Starting to Resent Boyfriend for No Proposal

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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ifitsworthsavingme :  Can you expand on the conversation you had in bed? He said “This is why I didn’t propose” what did you “do” to make him say that? 

It sounds like he’s full of excuses, someone else will always be getting engaged or married, unfortunately people pass away, shit happens, life happens- there is no perfect time and I think he’s just using that as an excuse because he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry bee.

Post # 3
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

Ultimately if he’s admitted that it’s not remotely on his radar, despite you being in a fine position to get engaged and married and him knowing how important it is to you, that says something unfortunately.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds very hurtful and emotionally draining, especially as years ago he out right said he would happily have proposed way back then.

I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling like you might want to leave. If marriage is important to you but not to him then that’s a key value you’re not on the same page about. The least he can do is give a straight answer about if he will ever want to get married to you, so you can make your decision x 

Post # 4
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

You should have already walked :/

He’s been stringing you along and telling you lies the whole time. He knows he doesn’t want to get married. He knows that other people getting engaged “when he was going to ask you” isn’t why he hasn’t. He knows he has no plans to ask you. He told you himself that he doesn’t plan to “for a long time” and you both know that means never. He doesn’t plan to marry you. He doesn’t want to marry you. Who knows why and honestly who cares? If his friends and family are always asking about it then you obviously aren’t a terrible person. It’s not about you being good enough for him. It sounds like he isn’t good enough for you. Learn to live without marriage and with a person who is ok lying to you about something so important or get out now before you waste any more precious time on someone who will never give you what he said he would and what you made clear you needed. 

Post # 5
Member
7065 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

He isn’t planning to marry you (at least not any time soon). He has told you that- many times and in many ways. Who cares why? Why waste your time trying to pick it apart and figure him out? Go find someone else and start living your life on your terms. You want to be married- go find someone who wants that too. You want to be with him- come to terms with doing it without marriage.

Post # 6
Member
3239 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

“I’m thinking about just setting a date in my head to have a proposal by and if it hasn’t happened by then, I walk.”

What’s actually the point in that though? You already said that if he proposes at this point you’ll question whether he really means it or is just shutting you up, and it sounds like you have built up so much (completely valid) resentment that you won’t find much joy in getting engaged anyways. 

I get that it’s hard and that after so much time it might feel unceremonious to just decide you’re done and walk, and like maybe you owe it to yourself or to him to “give him the chance” to prove you wrong, but is there actually any real value in sticking around until some arbitrary date? It’s been 6 years, 4 years of talking about marriage, and he’s shown you over and over and over again that you are not a priority and he does not want to marry you. What is a month or two months or six months going to change?

And if you tell him your walk date, what good is that? Even if he does propose all that tells you is that he respects you so little that it took threatening to leave entirely to get him to act. It means he wants to keep you around because you benefit him in some way, but he doesn’t care enough about you to make you his wife, and was only prodded into action by the threat of losing those benefits.

If you feel like you have to justify leaving by choosing a walk date ahead of time, believe me when I say you don’t. You don’t owe him any more time. You owe yourself the chance to find someone who will value you the way you deserve, and to spend time loving yourself and putting yourself first in the meantime. 

His excuses are absurd (I was gonna ask but then so and so got engaged…? ok..? What does that have to do with you???). And telling you that he hasn’t proposed because of such and such thing that is apparently wrong with YOU? Totally uncool. If there is something about you that is so unbearable that he refuses to marry you, he shouldn’t be in a relationship with you in the first place, or he should be working with you to grow and learn and become better people TOGETHER.

Post # 7
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You’ve been together for 6 years and he’s still saying “if” you guys get married?

 

You can have a walk date, but I don’t think you can logically expect him to meet it since he already told you he’s not even sure he’s going to propose, and if he does, it won’t be anytime soon.

 

I think you should walk now.

 

Post # 8
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

Comment moderated for TOS violation 

Post # 9
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

His excuses are all over the place.

Set the walk date if only to give yourself time to get your ducks in a row so that you really can walk when the day comes and he hasn’t proposed. 

Post # 10
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

he told you exactly who he is, believe him

Post # 11
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know how much clearer he needs to be for you to accept that he has no interest in proposing or marrying you.  I’m sorry that’s hurtful for you, but don’t waste MORE time waiting and waiting.  The sooner you free yourself from this guy, the sooner you can meet someone who would be happy and excited to marry you.  The only thing you will gain by waiting some more is increasing resentment.  Just because you spent 6 years with him is no reason not to leave him.  Don’t throw more years of your life away.

Post # 12
Member
3043 posts
Sugar bee

Bee you are enough. This has nothing to do with you. You have told him multiple times what you expect and now the ball is in his court. With that being said this guy needs to grow a pair and just tell you he doesn’t want to marry you. 

6 years is a long time to be together. He should know by now if you are his forever partner. And it doesn’t like he’s against marriage. Judging by the fact he says “when I get married” and things like that. He just can’t decide if you are the one he wants to marry. After talking about an engagement for 4 years, he should know. 

You deserve to be with someone who knows they want to marry you and make actions to make that happen.

Post # 14
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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ifitsworthsavingme :  Then I think you know what you need to do. Giving him an ultimatum would be pointless.

Post # 15
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee

Your boyfriend is a d*ck, I’m sorry, to be blunt but you should 100% leave him, not just because he doesn’t want to get married, but because he’s not a nice guy.

He knows you want to get married and has done for years and instead of having some balls and saying he doesn’t want to he strings you along and uses it to make you feel like you’re not good enough with comments like “this is why I haven’t proposed”. He’s even told you to leave if you can’t “wait”. He’s literally telling you he doesn’t think highly enough of you to make you his wife and if you can’t wait around for him to figure out if he ever will then you should just leave. 

You should follow his advice and leave because even if he does propose you deserve someone better than this. 

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