Post # 1
Hi bees. I got my BFP about a week ago and started bleeding yesterday like a period. Went for an ultrasound today and was told that I had a spontanoeus abortion. Have been googling away and the term seems similar to a chemical pregnancy. I am devastated. This was Darling Husband and I’s first month trying so I felt really lucky that we had succeded right away. Perhaps, it’s insensitive for me to complain given so many bees that have been trying for months and years… I just feel completely dead inside. About 3 years ago I was pregnant and in my 5/6th week I had started bleeding like I did this time. Darling Husband and I weren’t married, were having relationship difficulties and were both in school, while we wanted this baby we knew we wouldn’t be able to afford it. When I started bleeding that time I thought I was miscarrying, we had made an appointment for an abortion (my most shameful secret) and SUPRISE the tech told me that I hadn’t miscarried and that the fetus was still intact. I went ahead with the abortion… I hope no one finds this offensive, it was a very difficult time for me and took me years to recover from all the regrets.
Needless to say, with my current pregnancy and the bleeding it’s triggering a whole bunch of past emotions. Not to mention negative thoughts about this being my second pregnancy with heavy period like bleeding. I’m asking myself if I will ever be able to carry to term…this may seem ludicrous but am I being punished for my abortion? I have no idea what a chemical pregnancy means, is it genetic? Could I face this again? I really admire all you bees (because I know there are alot) that have faced chemical pregnancies, miscarriages and fertility issues and STILL keep trying. Honestly, with how I feel today I don’t know if I can start trying again. As soon as I got my BFP (and even during the TWW) it consumed my life, then when I started bleeding I was even more consumed with worry, anxiousness, sadness that I’ve pretty much neglected every other area of my life. It’s helpful to be able to write this because in real life I’m not someone that shares their emotions…
Thanks for taking the time to read. If there are any bees who have had a chemical pregnancy it would be great to know how you overcame the grief. I apologize in advance for anyone this post may have offended.
Post # 3
Please, do not beat yourself up over getting an abortion at a time in your life where your relationship was unstable and you were unprepared to care for a baby. You are not being punished now. Chemical pregnancies are pretty common, and they always have been, it’s just now that pregnancy tests can detect hormone levels so early that women notice more. Just because they’re common, however, doesn’t mean they’re any less heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Maybe take a few months off of trying to TTC to recover emotionally and spend some time just enjoying being with your husband. If you don’t feel better soon, you might want to consider seeing a counselor to help you deal with your pain and guilt. Please don’t let TTC consume your life. It can be a long, hard journey, but I hope this is only a bump in the road for you. Good luck, OP, and feel better.
Post # 4
I’ve never had any type of miscarriage but you’re correct, the five week mark is what would alternately be called a chemical pregnancy. It’s a very common thing, and often related to a natural way of embryos that wouldn’t be genetically viable (a lot can go wrong when you blend two people!). They’re even more “common” today just because pregnancy tests have gotten so good that people who are ttc are getting early bfps/miscartiages that previous generations would have assumed were just their regular periods.
As this is the first I would chalk it up to a fluke, but if it happens again its definitely worth keeping track of, and potentially charting to see if you have any luteal phase defects or low progesterone which can make it hard to sustain a pregnancy.
Min so sorry for your loss though. Take care of yourself ((hugs))
Post # 5
Please don’t feel bad about having an abortion. Many of us have made the same decision, there is no shame 🙂
I’m sorry you are going through this but I’m sure you have read the stats, that at least 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a sad number but one that should give you some comfort. Many of us have had miscarriages and gone on to have healthy pregnancies. I’m sure you will too 🙂
Post # 6
Please don’t beat yourself up over having an abortion. I know it’s hard, I had one as well 11 years ago and am now finally ready to have a family. I know it’s sad and it’s next to impossible not to get your hopes up when you see those 2 pink lines. When I had the TTC chat with my DR last year she came right out at the beginning of the conversation and told me “1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage”. It kind of burst by newly TTC bubble but I appreciate her frankness. I think she said it so that if it does happen to me I won’t think I’ll never be able to carry a child to term & something must be wrong with me.
I do have a few friends who MC’ed and went on to have beautiful babies with no complications or medical intervention, I’m sure your time will come too. Take some time to greive your loss and then get back to work, don’t give up!
Post # 7
I’m very sorry for your loss. A chemical pregnancy is essentially a very early miscarriage (happens right around the time your period is due). I’ve read that up to half of very early pregnancies end this way – often before the woman ever realizes she was pregnant. I see no reason to believe you will not go on to have a healthy pregnancy. CP is not genetic and has nothing to do with your prior abortion. Again, very sorry for your loss.
