(Closed) Staring a ‘2nd’ Family

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If it were me, I would wait until I was 35/36 and give myself a couple years to have without a kid. Travel, pursue a dream – have the time to yourself that you didn’t get to have because you were a mom so young. I think a year or two of that would do wonders – and you’ll still be able to have a kid before the risk really goes up! I probably won’t be having a kid until i’m between 32-35, too – just too much you can’t do with a baby around!

Post # 4
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t really have advice, but my Fiance has a similar situation in his family.  His mom had his brother when she was 15, and then him when she was 17.  She and FI’s dad divorced shortly after and she met FI’s now step-father who also had two kids. Eventually, they decided to have one of their own and had a little girl.  FI is 23 and his sister is 7.  There’s a huge age difference between the two, but Fiance loves her just the same.  It’s actually really sweet, because he’s super protective of her.  If you’re worried about your son and the new baby never being able to bond, don’t be.  It’ll be a different dynamic then if they were only a couple years apart, but they’ll still have a relationship.

crayfish made a good point – if you don’t absolutely have to decide right away, give it a year after your son goes to college to see how it feels.  If you decide something is missing in your life, go for it!

It’s completely your decision on whether or not you want to have another child.  If you don’t, you can have the freedom to do whatever you please (like you said).  If you do, you’ll have another 18 years of parenting ahead of you.  Do what you think is right for you!

 

Post # 5
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Hmm. Here’s just a perspective from someone who’s in a situation very similar to your son.

My mom has been with my stepdad since I was 6, and he is my “dad” (I don’t speak to my biological father). They got married when I was 9, and began having children shortly after. Now, My siblings are 9, 7, and 3. It’s actually the 7-year-old’s birthday today! I should call her, lol.

I’m 19 and off at college. I definitely feel as if they’ve created a “second family,” and I don’t know exactly where I fit into that. I don’t hold any grudges against them whatsoever, but it’s strange to be in a sort of in-between phase where I’m not a kid, but I’m not really on the “parent” level either. My mom will often say things like “all three of the kids,” unintentionally excluding me. It’s kind of rough because even though I know she doesn’t mean it, I feel like I’m not necessarily part of that family anymore.

It’s not really a bad thing; I’ve always been extremely independant. I love my family and I’m genuinely happy that they’ve had children that they could raise together, but an age gap that big can definitely make your oldest child feel a little displaced.

I’m not trying to discourage you from having another child- but if you do, please make a concious effort to make sure your son feels like he still belongs.

 

Post # 6
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that is such a personal decision and it depends on lots of things, so it’s always good to weigh all the sides and possibilities.

Your son will be away at school, but will be back again, and maybe for a few years after he graduates. That seems to happen more and more these days, so be prepared.

You’ll both be quite a bit older when the next group graduates. My brother is 61 and has a 17, 25 and 26 year old, and he keeps saying that the youngest is ‘killing him’ and that he’ll never be able to retire. All the fathers on the football field are 20 years younger, and they think he’s my nephew’s Grandfather. He’s in fabulous shape and looks much younger (to us), but not to all the friends of his son. It really bothers him, so is also something to consider.

I’d also take your son’s thoughts into consideration, tho he won’t be around much once at school.

Good luck with deciding what to do!

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