(Closed) Splitting up holidays..FMIL makes me anxious and frustrated……super stressful

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: What do you think is the best way for us to handle holidays?

    Continue what we are doing in alternating holidays despite how much we see each family.

    Give my family dibs on more holidays because we see them less.

    Dont see anyone. Skip all holidays.

    other (explain)

  • Post # 3
    966 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Since his family lives closer, and it seems like celebrations with his mom are just the 3 of you, maybe you can celebrate the holidays on a different day with his mom? Like celecrate Easter with Mother-In-Law a week early or late? It just seems like, since you see your family less often, and they will all be together for holidays, you would get more “bang for your buck” celebrating with your side on the actual day (see more relatives) and celebrating with Mother-In-Law another day. Maybe not every holiday has to work this way, but some of them at least.

    Post # 4
    2521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Splitting up holidays is rough especially one family is further away and you don’t get to see them as much (in my case it is my family as well).  I definitely want to spend all holidays with my family, just for a chance to see him, but I know that isn’t fair.  However, holidays aren’t the only reason to see someone.  This past Christmas, for example my parents didn’t get Christmas, but we flew out there a couple days after Christmas just to spend time with them and celebrate the holiday late.  Is there not another time you could go see your parents.  Maybe for a late holiday, or someones birthday, or just because.  It seems to me that you are more concerned with spending time with them than actually celebrating a holiday with them.  Or if his mom is ok with it, celebrate with her on a different day.  When life gets more complicated we can’t always celebrate holidays on the day, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be celebrated.   They are all about spending time with family anyways.  

    Post # 5
    662 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Yeah you’ve created a monster by catering to FMIL’s whims. I say give your family gatherings priority because they require more planning and travel. If your ILs can behave themselves and act like normal adults, invite them to your family gatherings and instead of hovering over them, let them interact with your family. You should split the holidays two ways–your side and his side (whether his side is the mom or the dad will alternate). His side shouldnt get 50% more of the holidays just because they divorced.

    Post # 6
    557 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    Footballwife:  Is your family close enough that you could possibly split the day with his mom? It does make for a busy holiday, but my SO and I are both very comitted to our families. We see his family for EVERY holiday..and why not? They live down the street. My family lives over an hour away.

    What we do is start with his family (they usually get together around 12-2ish) then we head into the city to spend time with my family for dinner. Fortunately my family only has huge extended family get together on Christmas, so my SO knows there will NEVER be a Christmas that we spend completely with his family. Thanksgiving is HUGE for his family, not a big deal for mine, so we usually just stay in town, but if my parents wanted to do something we would make an effort to do both. For Easter my family usually drives to my aunts house (which is 4 hours away from us) which also takes the pressure off for us because no, we are not driving 4 hours and getting home at midnight when we have to work the next day!

    Mostly I think that as long as his mom lives pretty close to you (like within 15-30 minutes), just make the effort to stop by every holiday. No, you might not stay for hours and eat dinner, but that is something she just has to deal with. I think if she says something about it your Fiance needs to remind her you guys are making an effort to see her and that is the best you can do.

    Post # 7
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    View original reply
    Footballwife:  We rotate through the families for every holiday and we also add in holidays where we stay home and celebrate just the two of us so we can make our own traditions.  No matter how you distribute them someone is going to say it’s unfair.  That’s why we split our holidays as equally as possible across his parents, my mom & stepdad, and my dad & stepmom.

    We do not split up the holiday itself and spend the holiday driving from one house to another.  I did that as a kid and hated it.  We commit to one house for the holiday and that’s it.  When anyone complains or argues with how we plan to spend the holiday we decide to stay home and celebrate alone for that holiday.  We also have the option to combine family for holidays on occasion such as this past Christmas which we spent at his parents and invited my dad & stepmom to join us.

    Post # 8
    3208 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I don’t understand why you guys have split holidays up 3 ways. Split them two ways (alternating Xmas and thanksgiving), then alternative your FI’s respective holiday in a given year between his mother and father. This the way I’ve seen it done, and it’s the way my sister does it. 

    I think it’s great to have his family come to your parents’ holidays, but that doesn’t mean you need to host them. They’re adults, and they can socialize on their own once they’ve been introduced. Thanksgiving at my parents’ is HUGE because all my siblings’ in-laws come over, with the exception of my FI’s parents. They prefer to do a very small, quiet gathering, so we usually will designate the week before or after thankgiving to visit with them. 

    What’s most important here is that you need to speak with your Fiance so he understands how important family holidays are to you and your family. He needs to be on your side and you need a united front in order to stand up to your Future Mother-In-Law, who is acting like a petulant child. 

    Post # 9
    2615 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    since fiance’s side is closer— you should do major holidays with your side- then  before  the holiday have a gathering with fiances dad side and then mom side after the holiday

    Post # 10
    11735 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    Footballwife:  why don’t you split up on holidays? If you don’t hve kids I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t do this. Especially for more “minor” holidays like Easter…

    Post # 11
    4810 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    Footballwife:   I don’t think splitting up the holidays three ways is fair.  Split up the holidays as if his parents were not divorced, and either spend part of the day with each of his parents, or divide yet again between his mom and his dad.  


    Post # 12
    2296 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    i think each side should get half – your family and his family. how you then choose to split up his half is up  to you. 


    Post # 13
    871 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    View original reply
    Footballwife:   Same Easter situation and both of our families are religious. Obviously, it is only an issue once every four years when Greek Orthodox and Catholic Easter land on the same day. What Fiance and I do is have Thanksgiving with my side every year(his family does not care about Thanksgiving and rarely really celebrate it) and then when Orthodox and Catholic easter happen at the same time we go to his side(Orthodox). My family can’t get upset because they have every Thanksgiving, so not attending easter once every four years isn’t a huge deal.

    The topic ‘Splitting up holidays..FMIL makes me anxious and frustrated……super stressful’ is closed to new replies.

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