Ah! It was ackward at first but got eaiser. He said from the get-go that he wanted to get married. I wasn’t really that sure it was a life-goal of mine. Fast forward 6 month or so…I was so sure he was “the one” and for the first time in my life really wanted to get married.
I mean, I was a bit OBSESSED! But I kept a lot of it inside and didn’t talk to him about it DIRECTLY untill maybe 2-3 months ago. It was interesting for me psychologically because I had a lot of feelings of disapproving of this desire at first. My parents are divorced, I’m very independent, etc. So at first it took a while for me to accept that I really wanted to get married to him. I was afraid of it. And he always said he wouldn’t stay with someone past 6 months if it wasn’t a possibility.
He was bringing up marriage-related stuff “hypothetically” starting around 5-6 months. Which became frustrating. Because I had realized I’d marry him FOR REAL! We’d talk about what we’d spend on wedding/honeymoon, other random questions. One particularly promising conversation was about proposals, and how as a guy it would be so nerve-wracking to have to get it perfect, etc. And I said, what about the girl? She just has to sit around and wait for a proposal! And he said he doesn’t believe in that. Guys need a gentle kick sometimes and it’s OK for the woman to say “hey I want to get married”. COOL! I stored this little tidbit away in my brain for later.
Thinking it was great he’d be the guy who’d have a reasonable conversation about it, and didn’t just expect the girl to wait. Little did I know, we still had the typical-guy-freakout stuff ahead of us….
I finally turned it around at about 7-8 months when we were talking about yet another marriage-related thing he brought up. I was sick of this being hypothetical. And something was a little uncomfortable during our talk and I said “you’re the one who keeps bringing up marriage!” and he said “well it’s good in theory but when I think of ME getting married that’s another story. I’m not ready to get married”. So I said “how much time do you need?” LOL!!! It was the first time I’d turned the question directly to him and it hadn’t just been “talk”
Of course he mis-interpreted that as thinking I was upset he hadn’t proposed yet! So we had another convo a few nights later. At one point I just basically said you started it (jokingly/tactfully), you’re the one who always said he wants to get married and now I am having these thoughts (so you can go ahead and freak out if you like). I said it was uncomfortable for me, knowing that BEING WITH HIM was what made me feel for the first time that I could be happily married. And yet, when he thinks about it, he can’t actually apply it to his life. That was a little rough and he tried to re-assure me. Then I tried to forget about it and not push. I thought, well it hasn’t been close to a year yet and he’s going to think it’s way to soon, I’ll wait till it’s closer to a year.
Well, after 10-11 months I finally just said it. Just like he’d said on vacation months ago, I said straight out “I want to be married to you”. And it was definitely a load off. And that started a more productive talk. Or so I thought. He talked about his roommate moving out soon. Where I’d want to live, etc. He still said there was a lot of logistical stuff he’d have to work out. He thought we had a future together. I asked what he was thinking for timeline and he said “I don’t know, could be 6 months, could be 2 years” and “who brings this up at 10 or 11 months? Who gets engaged after only being together a year” (one of his friends just did, actually, which I pointed out). “I’m not ready, I don’t know if it’s me, or us, or you, or fear of commitment”. But he wouldn’t get any more specific about his concerns. Needless to say, this didn’t work for me. And feeling like he was freaking out and getting defensive wasn’t working for me either. (Now I know it’s quite common for guys to have this initial shock when marriage is a real possibility rather than a distant goal.)
So I almost left him, this was about a month ago. It had been 11 months of being together. I said I’m sorry, maybe I waited to long to bring this up and I might be resentful now. I’ve wanted to be with you, and felt very strongly that you were the one. And we’ve talked about this before so you’ve had a chance to get this ‘freaking out’ stuff out of your system. I’m having doubts now. If you don’t feel ready, and don’t feel the same way about me I can’t be in an unequal relationship indefinitely. It’s fine if you’re not sure about MARRIAGE but I deserve someone who’s sure about ME. I am not going to throw out a great relationship with the love of my life, but this will not be a “great relationship” for much longer. It will deteriorate and I will be even more unhappy. You are the guy who wants to get married and if you don’t want to get married to me that’s going to take a toll on my self-respect. So I think it’s best if we weren’t together any more. Call it off now while we still have our dignity intact.
He said please don’t leave, he’ll figure it out please give him 2-4 months. He knew I was serious about leaving and it wasn’t just a tactic. I had my doubts but he’s never let me down before. I said 3 months would be better but I’m willing to try to give him 2-4. Then I joked that he’s a procrastinator so why not say 1 month and we both know he’ll do it in 3-4 😉
We’ve talked once since then. When our friend got engaged. He was telling me about the ring process and I said “I wish my guy was that excited about our future together” and he said he really was thinking about it. That it was less uncomfortable for him, and he admitted he’d been “coasting” for awhile. But he’s not anymore since our talk. And assured me that I made the right decision to give him the chance to sort through it and not feel like he was being given an ultimatum.
And now it’s his own timeline he’s working with, so he has no one to blame but himself if it’s too soon!
I’ve had some “crazy waiting” moments in the last few weeks. I’ve also had some moments when I let go completely. I don’t have the energy to care anymore/obsess over it. We’ve spent the last 2 weekends away from each other due to birthdays and family stuff, and maybe that’s why. Also I hear it’s common that if a woman is ready first, when the guy comes around sometimes she’ll become unsure or reject the proposal. Have you heard of this phenomenon? I read about it in the John Gray “Mars and Venus on a Date”.
Sorry this got really long!