(Closed) Spouse going to Ex’s family member’s funeral?

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It would bother me. Mostly because I hate my FIs ex. HATE. the thought of her makes my skin crawl. and he feels the same way about my ex. ( there is a long involved story there), however I would go to my Exs Fathers funeral , out of respect of the man. I would expect my ex to not have issue with it, or if he did, tell me exactly why he feels this way.  The same goes for me. If he felt the need to go to his exs parents funeral i would understand.  He knows that I have chosen him, and he has chosen me , so there is no insecruty there… just generalized dislike.

Post # 33
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to pick your battles. This is not something worth arguing over. Hes going to pay his respects to man that he probably liked at one point and it has nothing to do with you.

Post # 34
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It would bother me. I really wouldn’t be comfortable with it, and it has nothing to do with trusting my DH or not.

Post # 36
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My exhusbands grandfathers both passed after we divorced and I went to both their funerals. 

It wasn’t weird because I had once been a part of their lives. I wanted to pay my respects. 

For god sakes I stood holding my ex’s new wifes hand during the 21 gun salute and cried with her…it is for paying respects not anything more. 

And, him not wanting to bring you…he’s right. There is no need for you to go and have to be introduced to these ppl in this sad time. 

I think he’s spot on with what he wants to do and seems like he’s a very respectable man.

Post # 37
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think funerals are such a deeply personal thing that you can’t really fault anyone’s behaviour around that kind of a situation. My fiance is still friends with a few of his exes, goes to their Christmas parties, and is inviting one to the wedding. If one of their family members died I’d be surprised if he didn’t want to go, honestly, to pay his respects and to be a friendly, familiar face to someone who once meant a lot to him and is still a friend.

Post # 38
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No I’d not be bothered. I’d want to attend my ex’s family’s funeral too, if I was told/ invited to pay respects. I’d be pretty upset if that upset my partner…

Post # 39
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee

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@sillyme: I would want to go solo too, if I were in that position. I would not want to rish upsetting anyone during this sensitive time, but I would want to show support for someone I once cared for and still care for in some respects (assuming an amicable parting)

Post # 40
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I thnk that the fact that he wasn’t close to him is odd. I would definitely want to be there. My husband was really close to his ex’s mom, so if we learn that she passes and can make it to a viewing or funeral, we plan to go. I have no issues with this, I was friends with both him and the ex, and knew her mom pretty well growing up

Post # 41
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@sillyme: I totally agree with you and I think it’s strange that so many people don’t seem to care at all! I would definitely be bothered by this, especially if he wasn’t close with the deceased. It’s one thing to send a card, but to go to the funeral is a little inappropriate IMO.

I mean it’s a whole other story if he WAS close to the father, then it’s understandable why he would want to go and go solo, but he is no longer providing emotional support to his EX or acting as a part of her family so I don’t see why he would need to go.

Post # 42
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t see any issue with him going alone to this. You don’t know them and a funeral really isn’t the place for that. I think it shows his character that he wants to offer condolences even though he may not be a part of their family any more. Try not to fell insecure about this, him going alone is not a reflection of your relationship at all.

Post # 43
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think I’d care much…especially if he is still friendly with the ex. You mentioned that he went to her graduation party as well. Seems to me that they’re friends and you aren’t bothered by that. If a friend’s father passed away, I’d go out of support for that friend, even if I’ve never met his/her father. So it sort of seems like he’s doing the same for his ex…especially if they are friends.

Post # 44
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@moderndaisy: it’s not about not caring. Maybe its more resepct for his choices? If your DH feels that he needs to go and pay his respects to someone that did play a big role in his life at one point, then you need to respect that.

I went to my former bosses mother’s funeral. I worked for my boss for years and was close with her, never met her mother and haven’t seen my boss in years, but I felt that I needed to pay my respects. I didn’t see a reason for my SO to be there.

So you just need to respect his decision and trust that nothing more than saying i’m sorry for your loss will happen.

Post # 45
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

This is an ex. This is someone who he once had an intimate reltionship with and she will never just be some good old buddy and you deserve the respect of being shown you are the number one prority. 

How long ago was he with her? if it was recent and he feels he needs to go I understand that & he should take you. If it was a long time ago and he wasn’t feeling the need to visit this man after the relationship ended then he doesn’t need to attend the funeral.

who is he going for if he had no relationship with this man? is he going to be emotional support for his ex???  that’s inappropriate! 

would not happen in my world. 

 

 

 

Post # 46
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

The funeral, I get. He hasn’t met the father often, but she was close to her father and he was close to her, so going to the father’s funeral shows respect and that you care (not in a inappropriate way). The graduation party, that I don’t get.

And, if he had insisted on going solo to an ex’s graduation party, no I would not feel comfortable with him going to a funeral or any other event, for that matter; since that first event was, i my view, inappropriate to attend in the first place.

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