Post # 1
My Husband and I have only been married for 5 months and it seems like ever since this marriage began, I haven’t been happy and things could have been a lot better. I have been depressed for most of my life so I usually view things negatively. I have been worrying a lot lately and hoping that I didn’t make a mistake in marrying my Darling Husband. We haven’t been as connected in the past 5 months it seems. We got into a rut where all we do is sit on the couch and watch tv or movies together every night it seems and it’s boring. We have only been together about 2 years so I constantly wonder if we rushed into things when we got married. I really truly want this to work, but I’m so scared that it won’t work especially cuz I don’t really know if my Darling Husband is going to put in the right amount of effort to make it work. We have talked about this quite a bit before and he always says he will do everything he can to make it work between us, but he keeps messing up and upsetting me. I admit that I have a temper and I’m trying to control it better, but I do expect him to communicate well and keep me updated on how his day is going from time to time when we’re apart. I know he gets busy at work, but I don’t think a text every once in awhile is too much to ask. I don’t feel like we’re a team anymore and it really depresses me. Everyday I feel like isolating myself from him. I really don’t want to be around him much anymore. I don’t know if this is normal cuz we’re newlyweds or this is happening cuz I’m depressed. I’d appreciate your opinions. Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling this way. It’s like now the idea of being with him forever scares me and before I was ready to be with him forever. I did question if we should get married a few times when we were engaged as well, but I knew I really wanted to marry him. I have always been against the idea of divorce so I definitely don’t want to make that an option for us, but I don’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either.
Post # 3
Well, judging by how many posts I see on this site like this I’d say you’re not alone. But if you’re having nagging consistent worries about whether or not you’re a team or if you’re marriage was the right thing, then I strongly suggest getting into counseling.
But I’m a bit confused by some of your points….you say you’re in a rut because you just watch TV on the couch…what would you rather do? Have you tried planning events for you two? Tried to set up special date nights or activities with friends? Then you say he keeps messing it up–what is he messing up? Why is he upsetting you? Marriage requires you to both put in effort, not just waiting on him to do things so without more info it seems like you may be building up a fantasy of what married life is supposed to be and there is no way he can live up to that. Also, I do think asking for several texts while he’s at work is a bit much…unless you’re saying he’s like on a business trip for a week and won’t call you after 5, then I think you have to let that part go. Let him save all his work day stories for when he gets home, so that you two can talk on that couch instead of watching TV–it may make you both feel better.
I think it sounds like you don’t have insurmountable problems, so I wish you the best and hope you both take proactive steps (like counseling)
Post # 4
I wouldn’t say it is normal. However, it does happen so you aren’t alone.
From your language, you do seem depressed. Are you currently seeing someone for your depression? Are you on meds? Depression can make even the best of relationships seem bleak. The first move I would make is to get a handle on that. Then you can tackle your relationship.
Post # 5
We have been seeing a marriage therapist, but we haven’t been to the therapist for a few weeks cuz he recently changed jobs and we were waiting for the insurance cards to come in. I do think that we really need to go back cuz there’s a lot that needs to be discussed.
I would rather experience new things together as a couple, but we live in a boring city and we don’t have a lot of money so I’m always stumped for what to do. I have tried to research inexpensive date ideas many times online and I haven’t found much that we can do. I want my Husband to come up with more ideas, but he doesn’t participate and that bothers me. I am also always so exhausted which I think is due to my job and depression so I naturally just lay down on the couch when I get home from work even though I really don’t want to.
My Husband messes up a lot cuz he tends to act pretty inconsiderate of my feelings. I don’t expect to be texted all day when we’re both at work, but I just want to hear how his day is going and that he misses me. I need to be complimented sometimes and he doesn’t do that enough, yet when I say I’m depressed he always asks what he can do to help. I tell him that is what he can do, but he goes back to his routine of acting this way.
I’m too impatient to go all day without talking to him at all when I’m at work and we never go out with friends cuz we no longer have any friends. I really need girl friends, but I only have 1 girl friend really and she has a fiance and a child so she keeps busy most of the time.
