Post # 1
Ok, let me start this by saying that I knew all of these could happen before we got married. So, we have been married 5 months and there are a few things that are making everything harder than they have to be.
First off, I can’t sleep. He stays up late, comes to bed and wakes me up. Snores and wakes me up. Cusses me out if I ask him to turn over. I have actually started leaving our bedroom about 5 nights a week to sleep in the guest room because I can’t handle it. I never dreamed I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same room as my new husband.
Second of all, he does NOTHING except mow the lawn. I do the dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning. Hell, he doesn’t even answer his phone so his family calls me and I have to deal with all of that. I keep thinking he will offer to help with the dishes or at least put his laundry in the hamper, but I get nothing.
I need to figure out how to not resent him for all this and make it OK to live this way. He’s going to go on snoring forever. He isn’t going to suddenly want to help with the house. I CAN’T live every day with resentment.
Post # 3
He cusses you out? Seriously?
I’m no expert, but I’d consider some counseling. Everyone can benefit from a little counseling, and I’m willing to bet you’ll both be able to express what’s going on in your marriage. This is a growing time, but it should be a happy time! Good luck.
Post # 4
@Purple Nurse: GO ON STRIKE!
It will be tough because you will have to move around and deal with his nasty mess. Only cook for yourself, only clean for yourself, and only do your dishes. Show him all that you do for him. You can’t get mad during this process though. YOu have to just play happy and content until he gives in.
Don’t just deal with this. It’s not fair and as women we don’t need to do everything and make everyone happy. YOu need to be appreciated and he needs a wake up call. He’s taking you for granted and that stinks.
Post # 5
Tell him! I would just let him know that you are not going to be a doormat and live like that the rest of your life! Leave stuff for him to do. You should not have to try to make it “ok” to live that way. You definitely can’t just wait for an offer with some people. You are just going to have to tell him how it is. If you keep letting him run over you it will just get worse, trust me!!! Good luck chica!!
Post # 6
*hugs* im sorry hon, what was he doing before you married? i didnt live with my husband before we married and we have very tradtional roles (he takes out the garbage and THATS IT) but we both agreed to this before hand.
for the snoring – my hubby use to snore but then he lost about 40lbs and wow, HUGE difference, he only snores now if he has full cream products so hes on soy milk/icecream
does he realize there is a problem and you are unhappy??
Post # 7
(((HUGS)) i woudl def talk to him…..maybe he is feelign the same way you are>>> or maybe he doesnt know that there is an issue….you have to be able to communicate.
if you have a hard time talking to him then maybe write him a letter and read it to him….i do that sometime to my Fiance so that i can make sure that i get everything out that i need to say.
at any rate marriage is alot of work….the first year of adjusting to things is the hardest.
ill keep you guys in prayer.
Post # 8
The snoring thing is not something you have much control over, as he doesn’t either. You could get help with it if he at all needs to lose weight or has sleep apnea. My hubs has sleep apnea but refuses to have it treated so the best thing that works for us are the nasal strips. However he shouldn’t be cussing you out. Does he realize he is doing it? I work nights and I know I’ve said some mean things when hubs has tried to wake me up when I was in a deep sleep. It by no means excuses it so please no one jump on me. As far as household things and communication I would sit him down and talk to him. Yes counseling is always an option and beneficial but have you even tried to talk to him about this? I had to finally sit my guy down when I felt overwhelmed with housework and work out a schedule/list of things I would like help with. Yes at first I was prideful and felt I shouldn’t have to do this, he should know but honestly he really didn’t know everything I did and how much work it was until I made him do it all one day. Now he does things without even me having to ask and more. It was a godsend for us.
Post # 9
I need to figure out how to not resent him for all this and make it OK to live this way.
Ummmm….no! You need to have a conversation with him about it!
I mean, some men are a bit clueless in the housework department so hopefully if you speak to him about it he will make more of an effort. The cussing you out is unacceptable, and I can’t believe it doesn’t bother him that you sleep apart most of the time.
I think he’s the one who needs to make some changes, not you!
Post # 10
This reminds me of that scene in the movie “The Breakup” where Jennifer Aniston is complaining that Vince Vaughns character didn’t help her with the dishes. And she yells something to the effect of “I want you to WANT to do the dishes without me having to ask you!” and he replies “why would I ever WANT to do the dishes??”
I think as women, we just expect that our men will value the cleanliness of our home as much as we do, and unfortunately, most men don’t. Unless they HAVE to do the dishes (and another house work) they won’t.
When I got together with my SO I knew he wasn’t the cleanest of guys. When he grew up, his mom did pretty much everything, and his only responsibility was to mow the lawn and take out the trash. He admitted he would probably have to be nagged a little bit to be cleaner.. And he agreed if we had the money, we could get a house cleaner a 1-2 times per month.
We also agreed on making a list of weekly “to-dos” around the house, posting them on the fridge and divying out the chores so each person knows what they are responsible for. He doesn’t always do the best job, and still needs to be “reminded” to do his fair share, but it helps. Again, I still end up doing more than he does, but I just chalk it up to the fact that I care more about a clean, orderly home than he does, and that’s the way it is. At least he tries and at least he helps more this way.
