(Closed) Starting to wonder if we should have got engaged :-(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

I feel that he is putting himself in a situation that he is not quite ready for. Not all people go into pre-martial bliss during wedding planning, but your intuition to feel worried is correct.

I find it hard to continue a relationship when he’s already doubted that you were “the one”. Once they doubt that, I usually bow out.

I know you wrote that you didn’t want to read negative things, but I haven’t talked about my wedding for a year now since we got engaged. No one asks about it because I think they’ve all given up on me. I’ll probably be one of those “five-year engagement” gals. At first I was upset because we couldn’t plan, but it was more because of financial restraints. We want to be at our best when we marry.

So when someone asks us about it, I usually shrug and say, “Sometime next year.” Eventually, browsing for venues became more of a fun pasttime than a stressor.

Post # 4
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think pre-marital counseling would be a really good step for you two. I remember your post yesterday about your parents- no wonder you’re stressed out right now! 

But look at the title of your other posts: engagement blues, anxious, should I wait, etc. You’re expressing a lot of doubt, and if you feel he has doubt as well, it’s best to deal with it now.

Post # 6
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@mireisen:  I agree. He just does not sound that into it, and honey you deserve to be with someone who IS into it (and you). I also have concerns about his inability to communicate his emotions honestly, his use of anger instead of honest and helpful communication, his “bottling up”. It shouldn’t be, and needn’t be, so hard and exhausting. You should be able to be open, authentic, REAL with each other without any fear of not being supported, heard, loved, accepted.

I also find it sad he gets angry at suggestion of going to premarital counseling. Why would he not want to do everything possible to strengthen your relationship? What happens after marriage if there are issues and he refuses to go to counseling?

I know this may be hard to hear, but I just do not think he is 100% into this, and I don’t think you should settle for less than 100%.

Post # 7
47 posts

This reminds me a lot of how my ex boyfriend was. He would refuse to communicate with me about certain subjects. We were together for 3 years and I thought we would marry but I talked to a therapist about him and she said that in a healthy relationship you should feel comfortable in talking about almost anything and your partner and they should have the respect for your feeling to have a real discussion with you about what is concerning you. The lack of communication led to a bunch of other problems. I eventually realized that no matter how much time I had invested in the relationship, and how much I loved him that I could not put up with the frustration of not being able to communicate with someone fully for the rest of my life. I broke things off and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. And now I found someone who treats me so much better.

I am not sure how your Fiance reacts to other disagreements, but this is a huge red flag that he can not communicate with you about something that is supposed to be really exciting on both ends. Maybe he just has cold feet but you should very seriously consider if this man is someone who has the comunication skills needed to make a lasting marriage. From some of the other things you have mentioned it sounds like he has disregarded your feelings on other matters like you wanting him to join in your hobbies. If he does not have the communication skills, it is not a lost cause, because you can learn those, but he should be willing to go to counseling or read books on the subject to improve for you.

Also what is this about some new girl at work? 

I am sorry to be so harsh, but this really irks me that he could act like this toward his fiance. 

I think that the best thing for you to do in your situation is to give him some space while you think very seriously if he is right for you. After all you are making a huge commitment to him too and you deserve to have someone who cares about your feelings. Maybe he does just have cold feet and he is great in communicating about other things, and if that is the case I think the space will allow him to think about things too and get over the cold feet. 

Anyway good luck, I hope everything worrks out for the best!

Post # 8
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just remember, this is as good as it gets… he’s not going to try harder once you’re married.  If he’s not communicating or putting forth much effort now, imagine how it will be later.  It really does sound like he went ahead and jumped into something he wasn’t ready for and now is feeling resentful over it.  I think you already know all the answers in your head…. he’s putting on the brakes in every way possible and you’re still planning full throttle.  I don’t know the long term outlook for you, but I’d definitely put planning on hold until you both can come to a conclusion about what’s going to happen with your relationship.

