(Closed) Staring to second guess the engagement 10 months in… or not? Confused.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hmm. Honestly, you sound pretty normal to me. I went through the same thing with my husband. About two months into our engagement I suddenly thought “oh man. I’m going to have to deal with _______ from now until the end of forever.” But when you say to someone, “you know, you do x, y, and z and it drives me up the fricken wall….but I love you so much anyway for who you are”, I think that’s what real love is. From what you’ve written, it sounds like that’s what you’re doing.

As for single life….eah. Personally, I’m over it. I think what you’d do to stop the what if feelings since you don’t want to leave your Fiance would be to acknowledge them, which is what you’re doing. Other than that…I think it will just take time.

Post # 4
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it depends. Sometimes I feel the same way and all these little things bother me. But it’s not every day, and then it fades back to me loving things about my Fiance. It’s natural to have doubts and think about all the little things. I am not the type that thinks that “you’ll just know” and have no doubts. It’s a big decsion and it’s good that you’re thinking hard about it. You just have to figure out if those doubts and little things are really getting to you, or if it’s something that will fade away.

Post # 5
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

Well, I am not engaged yet so I can’t really comment on the ‘cold feet’ aspect of your post… However, I do want to say that I don’t think you are missing out on a lot by being in a relationship.

Before I met SO I was single for several years, except for a few shorter relationships. And I can tell you from experience that being in a committed, stable relationship with a man you love is so much better than being single. First of all because great guys are hard to find, and believe me when I say I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince. A lot of guys in their early 20s are very immature and are only after sex, and I hope you know how lucky you are to have a SO who’s not like that.

I honestly think it would be a big mistake to leave your FI only because you want to see if there is something better out there. Quite frankly I think you’d be up for a bit of a disappointment. The grass really isn’t greener on the other side.

I hope I don’t come across as judgemental.. just speaking from experience here

πŸ™‚

Post # 6
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It happened to me too as we got closer to the wedding, i was harping on all those little things that aggravate me. You know what got me over it I thought about well i could always leave and it hurt so much to think of not having him there, that i just stopped noticing all that small stuff. Just think if he wasn’t there it’ll put stuff inperspective.

Post # 7
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i think alot of people think like you do – we get so excited when we get engaged and live off that happiness for a while and once the excitement fades you start thinking about the reality of the situation.

I dont know how you are supposed to know when its the right person – but for me i just knew, it was like a gut instinct or something, 3 months into our relationship i was like “this is the man i will marry” and i dont know it just seemed so right and i’ve never questioned it.

You know, its ok to tell him about some of the habits that annoy you. like Fiance will go and get ice out of the freezer and drop one on the ground and leave it – i figured this one out early on. he was like “what? it will melt and evaporate” and all i had to say was “this will not be happening when we live together, pick it up and throw it in the sink it can melt there, i keep walking in it and my socks are wet!” and he picks it up now πŸ™‚

there are more things that annoy me, and i can think of a few things that i do that annoy him too but you have to be ok talking about it – i would much rather him say “gosh G that is really annoying, can you pleas stop leaving your clothes on the bathroom floor” than to get so annoyed with me that it makes him frustrated.

Good Luck in figuring it out but i think it all seems kind of normal.

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Same thing here and I posted it on here too.  I thought I should run! It was pretty bad. However, I stuck through it. The week Darling Husband and I got married, all those feelings went away and just like prior to wedding planning none of those things that started bothering me close to the wedding have even come into my head since we got married.

Post # 9
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think cold feet is normal, but I would ask – are you spending more time fixating on these annoying habits or enjoying the happy times?  Do you find yourself complaining about him all the time to your close friends? 

There will always be minor aggravations, but when the bad outweighs the good, I would seriously start to consider why you’re in this relationship. 

