Post # 1
I have known for a long time that I could never have my dad at my wedding here is the backstory:
My Dad is a alcoholic and a drug addict, he was abusive when he was married to my mum and they seperated while I was young. Dad got better for a while and I got to know the real him, when I visited as a child, although every now and then he would slip back into old habbits.
When my Grandad died my dad pretty much went off the rails, he began drinking and taking drugs but worse was still to come. His name was all over the local papers when child pornography was found in his (and my Nans) house. He tells me it wasn’t him and that he was covering for friends (and family) and I want to believe him with all my heart but the fact of it was he pleaded and was found guilty in court and now im the girl with the peadophile dad.
As I write this I know it may seem completely insane that I still love this man as my Dad but I do. I can’t explain why but I just can’t turn my back on him.
Anyway due to all of the above I simply can not invite him to my wedding, my mum will be giving me away which is how it should be anyway as she raised me. But with 99days to go it is beginning to sink in that my dad won’t be there to see me marry and that fact is quite honestly breaking my heart.
I don’t know why I am posting really as I know you can not fix this situation but I had to get this off my chest as I can’t speak to anyone about it. Thanks for taking the time to read this. X
Post # 3
Many people have similar (if different) situations. You know what you need to do, you know logically what is right, but your heart still hurts.
Thats OK and don’t feel bad. We all have emotions and sometimes they arent rational. Just keep doing what’s right for you and your family.
Post # 4
if you want him there as a guest (not to give you away or even do father-daughter dance) then you should invite him as a guest. If it’s to protect your Mum, then talk it over with her.
At the very least, maybe you can arrange a special lunch with him and your new husband to celebrate or something?
Post # 5
I am sorry OP for such a situation that you are in. I can relate but won’t go into details. All I can say is it sucks and it hurts and I am sorry.
I agree that perhaps to ease any potential tension and keep the day focused on you it is best to not invite him, that is the option I am going with as well. However, I do agree with the PP that taking the time to celebrate with him one on one might ease some of the pain and dissapointment that you feel.
Best of luck to you and your day will be amazing no matter what!
Post # 6
Unfortunately, he made is choices, and now he has to live with them. Of course you’re always going to love him, he’s your father. But that doesn’t mean he should be a presence at your wedding, given the circumstances. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s incredibly unfair for someone to put their child through this.
Post # 7
@roberts2b: I could have written this!
I know exactly how you are feeling. I wish I could give you a hug and a chocolate bar.
I didn’t want to invite my father… I wanted to have a father I could invite.
I have one picture of my family from when I was little before my dad went completely off the deep end as an abusive alcoholic. I took it out and cried and cried… it was like mourning for a relative that had passed.
I’m sorry. I’m glad you have other people who love you and care for you that will be there.
Post # 8
he will always be your dad no matter what.. and you will always love him no matter what. We will not like our parents most of the time but we have unconditional love regardless. If you want to invite him, then I think you should.. Talk to your mom about it and see what she says. I agree that your mom giving you away makes a lot more sense but I do think that if you want to invite your dad to your wedding, then do so. Obviously, think about it more- but I always love following this advice ” Do something that your future you thanks your past you for “.
Whatever your descision is, Im sure itll be a good choice. Good luck
Post # 9
Also, this might not apply to you, but for me, making escort cards with my husband’s family’s name all over (he has a large family) and NO ONE with my last name (my mom remarried) was really really hard. So… if you think that might get to you I would recommend delegating that task.
I was worried that my new relatives would judge me for being from a “broken home” (they are a huge but extremely functional and close knit family). Of course no one did, but I was terrified that they would 🙁
Post # 10
I can sort of relate…happened to someone close to me. Everyone invited at the wedding wanted the bride’s dad to be there, even the dad himself wanted to be there. But under some circumstances he couldn’t. Someone else had to walk the bride down. We don’t really look at their wedding photos now as it brings back sad memories. Even till this day, the dad would trade everything in the world to be able to go if he has a second chance.
But things happend and life moves on. So you have to make a choice. Will your dad make a scene there? If he doesn’t walk you down the aisle and your mom does, and your dad is among the guests…will it ruin the whole wedding for the rest of your guests?
I know every bride wants the wedding to be perfect but your dad made a choice. I know it sucks but it’s something he has to pay for for the rest of his life given the circumstances.
Your wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Whatever you decide is your choice. If you do want your dad to be there, make sure to talk your mom through since she pretty much raised you herself. Make sure she understands.
Post # 11
Thank you all for your replies. Im surrounded by people who don’t really understand why I would want him there so it’s nice to get some understanding.
He won’t be attending the wedding. As hard as it is, he messed up big time and he has to deal with the consequences of that. Yeah it sucks that that means he can’t be there but there are lots of people who unlike him, have put me first in their lives, so I want to respect that and not make the day uncomfortable for any of them.
As for me wishing he was there, Im going to suggest we celebrate after the honeymoon as a way to ease that hurt as PP suggested. He is my dad and I do want him there but I want my other family members and friends there more!
Post # 12
@roberts2b: i think it’d be a great idea to make a scrapbook type thing of your wedding for him if he can’t be there and at the back of it tell him how much you love him and that it’s just a gesture to show how much you wanted him to be there 🙂
Post # 13
That’s a really lovely idea, I will do that. Thanks 🙂
Post # 14
I think it’s great that your are taking the wedding as an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate all the people who have been there for you through thick and thin throughout the years, and I think it’s a wise decision to leave ceelebrating with him to another time.
That being said, like PPs said, he’s your dad and you’re going to love him. You don’t have to mourn the father you didn’t have, you have one, your situation is just unique and as such you will have to celebrate in a different way. I think the scrapbook is a great idea, it’s a great jesture that will connect with him a lot. Hugs.