Post # 9
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@weeble78:  However after the proposal he was reluctant to share our news, I got upset at having to hold it in, we got in a row and he shouted he regretted doing it, maybe our relationship is a mistake

3 months before proposing he freaked out.  We rowed, he said he wasn’t ‘in-love’ with me, had made a mistake that I was the ‘one’ etc

Fiance doesn’t seem excited, gets angry if I talk about things or ask him to sit down with me and look at venues. 

Then Fiance had a go at me for ignoring him and treating him like he’s a ghost or not even there, and reminded me that we’re engaged and should do stuff together. 

I have suggesting counselling but it just makes him angry.

I never in my life imagined it would feel sad.

I know you dont’t want to hear negative things, but give an honest look at what you wrote.  Red flag after red flag.  Your FIANCE, the man who is supposed to be in love with you and want to spend the rest of his life with you is constantly berating you, picking fights, and has said he regrets your relationship ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.  This is not a man in love.  I honestly don’t think this is a man who has a case of cold feet.  This is a man who is telling you through word and action that he does not want to be with you.  I am guessing he’s afraid to be alone, so he doesn’t want to break up, but it’s obvious marrying him (at least right now, would be a mistake).

Yes, wedding planning is stressful, and can cause arguments between even the happiest of couples.  But even before being engaged, he told you he wasn’t in love with you.  Then, even after “patching things up” things get worse instead of better.

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO MARRY YOU!  Who LOVES you and is EXCITED to be planning your life together.  Not someone who tells you he regrets proposing, and who gets ANGRY when you bring up counseling.  

Marriage is tough, and if you are planning on bringing children into the mix, it becomes that much harder.  Children shouldn’t be brought into a family where every time things get tough or stressful, Daddy tells Mommy he doesn’t love her.

I think you deserve so much better than this man, and if you continue to stay with him, you are missing the opportunity to meet someone who will love you fully.  At a bare minimum, please seek counseling; if he won’t go, go without him.


Post # 11
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! Engagements can be really stressful — especially when parents get involved. Our engagement has been a bit stressful as well, and we definitely fight more often than we did prior to getting engaged–mostly because of our parents’ demands regarding the wedding. It’s a bummer 🙁 

But if the problems are bigger than just engagement issues, then you’re right to worry. I’m glad to hear that you applied for counseling. I hope that your counselor will be able to help you figure out what’s best for you! And maybe in a few months, you’ll be able to convince your Fiance to join you in the counseling!

Post # 12
488 posts
Helper bee

He sounds like a big baby pulling strops all the time and shouting at you every time you want to talk! What do you love about this man before I give my advice?

Post # 14
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@weeble78:  He sounds pretty judging to me and you certainly do not sound like you feel happier,  or better about yourself around him. You talk a lot about how you think you “feel” with him as reasons you love him, but what do you love about him fundamentally as a person. And not about what you loved in the honeymoon phase, but now. It sure does not sound like you feel the way you described right now!

Just because someone is “better” than the guy before does not mean he is the best for you. Being “less bad” than the guy before should not be the motivating factor here to being with him. I should hope being with a guy who does not lie and steal is a given, and that your expectations are much, much higher than that!

Honestly, that he is attacking and yelling at you for even bringing issues up or starting conversations “wrong” to me is all very emotionally manipulative and abusive. Exactly how does he think issues should be brought up, because he sure is not demonstrating much healthy communication himself. I think he sounds emotionally immature, manipulative, and bullying. As I said before, it really should not be and need not be hard like this. This is not about looking for perfect, it is about looking for healthy, fulfilling, mutually supporting, loving, safe, enriching, freeing yet grounding, accepting. And that lasts forever, not just during the honeymoon period!

I definitely think counseling is a must here. It would be nice if he would go too, but for me willingness to go to counseling is important in a partner, but I am glad to hear you are at least going and in the end that may even work out better.

Post # 15
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You should be able to bring up the wedding with him and not get your head bitten off.  If he’s just not ready or having doubts, you wanting to discuss putting the wedding off should have been a relief for him, and he should have taken the opportunity to discuss it like an adult.  

I fear that if you marry this man, your whole life is going to be you wanting to talk about something, and him yelling at you for it.  Healthy relationships don’t work that way.  

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