(Closed) Spot-Fillers… Spin off

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do you care about unknown Spot-Fillers?
    Yes - ONLY The people I invited can come. You're CRAZY. : (19 votes)
    28 %
    Yes - But I'll make exceptions for my closest friends : (20 votes)
    29 %
    No - As long as its not more seats than I expected : (25 votes)
    36 %
    Np - The more the merrier! : (5 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    7564 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I wouldn’t mind if it was a really close family member, someone traveling or a friend who wouldn’t know anyone at the wedding. 

    However, if I invite my (male) cousin and his girlfriend that’s another thing. If he says she can’t come but wants to bring a guy friend, I would probably say no. He’ll already have his parents, siblings and cousins with him – both traveling and at the reception. He’s not going to dance with his guy friend. I don’t feel like the friend is adding much.

    I think this has come about as weddings have gotten more expensive. Also it seems like some people invite lots of people hoping that 10 – 20% decline. 

    Post # 5
    8185 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I don’t care if I don’t know the people.  I have not met all of my FI’s friends and of the friends I do know, I do not know all the spouses. And I have not met all his family.  But the people he wants there are invited.

    What I am not doing is writing: Mr. Smith and Guest.

    If Mr Smith is in a relationship no matter how short or long, his SO will be named on the invitation.

    For us, single people are not getting invited with a guest.  We have about 25 single people.  Granted not everyone is going to come or bring a date but I need to budget as if everyone is saying yes.  If those 25 people brought a date, that is 25 more people.  I wouldn’t be able to invite others that I wanted.

    If I only knew the bride or groom, I wouldn’t want to attend a wedding alone.  But depending on my relationship with them and where it was, I would probably go.  You never know who you might meet.  

    The last few weddings I went to, I danced more with my girl friends than my FI anyway. My FI doesn’t really like to fast dance.

    Post # 6
    2273 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Elky:  It’s not a crazy thought process but it also depends on the wedding. Some bees are doing very small, intimate gatherings where they wish they could invite all of their friends, but are sticking with family and their absolute nearest and dearest. (ie family and maybe TWO best friends)

    Why should a complete stranger take up this spot when one of my good friends couldn’t come?

    Post # 7
    9567 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2018

    I plan on inviting all SOs who are invited by name, so ‘John Smith and Jane Doe’ rather than ‘John Smith and Guest’ for example. So invited guests ONLY. No random spot fillers, it is a wedding not a random party!

    Post # 8
    1350 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I’d rather not have strangers watch us get married. It’s an intimate day and I would feel uncomfortable with someone I wasn’t close with watching that.

    I know all our guests but 2 (FI’s cousin and his FI). He doesn’t know his cousin’s FI, but seperating a social unit is not appropriate. I would not be ok with him bringing someone else, because we’re only inviting his FI out of obligation.

    For a large wedding where the bride and groom don’t know all their guests I wouldn’t see this as a huge issue, but it is still very rude for someone to assume invitations are ok to transfer. They aren’t, people are supposed to be invited by name, those are the only people invited and it’s incredibly rude to invite uninvited people to an event someone else is hosting.

    Post # 9
    4282 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    If they won’t know many people or if they are travelling a long way, then I understand wanting to bring a friend if their SO can’t come.  However, if it’s short trip or local for them and/or they’ll know many other guests, I don’t see a reason for a stranger  who has no interest in me, my husband, or our wedding to be there.

    I did let my one cousin bring a guest when he asked, but it was a girl he was dating (who I didn’t know about), and when he asked, I already knew I had room & it wasn’t replacing someone else.

    Post # 10
    1847 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I have 135 people attending our wedding, and about 12 of them are guests I’ve never met. There are some that are just friends of my invited guests, and I’m fine with that. For example, my cousin is gay, but he doesn’t want to bring his male partner around our family (he hasn’t come out to all of them) so he’s bringing a female friend of his. I have no problem with this. Another cousin is in a bad place in his life because of woman troubles, and he wasn’t going to come at all, but he decided he would come because he can bring one of his make friends to hang out with. I’m fine with that too. I don’t really see how it’s a problem.