I have never taken meds for my depression cuz I’m against meds. I’m mainly against them cuz they have so many horrible side effects and I am pretty sensitive to meds in general so I think meds would only make me worse. I think therapy helps a lot more than meds ever would.
Post # 6
It’s normal, but definitely not a fun place to be.
Any chance you started hormonal birth control when you got married? Just asking because I started a pill that wreaked havoc with my mood and caused us some relationship strife until I switched to a different pill and realized that was the issue.
I also think reading The 5 Love Languages might be helpful.
Post # 7
@ahavah: No, I have never been on birth control cuz of the side effects and I’m sensitive to meds. My Darling Husband and I used to use condoms, but he got a vasectomy so we don’t need to use anything now. We were never planning on having any children so this was the best option for us.
Post # 8
Sometimes, we do fall into a rut, honestly. We moved far away from my family & friends, and I have a hard time some days. We don’t fight (we’re pretty good about having open, honest discussions), but sometimes we just don’t do anything.
What’s worked for us, is setting a weekly “date night”. Every Thursday, no matter what, we drop off our 2 year old at his mom’s house, and go for a date. Even if it’s to a coffee shop, it’s something to look forward to. We usually get dressed up, even if it’s somewhere not so fancy, which adds to the fun. And we make sure to take pictures. It’s nice when we can get another local couple to go along with us.
Have you looked into groupon for ideas?
This one looks fun. I’m jealous you’re in Pittsburg, the town we’ve moved to doesn’t even have groupon & there’s not much to do here. We’ve already made our rounds at all the local restaurants on our weekly date nights, and we’ve only been here since January! lol
Also, you can get ideas on livingsocial.com or restaurant.com (restaurant.com almost always has coupons available, so don’t buy a “voucher” without searching for a coupon code first)
Post # 9
Ok, as gently as I can put this, a lot of what you are saying seems to be depression related. Pittsburgh is an awesome city with TONS to do that is not expensive, but you have to make the effort to get out there and do it.
Being too impatient to wait to talk to him all day doesn’t really seem like anything he is doing wrong if he is at work, it seems that you may need to focus on yourself and getting more hobbies or more things to focus on to branch out and meet new people.
Living Social has discounted stuff to do all the time, it is really about taking the initiative to do things. If he won’t, then you need to step up and be the one to do it. You have to own and try to change your situation to get different results.
Also, you should definitely see a counselor and possibly consider meds, there are many that have little to no side effects at a low dose and may really help you change your perspective.
Post # 10
@BusinessBride: I was going to say the same thing, Keep an eye out on living social, groupon, all of those kids of things. Festivals. Stuff like that. Its getting to be warm, go yard saleing. Just walk around the mall, you might find something to do there.
Fiance and I have been together for 7 years so I know the, sitting on the couch, same old same old. Can you have some couples dates? Like cook dinner for another couple and come over and play board games?
Post # 11
@2bMrsG: it sounds like you’re really struggling right now, I’m so sorry:( I agree with PP’s that you might want to consider seeing a therapist for your depression as well as keeping up with the marriage counselor. I think that letting a medical professional give their recommendations on medications would be something to at least entertain. I had a doctor once tell me that the negatives/side effects of the drugs wouldn’t even come close the the negatives/side effects of the illness… just something to keep in mind:) Hope things start looking up soon.
Post # 12
@BusinessBride: I don’t live there now, but I agree Pittsburgh has a lot to do, and most of it is fairly inexpensive!
There’s museums, plays, art galleries, parks now that it’s warmer, you can rent bikes downtown, and baseball is starting soon so you can go see the Pirates. I miss Pittsburgh 🙂
Ok, but more to the point, OP I agree that what MAY be happening is your depression coming back, and I would see a psychologist or psychiatrist to look into that (if you aren’t already). Maybe before the wedding you were distracted by that but now that it’s over you’re feeling down. But if you are depressed, then it colors how you see everything, including your marriage. Trust me, I’ve been in that place where I think my life sucks and it’s never going to get better but really that’s just the depression talking. Good luck.
