(Closed) Spouse going to Ex’s family member’s funeral?

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

I have no problem with my DH seeing his ex’s or family, especially in a funeral situation. As long as there was a good reason for it and he isn’t being deceitful. Good reason can even just be that they want to hang out or are friends or part of the same group. I might feel a tiny pang of insecurity, but I’d get over it. I trust him, and I’m secure with my trust in him.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to introduce you at her dad’s funeral. That just seems inconsiderate to me. You neither knew the ex or her father personally. Now, for the graduation party, I’m not sure why he didn’t want to bring you. It’s one thing for you not to go, it’s another thing that he didn’t want you there.

Post # 63
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

You know, I really find it odd that he would even consider attending as well as take his Mother along and not you. What’s the status of the EX?

If my Father had died, I would find it completely strange if any of my exes turned up out of nowhere. I can see why it would bother you. It would bother me too.

I also think it’s completely expected that a married couple would attend a funeral together, no matter who knows whom.

Post # 64
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He can pay his respects to the ex’s dad by attending the funeral.  And he can respect you by taking you with him.  I don’t find it strange that he wants to go.  I do find it strange that he doesn’t want you to go.

Post # 65
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

View original reply
@sillyme: Dude, can you look at most of the comments I’ve responded to???

I’ve taken it as you presented it with my very first comment. The additional comments were towards another posters serious take on it. 

Maybe read everything before attacking! K. thx!

Post # 66
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@sillyme:

Im glad he went and I hope you’re feeling OK about it today.  Don’t let anyone here get you upset. I think his mom wanting to go is telling that this may be a family/cultural thing where he feels that he should go to pay respect.

Feelings about funerals vary enormously through cultural and family customs. For instance, my dad goes to funerals of parents of people he was friends who he hasn’t spoken to in years, but my mom thinks its odd – my dad is from an Italian-American family where that is the norm – but my mom was raised differently. When my grandmother on my Italian side passed, there were people at the funeral who knew her when she was a waitress in the 50s and hadn’t seen her since – but when my Lebanese gramma passed, it was really only family and the closest of friends. 

So – my main point is, try not to look at it as an EX issue (especially since he’s going with his mom!!), but just as a difference in opinions between the two of you as to when attending a funeral is appropriate vs. not. 

Does that make sense? Sorry I rambled a bit…

Post # 67
Member
2140 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@moosey:

think funerals are such a deeply personal thing that you can’t really fault anyone’s behaviour around that kind of a situation.

Agreed 100%.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to people’s reaction on death.

This is not about you. This is about someone that he was once close with that lost a father. Nothing more. I find it admirable that he wants to go . I do find it a tad weird he does not want you to go with him but I would let it slide.

Last year my husband found out that his ex Girlfriend (the one before me) committed suicide. It devastated him and made him wonder if he could have done more to help her. He wanted to go to the funeral and I encouraged him to go, with or without me. I encouraged him to reach out to her family and express his condolences. The only thing it incited in me is pain for my husband because he was hurting. This was someone he date for two years, how could he not feel anything hearing that she passed? That was about him not me.

This is about your husband wanting to pay respect and support someone that he was once close to. That is admirable rather than him saying oh she was in the past, who the heck cares if she’s in pain now?

Post # 68
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Don’t sweat it. I think it shows he has a lot of character, that he feels the need to show his respect this way. He is showing kindness and respect to his ex, as a friend. I had a horrible marriage and divorce, but I still went to my ex’s father’s funeral. No matter how I felt about the way things went, with us, I knew that a part of me needed to acknowledge that he was hurting and needed and wanted me there. So, I went, offered my condolences, paid my respects and left. The event actually helped me get a lot of closure on the relationship, too. If your guy feels a need to do this, let him do it, and just greet him with love when he comes back.

Post # 69
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It would definitly bother me!

Post # 70
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@sillyme: So um not to beat a dead horse. But I think the fact that he also went to her graduation party and told you not to come is weird. He seems very involved in her life and is working equally as involved to keep you out.

 

Does anyone else think that’s weird?

Post # 71
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@sillyme: I just read where you said you dont understand how it would not bother some for their SO to see their ex. Its simple. They are an ex. Im confident that being with me is where my SO wants to be and we arent even married yet. So he sees an ex….meh. I trust him. Especially given the circumstances in this particular situation.  Its a funeral not a night out at the club drinking. I would let this one go and be respectful of his wishes.

ETA: just read that he is in fact going to go but you were asking for opinions on how people felt. I think my answer is still appropriate but I wanted to add that i also ready someone mention a graduation party. That would not be ok with me. A funeral is more touchy and I get that but a graduation party? in that situation I would have made a stink about not being able to go. I wouldnt have minded that he wanted to go to that either but for a more social setting like that I would think it appropriate that you be there too.

Post # 72
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Mrs. PolarBear, The graduation bit… a bit odd, but hes going to the funeral with his MOM, i don’t see that as working to keep OP out.

Post # 73
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@ItWasntMe: Totally agree. My mom’s friend’s husband died, dad didn’t know anybody there–but he still went. It’s supporting your wife who is supporting the grief stricken. That’s the way I always thought it went. Couples go together. 

I don’t think that is strange at all. But as OP said, he is going with his mother. I’m sure everything will turn out fine. 

OP it’s okay to express your feelings. I’m glad you decided not to make a fuss. But what’s up with this graduation party thing lol

Post # 74
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

View original reply
@imalittlebirdie: I was referring more to the graduation party which he attended solo, and the funeral before his mother said she would go. But honestly, his mom isn’t going to go as a chaperone. She is going to console his ex. 

ETA:

And he DID actually say that his wife was not allowed. So yes, I consider that working to keep her out. These are two instances, but if the graduation party is any hint, I’d bet there are more instances like this. It’s a pattern. Also, I find that as a society we like to say that women are just being insecure when they are really having gut instincts. I don’t think OP is being insecure for the sake of insecurity…if I were a betting woman I would say there is more to this story that didn’t come out for the sake of a short post. But that could just be me.

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