him to pray with you?
I think you need to be blunt with him– “I’m nervous about the wedding because I feel like we aren’t on the same page about the role religion plays in our lives.”
Post # 5
Have you talked to your Fiance openly about this? Does he know how important it is to you that the both of you do your best to have a strong relationship with Christ?
Is your Fiance Christian? Does he believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for his sins and defeated death 3 days later? From the way you describe him, he sounds like a “cultural Christian”, someone who was likely brought up Christian and follows Christian practices only because they’re “normal” with his family and friends, but his heart isn’t in it. In the end, only your Fiance can open his heart and try and have a closer relationship with God. You can’t expect to change him.
Post # 6
As someone who is not Christian or affiliated with any particular religion, I just wanted to share that my point of view agrees with the PP. There are certain stances in our lives that are “dealbreakers.” If there is something in your relationship that deeply bothers you, whether is is about religion or not, you need to have an honest conversation with your Fiance. If it is something that you feel you cannot go forward into marriage with, you need to have a long and hard moment to yourself and decide whether or not you want to continue with the relationship. Ultimately, that decision is up to you on if you believe that this man is a man that meets your fundamental needs, in your case, in his religious stance. I do not think you are overreacting if it is something that truly bothers you (which it certainly sounds like it does). Listen to your heart and decide whether or not you can live with your Fiance for the rest of your life with the religious stance that he currently has. You cannot hope to “change” someone into the ideal that you want. You have to find out if you can accept him as he currently is, or if he is just not the right man for you.
Post # 7
You have to figure out if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. Calling off the wedding beforehand is always much easier than getting a divorce or annullment later on, especially if you want to get married again. A dealbreaker for me is someone who wanted children or already had children, and someone who didn’t want the same things out of life that I did.
Post # 8
How long did you two date before getting engaged? Is this something new that you noticed or did you think that your Fi would change? I am not trying “blame you” or anything I am just curious as to why these issues are bothering you right now. You should definitely figure whether this is a dealbreaker for your or not. Do not marry this man if you think he is going to “change” or “grow”
Post # 9
Gosh what a touch situation being that you are getting married so soon. Talk to him PRAY ABOUT IT. As someone who just married a man who is a good spiritual leader and christ follower I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone who wasn’t if it were important to me as it seems like it is to you. There was a women who was like a mentor to a lot of us in our college group many years ago whose husband wasn’t really a believer and she would say how hard it was and un fulfilling and they ended up gettinga divorce after 20 some years of marriage. But there is also always hope, he does go to church maybe he is just in a dry spell spiritually right now?
Post # 10
Gosh, that’s so hard.
I also have “deal breaker” qualifications… actually, I had a list two pages long of things that I would break a relationship for me after dating several guys who were just not good for me. I was so happy when I found my Fiance, who amazingly checked off every box.
Religion was absolutely one of those things, though. I have some pretty unique perspectives on religion and I’ve dated a guy before who was MUCH more conservative than me and it was just a train wreck when it came down to how we thought families should be raised and what we would teach them about evolution especially (I’m a science person… I believe in evolution and he didn’t. You wouldn’t believe the arguments that started over that). It is absolutely essential that you have religious solidarity in a marriage, no matter what your exact views are; you need to be with somebody who will have the same moral compass so your children will be getting a consistent upbringing.
I think this requires a serious talk immediately. Like others said, maybe he’s just in a dry spell. It might also help to go outside the typical Christian box to see if he’s just a little burnt out (being a “good” Christian is undoubtedly hard sometimes). Maybe think of some ways to remind him that God is everywhere (community service, working with children, time in nature, non-religious bonding for you two), and religion is how we celebrate Him.
I’ve always felt so thankful for the many blessings in my life that I can’t help but want to get involved at church with people who are so happy as well.