(Closed) Starting to panic. Ever have any doubts?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’ve always thought having a child together is a much bigger commitment than marriage. You can get married m and divorced and never see each other again which is not possible if you have a child together. Once you have a child together they are in your ice forever. You have already made the commitment to your fiancé in the biggest way possible. Enjoy wedding planning. It will be the best day of your life xx

Post # 3
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your post is conflicting.  You say you “KNOW” he is who you want to spend your life with and yet you also say you are having major doubts.  I think marriage in and of itself is overwhelming because it is a commitment.  It definitely hit me during engagement just how big of a commitment it is.  Like the previous poster said though, you already have a lifetime commitment together, your child.

I feel like you need to do some soul-searching.  Is this truly what you want?  If you truly were happy and you truly knew you wanted to spend your life with him I don’t think you would feel quite so overwhelmed about this.  Some doubts are normal, but wanting to push back the wedding by a year or two?  That doesn’t sound normal to me.

Post # 4
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure

If you feel better about pushing back the wedding for another year, why not?! Are you really set on a December wedding, or would you consider a May wedding or something? The actual date could change if it makes you feel better. But the underlying issue is, what is causing you to feel so scared. Is it just the wedding part of being in front if all those people? Is it the “forever” part and your freedom is “over”? You have to figure out what’s causing the emotions you’re having. If it’s the wedding part, maybe consider a small intimate wedding or a destination wedding with close friends and family. If it’s the forever thing, think about why it scares you so much. If he is who you want to wake up to and see playing with your daughter every day, then try to calm down. Find someone who you can talk to. It could just be the pre-wedding jitters. 

Post # 5
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Friendship Plaza

I get your panic. If it’s anything like what I feel sometimes, I just get really wigged out about the idea of permanent things. Whenever I feel locked into something, I get a little bit of the claustrophobic nerve-firings.

You can be completely committed and in love and ready for the future and still have those WHOA THAT’S MY WHOLE LIFE wow-moments. If you’ve done your soul-searching and are -there-, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.. as long as those jitters aren’t born out of something that is really gnawing at you for a reason, those feelings can be normal, as long as they’re occasional and fleeting.

I distinctly remember being 8 years old and panicking over the idea that I only had seventy or so years of life, and that every year I would get older and older and there was no turning back and oh my god it wouldn’t be long til I was 20, 30, 40, and I could never press pause or live another life. It’s kind of like that. I was a weird kid, and am a weird adult ;). I look at those weird moments and analyze them to make sure they’re not meaningful or worth considering before I put them in a box and seal them weird ok-that’s-just-my-weirdness tape.

So analyze it as much as you need, and either do something with what you come up with, or put it in your box and seal it up. Like PP has said, you have a child together, and so your lives are inevitably involved for the next twenty years or so.

Post # 6
Member
9080 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
imthatbee:  You sound so much like me. I was not much for relationships either. I loved being single and dating around. To be honest, I had doubts about getting married. I wasn’t sure that I could be faithful to one person for the rest of my life, and I couldn’t believe that someone would be happy with just me for the rest of their life. So I doubted both of us. The thing that gave me comfort and made me decide it was worth the risk was that our relationship was so easy and peaceful. Yes, we loved each other, but that’s a given, right? Lots of people love each other and end up divorced. But I looked beyond the love and recognized that we respected each other. We spoke to each other honestly and kindly. When we disagreed, it led to interesting conversations, not arguments. I never felt like I had to hide anything or pretend to act a certain way. I never wondered if someone or something else was more important than me. Being with him, and loving him and feeling loved by him was just easy. So I took that to mean that my doubts were probably due to insecurity, a lack of good marriage role models in my life, and a tendency to self-sabotage. I think I was right, because we’ve been married almost 20 years now and are just as happy and in love as the day we said I Do.

So my advice to you is to ask youself how is your relationship? I assume you love him. If you don’t love him, then this is all moot, but assuming you love him, put that aside for a minute and look at your behavior (inclusive “your” — yours and his both) How do you treat each other? Are your words and actions loving and respectful? If the feelings and behavior are both there, your marriage has as good a shot as any and I would chalk up the doubts as natural for such a big step, especially if you have a history of running away from good things in your life. But if the mutual respect is missing, if there’s dishonesty, frequent arguements, name-calling, put-downs, not feeling cherished, incompatible priorities — in other words, if the relationship is hard, then I’d give those doubts a lot more credence and would rethink the whole thing.

Best wishes, bee.

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