- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
(First, I apologize for this being so long.)
There seems to be mucho drama between my Maid/Matron of Honor and future SIL around planning my bridal shower. From what I gather (and also personally know about these two), the drama is much of SIL’s doing. The bottom line is that SIL seems to be making this shower all about what’s best for *her* and what she wants, not necessarily what’s best for all the guests or even what I want personally.
I have to admit that I have no strong ideas about what I want for my shower, other than that I don’t want to recycle a lot of the same tired games that always seem to get played, and I just want it to be fun for everyone.
A couple of weeks ago, SIL and I were at another shower together when we started talking about plans for my own. She said that she thought a brunch would be a good idea because it would get done early without taking up everyone’s entire day. I said I was fine with that but left it open without saying that it was definitely what we should do.
(Let me back up a bit by saying that while I like SIL, she and I are also rather different people. I know I can’t say this without coming off as snarky, but she’s into stuff like Disney vacations, chain restaurants and Pampered Chef. OK, I know there are lots of people who like those things, but they’re really not my thing, and likewise for most of my friends. I would say that SIL is a suburb girl and my friends and I are more city girls. Maid/Matron of Honor is much more in tune with the things that I like.)
Meanwhile, after talking about the shower that SIL and I were at together (which was really great), my ‘maids started e-mailing back and forth about my shower (I wasn’t included in the e-mails). Maid/Matron of Honor started doing a lot of research into local places we could consider for the shower — restaurants, tea rooms, even sporting events (I used to be a sports editor). And that’s where the drama started.
I don’t know the details, but I know one thing SIL suggested was one of those make-your-own pottery places. Again, not really my thing, not something my friends are into, so (thankfully) Maid/Matron of Honor put the kibosh on that. So there was more back and forth (again, I wasn’t in on it), and Maid/Matron of Honor started letting me in on some of the "drama" that was happening. (She wasn’t trying to get me involved, but she just wanted to make sure that she was doing right by me — and she definitely was.)
In the meantime, after Maid/Matron of Honor sent her list of potential locations to the ‘maids, she comes to find out that SIL was already in negotiations to reserve a room for a brunch at a local restaurant. She didn’t ask anyone else, she just did it. I wasn’t against the restaurant per se but I was a little miffed that Maid/Matron of Honor had done all this research and (1) SIL flat-out ignored it, and (2) SIL took it on herself to start booking something without asking first, especially in light of the fact that Maid/Matron of Honor is paying for most of this herself.
I don’t know what’s happened in the meantime, but now apparently SIL is saying she wants to have the shower at her house instead. While I was OK with brunch at the restaurant, I *do not* want to have the shower at her house. It’s a good 45 minutes for me to get there, 90 minutes for Maid/Matron of Honor, and at least an hour for the rest of my friends. Beyond that, her house isn’t great for large groups. It’s convenient for nobody but her. (This is why Maid/Matron of Honor did not offer to have it at her place, because it’s not in a central location for everyone, and she doesn’t have much room.)
SIL does not know that I am aware of any of these conversations, nor has she checked in with me to say "this is what I’m thinking, is that OK?" It seems apparent she’s going to just do what she wants without regard for anything Maid/Matron of Honor says. However, I think if I tell her "this is what I DON’T want," I stand a much better chance of getting through.
The issue is that I’m not sure how to bring this up to her without making it look like Maid/Matron of Honor put me up to it, or that Maid/Matron of Honor is just trying to get her way (which isn’t the case AT ALL). Like I said, she doesn’t know I’m aware of any of this. And I need to cool down a little bit because right now I’m ready to wring SIL’s neck. I don’t want to try to have a conversation without taking a level-headed approach. (SIL has told me about past drama she’s been involved with around other family weddings, and while I used to think it was the other parties involved, it’s starting to become clear to me that wasn’t necessarily the case.)
I’m supposed to see her at a family function this weekend. Is there a good, tactful way for me to bring this up? If so, how can I best handle the conversation and tell her that I really, really don’t want the shower at her house???