It sounds like you guys just need to sit down and hash out what works for you.
And as far as your problems sleeping together, believe it or not, a lot of people have problems with this. I am an extremely light sleeper and every time my FH moves around in bed, it wakes me up. I have my own bed in another room, and I sleep there about half of the time, especially when I need a good night’s sleep. It’s not that I don’t love my man and don’t like sleeping with him, but in all honesty, I love sleep and can get pretty grouchy when I am sleep deprived. We cuddle in bed and he falls asleep and sometimes I’ll get up and go to my bed for the rest of the night. Again, you just need to do what works for YOU. Every couple is different.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry your ‘honeymoon season’ is turning out less-than-blissful thus far.
Perhaps some time, when the moment is not already tense (you’re not feeling too upset, he’s/you’re not currently doing any of these things that are causing tension), you could try to talk with him about what’s going on and how you’re feeling?
Writing is also a good suggestion – often works very well for me when I’m upset with Mr.
Maybe you’ve already done all of that and the issues are still stacking up – counseling may be a good option, just to help you two through the growing pains of your new marriage.
BEST of luck to you – sending good vibes and virtual hugs and prayers and all the like.
Post # 12
@prettiestpink: It’s good to know that I am not alone. It’s just that I am pissed by the time I get up and go to the other room. I try and wait it out, gently nudge him, see if I can fall back asleep, nudge him again and get cussed out. Then I leave. I think I just need to go to the other room earlier and before it gets ugly. Right now I can TOTALLY relate to the movie The Break Up and it scares the hell out of me at 5 months into our marriage.
@mwitter80: I have seriously thought of going on strike, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to not get pissed in the meantime. I have left dishes in the sink for a week and about gone crazy by the time he did them.
@eloping: We didn’t live together before we got married so I feel like I wasn’t completely aware of all that he was as a ‘roommate’. He could definetly stand to lose weight (so could I) and maybe that would help the snoring.
Thanks ladies, so much, for all the advice and kind words. The main thing I am hearing it “COMMUNICATION” and I know we need to work on it.
Post # 13
Talk to him! Tell him he must help around the house. Stop being his secretary. If talking to him doesn’t work, go on strike. If he is unwilling or unable to do anything about his snoring, move his things or your things into another room so you can go to sleep and stay asleep without being awakened.
Two case studies:
My dad is a horrible snorer and wakes my step mom up still after 40+ years of marriage. She is still a walking zombie and she still resents it. She wants to nap throughout the day to catch up on her sleep.
My best friend’s husband is a horrible snorer and he goes to bed late. He sleeps in the basement so that he does not disturb her. He knows she needs a good night’s sleep so she can go to work in the morning. They “rendezvous” every now and then in the bedroom, but then he goes back to the basement so she can sleep. I think on the weekends when she doesn’t have to work he may stay in the bedroom all night.
Post # 14
The first thing that stuck out to me is that he cusses you out! SERIOUSLY? This is not okay! I dont think its okay for anyone to talk to you that way, let alone your husband who is supposed to do nothing short of love and protect you. My husband snores sometimes too….so when he does I give him a little nudge, he shifts his sleeping position and then the rest of the night goes on blissfully.
Your situation does not sound very healthy at all, and a serious talk between that two of you is needed. You need to let him know what your expectations are of him and what you are willing to tolerate. Maybe seek out counseling to discuss the issues between the two of you.
Post # 15
I have read before that many couples sleep in separate rooms and its totally normal to have two master bedrooms set up. Does he wake you up because he is snoring or because he is loud and does not try to not disturb you when he gets in bed? If it is the latter, talk to him!! He should be more considerate if possible.
As for the house work, please to talk him also. Maybe you can agree on a divison of work around the house if you really hate to bear all the burden. I do just about all the in house work also, cook, clean, laundry (though I make him help fold)… He does yard work. At first I was like ALL you do is mow the lawn, help me out a little here!!!… but then he also ends up doing everything I dont want to – deal with catching critters, killing bugs, clean the toilet (the one indoor thing I hate), take out the trash, empty the sink strainer (I know it seems small, but I haaaate it so it goes a long way to me to not have to do it) and anything else I dont want to do so it ends up working out. I like the house clean, so i dont mind doing it. The cooking problem is one I’ve had to put up with though. He doesnt cook at all, and sometimes I really wish he would, esp the days where hes home at 6pm and I dont get home till 8pm and THEN have to cook for us or settle for a bowl of cereal.
Have you ever asked him to help out wiht a specific task? I never did and just took care of everything. He did do anything or offer. Then one day I finally lost it and blew up out of fustration, he was like, what do you want me to do?? Just ask. Want to create a schedule?? Cleaning schedules dont work for me so we didnt try it. But he will do things when I ask him to. All I needed to do was ask and give him a timeline to do it (next day or two).
Post # 16
that is seriously not a good start to married life. I hope you can put a stop to all that. I can understand the snoring, but to be so inconsiderate as to wake you up AND cuss you out, that is uncalled for. I would “accidently kick” him you know where when he’s asleep..jk.. I think he should get a lesson in consideration.