Post # 8
Thanks so much bees. I’m new to these boards after having been a longtime lurker. I finally understand why so many reach out for support…it really does help a girl feel better. Given Darling Husband and I had agreed not to announce our BFP there isn’t many people I can talk to. One of my best friends is so far from TTC and my other bff is pregnant with her second baby (never had complications). We haven’t told family.
When I spoke to Darling Husband he asked “are you sure the pregnancy tests were accurate?” I wanted to scream ” Are you serious?? I did THREE of them!!!” I guess that may just be his way of coping…live in denial. He disliked me using the term miscarriage. He’s very analytical and not the most intouch with his emotions, I’m pretty sure he’s already turned the page. Thanks for your understanding bees.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry to hear about the chemical pregnancy. I have just gone through something simliar – a blighted ovum (empty pregnancy sac). I had a BFP in January and was bleeding at 6 weeks, then stopped then bleeding at 8 weeks. Once we finally figured out what it was, the empty sac wouldn’t come out. I had to have a D&C this past Monday to remove the tissue.
There are so many emotions involved with losing a pregnancy. Please take your time, let yourself grieve, you have a right to be sad. Spend time with your Darling Husband, his support will be very helpful.
Let me know if you need to talk!
Post # 10
First of all, about 30% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and when you factor in chemical pregnancies where a lot of women didn’t even know they were pregnant, experts believe that the rate is about 50%.
It’s 100% natural, happens to most people (a lot of people multiple times) and is just a fact of pregnancy.
It has been shown that abortion, especially early abortions, have no effect on future pregnancy viability. This isn’t your fault. Miscarriage happens when the fetus can’t develop normally, or sometimes when the horomones, etc aren’t high enough to sustain a pregnancy. It is usually a developmental issue, however. You miscarried because that embryo couldn’t survive. It was never meant to.
Post # 11
@MrsJules: Well, not eveyone views early miscarriage as a death – even women. I’m one of him. I’m “in touch” with my emotions, but I also view pregnancy as a highly specialized and complicated process where a million things can go wrong. Especially at that stage, for me it is basically a dividing ball of cells. Some women view it as a baby, and rightfully grieve. Some of us don’t. It isn’t a “male vs female” issue.
Post # 12
Hi Jules, I’m so sorry that you are going through this right now. Miscarriage/chemical pregnancy/blighted ovum totally sucks. Wanted to tell you that you are not alone! You may want to check out http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/the-journey-of-ttc-after-miscarriages#axzz2MseSWp4f
Since you asked, my struggles with overcoming grief is a daily thing. I’ve found that it helps me to maintain a journal. Also, I try really, really, really hard to stop myself from obsessing/worrying, and stay focused on the positive things going on in my life. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you, and I am so so sorry for your loss.
Post # 13
I am so so very sorry about your miscarriage.
Post # 14
@MrsJules: first of all I am so sorry for your loss – there is nothing that can prepare you for other pain you experience when you miscarry. You have a right to grieve – there was a baby in there and you had hopes and dreams for them. Don’t let medical terms diminish this. I have had 2 MCs back to back (December, February) and I had similar concerns about what this meant for future pregnancies. My GP explained that 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in MC and only 1 in 5 will ever be noticed (because they are so similar to a late period). He said the shitty bottom line is that if you TTC long and often enough this statistic will effect you sometimes multiple times. Usually doctors won’t run a thorough investigation until you’ve had 5 or 6, but if you ask they will run some blood tests for peace of mind ruling out obvious issues like a luteal phase defect, hormonal imbalance, etc. they can also run betas on your future pregnancy which can tell you if the baby is developing or is likely to become another MC. But one thing is for sure – you are not being punished. Keep hope x
Post # 15
There is no shame in having had an abortion! Really. You did what was best for you and that’s good. You didn’t harm anyone.
You may have miscarried now, but you’re able to conceive pretty easily, so grieve all you need, but be sure you’re NOT being punished.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
I have had four losses. Each one remains with me to this day. Do not think in any what that because you had an abortion that you deserved this, you didn’t. There is no one way for a woman to get past a miscarriage, because for most it is a grieving process and everyone grieves differently. What I will say that I always found that it helped to talk about it and that you should take the time to take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk to about this and you would like someone that can relate, please feel free to PM me. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Hugs dear.