    Post # 11
    5480 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think it depends on how the invitation was addressed… @Jacqui90:  has a point- if it is addressed by name to a specific person or couple, then the invitation is extended to them specifically.  On the other hand, if you say Mr. Smith and Guest, then Mr. Smith can bring Bozo the Clown as his guest if he wants to.

    That said, if I invited a close friend and their significant other from out of town or something, and their SO couldn’t get off work/whatever, then I would be ok with a random person.  I think the invited person should call and ask so as not to appear presumptuous though.

    Post # 12
    10454 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I don’t mind. As long as they aren’t going over the number of people I invited, I get why they might not want to come alone. 

    Post # 13
    3830 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Elky:  “so technically I could be getting a bunch of people I don’t know, but I don’t care about that, my guests that I wanted invited are coming and they’re bringing people that will make them feel more comfortable and have a great time…”

    That’s the point. Some people do care about that. I’m one of them. We are having a fairly intimate wedding with 70-80 guests. My parents are paying for the venue, food, etc so they gave us a cap that we must respect and one that keeps every Tom, Dick, and Harry from coming to the wedding.

    Given that I’ve never met a lot of FI’s family and friends, we want to devote our time and energy to celebrating with the people who are important to me and FI and NOT having our time and energy hogged by Aunty so and so’s friend from church, and Family Friend Freddy’s flavor of the week.

    Nor do I want them all up in my pictures. We personally said we want to avoid looking at our photo album and saying “who is that?? and how did they make it in like every picture?” 

    This is our wedding… not our guests. And we are not so rude that we wouldn’t sit our guests with people they know.


    Post # 14
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    To me it’s more the issue of trying to micromanage.  It’s one thing to prefer close friends and family only.  It’s another thing to demand no one you don’t personally know and make guests uncomfortable or isolated because of your perceived comfort on a day when you will not be around every person for an extended amount of time.

    I think most brides forget that they are unlikely to themselves know every person that the groom’s side invites.  There are distant family members, far away friends, and people that while you may recognize the name you may not know the face.  Unless your celebration is under 50 or so, you are probably going to have people who are strangers to you.  I wonder a lot when I hear the “no strangers” comment is it no strangers to the bride, or to the couple?  Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

    A wedding is more than a signed guest book, it’s more than a photo album, and frankly a reception is about more than just the bride and groom since you are hosting guests.

    So I’m in the camp of “as long as there aren’t more seats than expected” but I also think it’s the couple’s duty as hosts to find a location to accommodate some uncertainty or to keep their guest list below the capacity limit… because things happen (guest that decline can suddenly make it, or a guest that said they were coming alone now wants to bring someone) and you can’t control or micromanage everything.  Part of being a gracious host involves some contingency planning and knowing that things will happen.

    Post # 15
    700 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Elky:  I agree with your thought process and that was how I approached my wedding and my guests!

    Post # 16
    1773 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I don’t think it’s all that hard to understand.  For us, there are ppl we definitely want there (more than we can invite).  If any guests are in a relationship, they can bring that person, or if they’d be uncomfortable coming alone or don’t know many other ppl who’ll be coming solo, then of course they can bring someone.  But, if a guest is single or can’t bring his/her SO and is comfortable coming solo because the guest knows lots of other ppl there or wants to meet ppl there, then we don’t see a reason for them to bring some extra person.  Instead, we’ll invite another person we know and care about. 

    It’s really not all that confusing.  I understand that some ppl think that, for a wedding, every single guest should be able to bring another person with them.  That’s fine and I’m not saying that’s wrong or that I can’t understand it, I just am balancing different factors and end up having different priorities, so I am not planning my event that way.  We’re still being reasonable and making sure our guests are comfortable.

    For the weddings a PP mentioned where the parents were invited and she went with them and was bored, maybe her parents shouldn’t have had her attend?  It sounds like she was already a plus 1 (for her parents), then to have fun at the event, she as a plus 1 needed another plus 1?  it can get a bit ridiculous imo if I need to invite a guest (kids’ friend) of guests (PP/kid) of guests (her parents) in order for my actual invited guests (the parents) to have a good time.  

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