Post # 1
I accidentally closed the last thread I made, but I’m still interested in hearing more opinions so I’m reposting it (there doesnt seem to be a way to open up the old one to comments again)
Me (25) and my boyfriend (26) have been together for 2 years. We are moving in together next week (although I am wondering if this was the right decision after reading the whole ‘why buy the cow if the milk is free’ thing!) We have had a stable job/financial situation the whole time. We both know we want marriage and children, but he hasn’t ever specifically said he wants to marry me.
Recently the idea of marriage came up and his response was something like ‘we’re still quite far off of that’. At the time I was upset and I couldnt think of a good way to reply, so I didn’t.
I feel like after 2 years with someone surely you know if you want to be with them or not? I am terrified that I’m wasting my time with someone who might never feel that way about me …
I’ve decided I can’t wait longer than a year from now (so about a year of us living together), which will be 3 years total, for him to propose to me.
At our ages what do you think would be a reasonable timeline? Why? I’m interesting in everyones opinions!
Also should I tell him my timeline??
Post # 2
You should be honest with him about what you want and the timeline that you are looking at for marriage. There isn’t a rule about how many years you’ve been together and so on and so forth, it is about the two of your deciding together what is right for you. Ask him what “quite far off” means to him, and have a conversation about whether or not what you want is compatible.
Post # 3
Though there isn’t a hard rule on these things, I do think waiting longer then two years is not unreasonable. And, studies actually show that the longer you date someone before getting engaged the better your chances are of staying together. I was surely ready to marry my fiance at two years, but he needed more time. I didn’t give him a timeline or anything, I was just patient. And, then he purposed close to our 4 year anniversy.
I think a lot of guys might freak out if you give them a timeline, and is that really how you want to get engaged? I think it’s much better to just give him some time and let him come to it on his own. You have to just trust him.
Also, it would be helpful to live together for a little while to see if you’re really meant for each other. You sure learn a lot once you move in together.
Post # 4
There’s absolutely no right or wrong time to wait. Relationships develop at different paces, and that’s okay. Don’t get all freaked out from comparing yours to others’ around you. That said, HOWEVER, it is perfectly reasonable for you to have a little chat with him about how you are feeling and what you think your timeline should look like. Communication is key.
Post # 5
While I think proposal time lines differ for everyone, I will say that I think at your age, waiting a bit is smarter. You may very well know what you want in life, but for most people, a lot changes right before you hit 30. I know that for me and my friends, maturity and responsibly really shifted. And again, while just a generalization, men mature at a different rate. I am quite happy with the fact that I didn’t meet my SO until I was 31. I’m such a different person, and I’m truly prepared for this type of relationship.
Post # 6
as a bee who has been waiting forever, i think you should definitely have a chat before moving in together at least to just find out what he’s thinking and let him know your hopes. i think less than 4 years is reasonable, but each relationship is different!
Post # 7
Have an open and honest conversation about timelines before moving in. It’s better to be on the same page, and for him to know what you’re thinking.
Maybe ask him why he thinks marriage is far off? It could be for an easily fixable reason, i.e. he thinks you want a really expensive ring and wedding, and if you are willing to compromise on that, the timeline might get moved up 🙂
Post # 8
I started dating my boyfriend aged 25 and hope to be engaged by around age 30 & married aged 32 as I would like to have my first child early thirties. It’s a different for everyone though. If I had started dating the man I want to marry aged 30+ I would hope to get married sooner.
Post # 9
I would refuse to move in without a clear commitment to marriage and a future together.
Post # 10
I met my Fiance and started dating him at 23, moved in after 9 months together and we dated for almost exactly 3 years before he proposed when I was ~26 (I turned 26 a week after) and he was 30…so pretty similar to your age/timeline. I started getting anxious about a proposal around 2 years…making hints and what not. He never really gave me a timeline, and I was so distracted with work & closing on our first house at the time that I was totally not even thinking about marriage when he actually proposed. For us it was a good timeline–I never felt like he was leading me on, but we also knew each other very well. I think any timeline can be appropriate if you both are able to be comfortable and agree on it.
I’m a HUGE proponent of living together before you’re married as long as you don’t have religious reasons not to. The first year together is really tough…you learn so much about your SO..bad and good. That first year is make or break in my mind, and I don’t think you want to wait till you’re already married to find out. I just don’t believe in that buying the cow when the milk is free thing…it’s old fashioned.
Post # 11
I didn’t pick one because I think it’s so personal.. it depends 100% on your timeline. My BFF is 28, but doesn’t want to have kids or settle down in a traditional way (she wants to travel the world). In that case.. a proposal can wait.
I had another friend who wanted babies YESTERDAY. She was engaged less than a year after they started dating. (Actually, I have a few friends in this category who got engaged less than a year after dating now that I think about it.)
I personally started dating DH when I was 23. I told him from the start that he had 4 years. After that, no matter how much I loved him I’d have to move on. After 4 years he knows everything he needs to know about me and us so I’d have to take it as a signal it wasn’t going to happen and move on. I want babies and wanted to give myself enough time to find, date, and marry Mr Right if it wasn’t him.
I didn’t feel it was an ultimatum… I felt it was simply explaining my wants and needs. The same way people explain that they want kids (or not), if they want to ever get married, if they want to ever settle down, if they plan on moving to Japan permanently, etc… If we had met when I was 24-25 I’d probably have said the same thing but with a 2-3 year cap rather than a 4 year one.
Post # 12
2 years is enough to know typically at your age imo. I would maintain a separate residence until he was sure I was the one. Otherwise you run the risk of eternally waiting/hoping and may not happen! Sometimes couple move in for convenience rather than intent to further the relationship to marriage. You already know what you want, find out what he wants.
Post # 13
The big step you’re about to take is a good opportunity to bring up the conversation. I agree with other bees that you need to tell him how you feel. Wouldn’t be fair to him to set a timeline for yourself that he isn’t aware of. After living together, you’ll both get some solid insights into how your future together would look.
Post # 14
I started dating my SO at 17 and waited 8 years for the proposal. Which is fine by me as we’ll be 26 when we get married and will have been together 9 years. We’re old souls though and are ready for marriage and kids already but that’s us.
If I met someone right now and started over… hmmmm… I’d probably not want to wait more than 3 years or so. But I think it’s only right that you make your timeline known to him. Puts the ball in his court a bit and he can NEVER play the ‘I didn’t know’ card. It’s just as much about when you’re ready as when he is.
I lived with my SO almost 2 years before he proposed (this April) and he told me after he proposed that moving in with me SPED UP his proposal cos it confirmed I was the right one and that he’d be silly to wait for the sake of being perceived as ‘too young’ or whatever reasons you wouldn’t normally get engaged at 25 – as I said before though, different for us because been together since HS and we knew we’d get married even back then to be honest (at least I did hehe).
Use living together as the final test for both you and him. 🙂