Post # 13
I think that texting “every once in a while” for a married couple is too much to ask especially if you mean daily. If by chance you mean not every day but once, twice a week- that seems more reasonable. But to “keep in touch” during the daily grind- to me, is excessive.
Perhpas you could show him how serious you are about working on that temper? Get into anger management/ seek out counselling.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond. I kinda figured that most of it was my depression and I am trying, but it’s really hard. I feel like nothing is interesting to me anymore or very fun. Even on the occasion that my Darling Husband and I do go out, I don’t feel like I have too much fun. I can’t see the point to anything really since we’re all going to die someday.
Post # 15
One of the downsides to the wedding furor that has been sweeping our culture in recent years — with numerous wedding websites and wedding-related TV shows, etc. — is that it really DOES help to set many women up to feel some disappointment in the reality of their lives after the wedding.
What you are experiencing is quite normal, although not everyone experiences it. There really ARE some couples who are just amazingly happy almost of the time, and they really cannot understand what you’re experiencing or why. Others of us can relate at least somewhat to what you are describing, because we’ve experienced what happens when some of our expectations, hopes and dreams collide with the reality of being married to another person whose own hopes, dreams and expectations do not always align with ours. For someone like you, who describes yourself as tending to be depressed and often feeling negative, these circumstances are only going to mangify those feelings of disappointment.
The many months leading up to a wedding are quite stressful, and the first year or so of marriage — when you are just beginning to try to merge two lives into one — can be extremely difficult, even under the very best of conditions. (I know. Although Darling Husband and I were both in our 40s, I had never been married, and he had been married for many years and had four children. I lived near a big city in another state, and I had to experience SO much transition to finally be with him full time. Struggling to work a full time job — three days a week from my former city, two by teleworking from my new home; being able to only spend long weekends with him for almost the first full year of our marriage; dealing with the pressure and stress of selling my house in a bad real-estate market; eventually having to quit my job and move to a small town in a rural area; learning to become a stepmother; and tyring to find ANY time to be with a husband who works every weekend, were things that were VERY difficult for me.)
The good news is that what you and your Darling Husband are experiencing does NOT mean that you made a mistake. There is probably not a man alive on this planet whom you could have married who would have met all of your expectations. This is not a knock at you personally. It’s true for any of us.
Marriage forces us to begin to deal with some of our own “stuff” that we would not ever have had to face, if we had remained single. It is far easier to be happy, when we only have to agree with ourselves about how we will spend our time, energy and money. When we have to come into agreement with another person, this is not often easy. Marriage absolutely requires change and compromise. Each person must surrender some of his or her own agenda to be with the other person. However, there is great joy that comes from working together to resolve issues and to build a new life together!
Please PM me if you would like to “chat” more. 🙂
Post # 16
I understand your feelings about meds, but i still think it wouldn’t hurt to talk about your options. Maybe you can call your therapist and see if they can recommend a good pyschiatrist so you can be evaluated at the very least. I have been battling depression for the better part of a year, and while I didn’t give 2 hoots about anyone else, I was always glad that my hubs was around.
Trust me, I know how you feel. Do you have any pets? I found that my pets really helped me get my ass out of bed and doing things, since I had to still take care of them. And you know what…you might have to fake it til you make it. What I mean by that is, you might have to pretend you are having fun doing things even if you aren’t, and then you will actually start to have fun.
I know meds really helped me, and I’m hoping that i can soon get off of them. Mine was coupled with an injury, so its been hard getting back on my feet. PM if you ever want to chat. I also agree with the others about Living Social, Groupon, Eversave. You can also do meetup.com to find couple to hang out with. I would do some research into what you can do in Philly, or maybe make a post on here about what is good and cheap to do around there. I know we have a good amount of bees around that area ((HUGS))
As far as your dh and the whole texting during the day thing…can you text him?? My husband is a mechanic, so he doesn’t always have his phone on him, but we try to either talk or at least text once a day during the day, just to check in. Maybe sending him something simple like “hope you are having a good day sweetie” will make your day brighter. Sometimes with our men, you have to show them the way you need to be comforted and taken care of