(Closed) Spouse with addiction – Need advice/positive thoughts

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4932 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JustVenting:  Wow. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that. I have a step brother who is addicted to pain killers following a major accident. It’s awful. Someone else very close to me dealt with a serious addiciton as well. In his case, there has been success in treating it. It’s not hopeless, but in the case where your fiance doesn’t see it as a problem, well, for now all you can do it look after yourself. There are counselors (depending where you are) to help family members of people afflicted by addiciton. You could also consider speaking to his doctor about it, although I’m not sure how that goes legally where you are… 

In his case, it’s the physical addiction and likely the behavioral addiciton as well. He’s got a big elephant to eat… and for now it sounds like he’s not ready. 

I think you should seek counseling for yourself first, and possibly remove yourself from the situation until he is ready to deal with it. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about it privatley. Unfortunatley I have had a fair number of people around me affected by addicitons. 

Post # 4
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

After dealing with several family members who have gone through this, I would never wish what you’re dealing with on anyone. All I can do is send you positive vibes. I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 5
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Good energies and thoughts your way. I have no idea what’s the proper thing to do, but I can ell what I would do.

 

 

 

I would sit down with him, calmy, lovingly and in a non confrontational way. I would say that I’m worried because of X, X and X (specific examples) because it makes YOU feel X, X, X (focusing on the effect his addiction has on YOU). Say that for YOUR peace of mind it would mean the world if you guys could see a counselor together, and that you’d be 10 times happier talking about it with a professional to see if the pills are causing abnormal behavior.

hugs <3

 

Post # 6
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Someone who has an addiction will not keep a promise if he is not seeking professional help. Their promises mean nothing. 

You are going to have to be strong. Like you said he is not your husband on these pills and if you want your husband back youre going to have to let him know that if he doesnt go see someone about this youre going to leave him. Stand strong and go through with it if he doesnt. Maybe then hell start to take this addiction seriously and actively seek gettig professional help – sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and I would say this is one of the only ways your going to get your real husband back. 

 

I expect that reaction from his mother. A mothers love for her son is completely selfless and shes scared her little boy will have no one but shes reacting out of emotion not what is actually best for her son. I dont think her advice is good.

Post # 7
Member
9116 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Narc anon is similar to Al anon, but it’s for family/loved ones of drug abusers.  You might want to start going to meetings in your area.

There is really nothing you can do about his addiction.  He has to want treatment.  I also suggest counseling for youself to help you through this.

Try to focus less on him and his addiction and more on taking care of yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

You can’t fix him.

Post # 8
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

Please contact someone who can help YOU learn how to deal with an addicted family member.  I don’t know resources specifically for narcotic addiction, but I bet AlAnon – the support group for family members of alcoholics – could either help you with general information and/or point you to resources geared towards narcotic addiction. 

 

What a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with, I hope that he decides he has a problem and needs to deal with it.

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am sending warm vibes/energy your way along with prayers. You should take care of your self and get the needed support.  Unfortunately until he admitts he has a problem it won’t change and he will keep blaming you for things if you mention it.  People with addictions blame those around them for the things they are doing.  He will call you names, make you think you are crazy and it’s all in your head.  But stay strong and know it isn’t you.  If possible, remove yourself from the situation.  Maybe since his mother is on board with you, you can approach it together.  I know that rehabs are hard because most let the person sign themselves out whenever they want and insuarance only pays so much, not leaving enough time in to heal.  This will definately break up your relationship and fast if you don’t find the help for yourself and find a way to help him.  I know it shouldn’t all be on you because he is the one with the addiction, but you are the only ‘sober’ one in the relationship right now who can see clearly.  As for having an affair, it sounds like it is just drugs, but who knows who else is showing up at these get togethers he is going to.  Usually pain meds lead to other drugs as well.  Good that he isn’t wanting to get with you at the moment, because it would be really hard for you to have a baby right now with him not being there for you and with drugs in the home.  I really wish you all the best, and will keep praying for you. 

 

Hugs & Well Wishes.

Post # 10
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Gosh. I’m so sorry. My sister is a heroin/pill addict. Its ruined her life and her relationship with my whole family. At this point she’s actually delusional and filled with rage. Since it’s directed at me and is completely unfounded, I haven’t talked to her in 3 years. She was my best friend, we lived together, worked together, everything. Unfortunately she’s not the same person anymore and I can’t be around her until she get actual help and stays clean. She doesn’t even admit she has a problem so it’s never going to happen.

Unfortunately, until your husband sees its a problem and realizes that he absolutely must get help, nothing at all will matter. Addicts totally lie, cheat, and are @$$&*(#s generally. I’m so sorry. Please ask him to get counselling (alone and with you) and join a programme. Be willing to support him through getting help. 

But please also start thinking through what you will do if he doesn’t change or refuses help. Seriously consider opening a separate bank account and moving your money in case you need it. *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t have advice, but sending hugs your way… I know that prescription med addiction can be one of the hardest to beat, because the user often doesn’t believe there is a problem, due to the fact that it’s a legally prescribed drug.

I definitely might recommend counselling, for both of you to try to deal with this and understand how to help him. Good luck!!

Post # 13
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@JustVenting:

Is he taking two of tylenol?

I understand not wanting to give up on your marriage but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.  If he truly wants help than I think you should stay with him.  You just sitting by if he doesn’t want help is not part of the “worse” you vowed to stand by his side for.  You deserve to be happy.

Post # 14
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I also highly recommend Narc anon. Like others have said, there is nothing you can really do until HE wants help. My FH will be the first to tell you this. He still attends Narcotics Anonymous meetings at least once a week and often sponsors new members. My FH has been clean and sober for 18 years and STILL considers himself to be an addict.

However the sad fact remains that many addicts literally have to hit rock bottom before they will do anything. My FH is currently sponsoring a former pharmacist who lost EVERYTHING because of his addiction – his marriage, his kids, his home, his profession, his life’s savings, his home – EVERYTHING. You will need to take steps to protect yourself or you too will be without a home or any money to live on. Secure finances as much as possible and please get some support! This can be a heart-breaking journey!

Post # 15
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I also suggest NA, and I’m glad to hear that you are attending a meeting soon. It helps to talk with others who are in the same crappy situation. In addition to opening your own bank account where you keep your own money, you also need to cancel any joint credit cards that you may have. If he starts withdrawing cash advances, you can find yoiurself very quickly in a huge hole of credit card debt that it will take years to get out of. Also, hide any documents that have your social security number on them so that he can’t fraudulently open up new credit lines in your name. I know that may sound paraniod, but addicts can stoop very low to get the money they need to support their addiction. Protecting yourself now may actually help save him from himself in the future.

 

Post # 16
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Everyone has been giving you great advice. Keep in mind that what you would do to support someone who is ill, but not having an addiction is very different from what you have to do when the person’s illness *is* an addiction. Sometimes the things you have to do to help an addict is counter-intuitive to what you want to do. Narc-anon will give you the tools to do what is best in this horrible situation. But please know, that until he wants to get better, there is nothing you can do. Even when he wants help, there is nothing you can do. It’s all up to him. 

Protect yourself emotionally– Narc-anon and individual counseling. Dont Mother-In-Law guilt you if you make a decision that is best for you, but might hurt her baby.

Protect yourself financially– make sure he cant access your individual accounts and have your paycheck deposited there. Make sure you dont have joint Credit Cards. Put a fraud alert on your credit, so there are extra hoops you have to go through before a new line of credit can be opened.

This is going to be a long road, but we are here for you–good luck!

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