 

Post # 10
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was in a relationship in my early 20’s(awesome guy) and it sounds pretty close to what you have explained. Except, I told him to get out!! For several years I was single and it was HORRIBLE!! I think that was the worst thing I could have done!!! There is this thing called the 80/20 rule. Giving up 80% of what you have in the person for that 20% you think you are missing. The best advice I can give you is….DON’T DO IT!! You will end up regretting it.

Post # 11
Member
3012 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I do admit that I have been noticing J’s flaws a lot more recently, but I don’t love him any less.  No one is perfect and I’m sure he notices my flaws.  It’s a lot to take in right now, but don’t worry about it too much.  I’m sure everything will work out in the end. πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@missjordan: first off, we’re date twins! πŸ™‚ secondly, holy cow i totally know what you’re going through! i’m noticing that i have been feeling the same way lately. ie, “am i really going to have to tell you to stop chewing that way (to close the cupboards, to put the seat down, to please for the love of god do X,Y, or Z etc) for the rest of our lives?” these stupid issues have been driving me up the wall and at first it made me really nervous… but then i really started to analyze the situation. there ARE times when i’m happy with him. if there weren’t, then i’d be concerned. think of it this way: nobody is perfect. every single guy is going to annoy you in SOME way. it’s almost like you have to find the one who is least annoying (hahaha! kidding) πŸ™‚ good luck! PM me if you want to vent! 

Post # 13
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am 25 and fiance is 28, but we’ve been together since I turned 21. I feel like I missed out some typical 20’s adventures…bar hopping, living the single life, dating around. But I love my fiance, and I know in 30 years I won’t care that I didn’t date a lot. I was so sure I wanted to marry him, the engagement made me look at him differently. I love him, I want to marry him no doubt in my mind but sometimes thoughts pop up like that.

I think we’re normal πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

I think there is a difference between: being annoyed by certain flaws but understanding that they’re part of the person you love, and actively feeling like it’s going to drive you crazy if he can’t stop doing them. There may be some things he can change if you talk to him about it, but others won’t. For example, if my husband told me I had to stop cracking my knuckles, there’s no way I could do it! It’s something I can’t really control. But if he asked me to do more chores around the house, I would try my best to do so.

I think the key is that if you’re going to marry him, you have to be able to live with the things that annoy you, as there’s a good chance he won’t change. Some of the things you listed are things that he actually can’t change, like being socially awkward at times, or the sound of his voice. Those thing are HIM. So if can’t become more accepting of his flaws along with the good things, maybe it is worth re-thinking a bit.

But, if the real issue is that you’re becoming extra sensitive to these things because you’re afraid of missing out on the single life (not the opposite), I would say don’t worry about that. Finding the right guy is way better!

Post # 15
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think a lot of people experience this. I’m 20 and my Fiance is 21, I will be 21 and he will be 22 when we get married. I’ve known him since I was 14 years old and we started dating when I was 16 and he was 17. When we first got engaged I was 19 years old and I was like “ohhh boy I’m 19 and engaged what is everyone going to think” and then it got to “ohh boyy do I really know for sure that I want this, this and that” but in the end I can’t picture my life without my Fiance.

When it comes to the bad habits it made me laugh.. my Fiance HATES how I chew with my mouth open (which I don’t realize when I’m doing it), sing along with commercial (oops lol) and a bunch of other stuff, but on the other hand I hate how he leaves things out, doesn’t close the cabinet doors, etc. etc. In the end that is part of the reason we love each other!

Try not to stress over it too much! If it drives you crazy to the point you can’t stand it anymore just throw hints at him or just tell him!

Post # 16
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Fiance does thing that make me think “Am I going to be raising a child or will I have a husband?” Lol. Of course, I’m realistic and I know I have certain traits that make him think the same thing! Also, we currently only see one another on the weekends. When I’m home through the week, I miss having to put the toilet seat down and pick up his glass and plate from the coffee table and put his dirty laundry IN the hamper-which happens to be right NEXT to it!

I learned with my previous relationship that I have little patience, and that’s key to a relationship. And love one anothers flaws! 

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