(Closed) Staging an intervention on my own bridal shower

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Honestly, I would try to stay as oblivious as possible. This is your day, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that drama.

The Maid/Matron of Honor is technically the "head honcho" in this situation…so I would just have her lay the cards out for your SIL:

* Her house is just not convenient for the majority of the guest list, and that’s who you need to consider.

* The Maid/Matron of Honor is the one in charge of the planning…so SIL should sit back until the Maid/Matron of Honor gives her tasks to do.

* The Maid/Matron of Honor knows you best! I think she should just tell your SIL that. (Honestly, it sounds like your SIL carries drama with her everywhere, so there’s no avoiding it. I would say it just like that, because she’s going to be huffy about it, either way.)


Post # 4
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Yikes.  I had a similar situation with my bach party.  I wanted cheap, fun, everyone can participate and one Bridesmaid or Best Man suggested a spa day ($$$) and another paint your own pottery (too sedate- not fun!).  My sister/MOH did what your Maid/Matron of Honor is doing and checked with me about what I wanted (just confirming what she already knew) and told them flat out- that I wouldn’t like either of those ideas.  Then she went and planned the kind of bach party I did want.

How many BMs do you have?  Perhaps a majority rules approach would allow them to come to a consensus without you having to get involved?

Just have you Maid/Matron of Honor say- "We want to do what’s best for Editrix and your house is too far- she would hate in inconvenience everyone.  I’m certain that she would go for XYZ idea.  As long as majority agrees, we’ll go with this idea."

Post # 5
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

After my family didn’t show up at my first shower (long story), I pulled the rug out from under the second one and said "just forget it".  As soon as everyone else’s issues became my issues, I stopped wanting to deal with having the party.  I don’t roll very well with drama… so it was a pretty easy decision. 

Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I didn’t want to have to worry if so and so is happy or if family member A is getting along with friend B.  I’ll see them all at the wedding and they can celebrate with me then…

Sorry this is tough for you.  As you can see, I have no good advice (only avoidance) in this realm!

Post # 7
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

similar situation here for my *cancelled* bachelorette party and shower.  And I too agree with Rosey.  Just have Maid/Matron of Honor tell SIL she ran several ideas through you and you were against pottery and anything at her house…and maybe brunch too.  Dont let SIL force her will on you.  This is your shower..

Post # 8
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I honestly let my Maid/Matron of Honor deal with it.  It is technically her turf.

However it does seem like Maid/Matron of Honor can’t get her 2 cents to SIL.  In which case I would maybe casually bring it up at the family function this weekend when you talking wedding stuff, ie So how are you girls doing with the Bridal shower planning?  She will likely walk you through the whole plan in which case you can intervene when appropriate, or even just tell her your vision for the day (in a calm manner). 

Hopefully it will all work out for you! Good Luck!

Post # 9
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I just had to put the kibosh on my B’ette Plans b/c it was becoming too much drama for me.  It’s not fun for me anymore.  I think that either you need to ask your Maid/Matron of Honor to figure this out yourself, or cancel the whole thing.  I don’t think you need this stress, and it sounds like your Maid/Matron of Honor knows what would work for you so she can go to bat for you.

Post # 10
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Just a question, is she your brother’s wife or your FI’s sister? I am guessing it is your brother’s wife since you refer to her as "your SIL" and not Future Sister-In-Law. If it is your FI’s sis, my idea may not work as well and you may need to send Fiance "after her" 🙂

I think if she is ignoring your Maid/Matron of Honor, you should probably step in. Maybe have a laid back "chat" with her this weekend at the family event. Bring up casually that you heard that there were talks the shower may be at her house (thus not throwing Maid/Matron of Honor under the bus) and that you really are not too sure about that. Maybe point blank ask her if that’s what Maid/Matron of Honor suggested and that would be a surprise to you since you thought it was going to be at _____ (insert a place or 2 you would like to go). If she doesn’t seem to get it at this point, point out the long distance everyone will need to travel and how you know that Maid/Matron of Honor will plan a perfect day for you since she knows you so well!

And honestly, if this continues, you may need to step in again and tell her that Maid/Matron of Honor is planning this and back off a bit.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Post # 12
22 posts
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry your SIL is being so frustrating!

If she’s ignoring your Maid/Matron of Honor, perhaps you can casually say something to your SIL about how you heard about all "the great ideas you all are coming up with" for the shower and how you really like the idea of doing the shower at " _insert your favorite idea here_" since it’s convenient for everyone and sounds like fun.

I find that focusing on "positives" rather than things that you don’t want works the best as a first-approach. (after that, I would just be blunt and let her know your reasons for not wanting it at her house)

Good luck 🙂 

Post # 13
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Ugh – aren’t large groups of women ABHORENT?!

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  My suggestion would be that you stage a sit down with your SIL that is NOT a familiy function and maybe consider including your Maid/Matron of Honor.  That way you can call the meeting, keep them both in the dark and be like "look, someone (maybe another Bridesmaid or Best Man can get tossed under the bus for the sake of the team) told me that we are not all on the same page.  THIS is what I want.  THIS is what I don’t want".  I know that in a perfect world our SILs and MOHs would all magically get along and know exactly what we want and be able to orchestarte it perfectly while we flounced around Tiffanys with our FH’s registering for $500 glass bowls but that’s not the case.  I think, for your own sanity and the sanity of the rest of the bridal party, you should step in, give some concise, swift direction for the shower and then step back out.  THAT way your SIL knows that you will not put up with her shenanigans but also doesn’t feel singled out for her naughtiness.

Let us know how it goes 🙂

Post # 14
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Could you Maid/Matron of Honor possibly talk with your Future Mother-In-Law or Future Father-In-Law and ask them to kindly talk with the FSIL? Sometimes the only person someone will listen to is their parents.

Post # 16
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Oh boy…I have the same situation going on for mine.  One Bridesmaid or Best Man trying to make it convenient for her and her alone.  Here is what I dsicovered with her – and it genuinely seems to be the same with SIL…she isnt getting the tact.  You and your Maid/Matron of Honor are tying the tactful route, but she either doesnt get it or just doesnt care because its all about her.  I finally had to step in, let everyone know I was aware of the issues, and flat out say "THIS is what I want…I want it here, this decor, this food, nothing else."  I basically said "If a decision cant be made, Im making it – case closed."  Now I am by no means a bride-zilla, but she wasnt getting it and nobody else had the cojones to be blunt.  You’re the bride its allowed   I did secretly have the Maid/Matron of Honor make the decisions, I just conveyed them so it sounded like it was coming from me.  Nobody can argue that, and if she does, too bad, again, youre the bride. 

 You could tell her that Maid/Matron of Honor came to you with some options, you noticed that SIL’s hosue was on there, and that you dont want that.  Nothing personal, but its preference and convenience.

 I’d avoid any more gentle conversations – if this is anything like my case, it goes in one ear and out the other. 

I realize this post sounds harsh, I swear Im not a brat!!!!

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