(Closed) Stay-At-Home… Wife?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 182
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

I’m currently a stay at home wife to be…. not by choice because there is less money coming in (I was laid off) but I love every moment of it. I love being home and getting to spend time with myself, our doggy and most importantly my Fiance. Part of me is dreading finding a job and having to work again but I know that we’ll never be able to buy our own place if I keep staying at home. 

As long as you can both handle it financially… I say go for it!

Post # 183
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

To the OP: I could have written every single word you wrote. I was the A+ student in school, loved to learn everything I could, graduated with honors, etc. etc. Got a good job right out of college…and I just don’t like it. I just don’t like to work, I find it utterly draining, and I have no real interest in having a career.

We moved into a new house around the time I was starting my job, and since I’ve started I have spent more hours at work than I have at home. We’ve lived here for months now and I don’t even feel like it’s “home” at all yet because we haven’t had time to fully set it up or “nest”. It’s always a mess, I rarely make dinner (and Fiance hates to cook most nights so we usually eat chips and hummus or frozen pizzas for dinner, and get take-out for lunches at work), I have three hours in the evening between when I get home and when I go to bed, in which I have to try to cram all my errands, household chores, and fun. I have dreams of starting a small crafting business and doing craft fairs and selling on Etsy and whatnot, but ugh, as if I have time for that anymore! We want to grow our own vegetables next year…HA, right, that garden would be dead in a week because neither of us have time to tend it. We want to get a cat and/or a dog, but can’t figure out a good time to do so because we’re both out of the house all day every day, and don’t want to leave a new animal alone like that.

I have so many goals and hopes and dreams for myself that have absolutely nothing to do with my job/field, and that I can’t even begin to cultivate while working said job, because I have absolutely no time for any of it. These things I want to do are the things that make me most happy — cooking, cleaning, crafting, homemaking, etc. — and my career just drains the life right out of me.

So, no, I don’t think you’re wrong in feeling that way at all. And you’re definitely not alone 🙂

Post # 184
Member
5259 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@MsGolightly:  I am just responding to your initial post, I have not read them all.  Do what is right for you.  There are different ways that people contribute to the world other than having a 9-5.  Many people would dream of staying home but cannot make it work financially.  My dream is to have a job I love.  I am learning to redefine what that means.  I thought it would mean working for myself, but wowsas, is that a lot of work.  I am basically always at work working for myself.  It all depends on who you are and what you want, and you can always redefine that at any point.  I take college classes to get a social fix.  Working at home is lonely- that is what I discovered.  I also like to feel like I am contributing to humanity in some way, so I continually make work (I am an artist) that I think matters.  At first I struggled with what others thought- but if you are going to worry about that, forget trying to be happy!  I think that having goals is a necessary part of life, and being an active part of your own life.  If you are only playing the part of a supportive role to someone else (kid or husband or family member) it tends to be recipe for disaster.  So, I would make goals (they don’t have to have anything to do with making money necessarily) and continue to work toward them.  “Dreaming” you could call it, working toward a goal, – I think that is necessary for happiness.  It could be mastering the potters wheel or getting into medical school.  I though, am someone who likes to be challenged and do things that are extremely difficult.  So, I like to keep goals around.

Post # 186
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

All I have to say is

1. Prenup including substantial provisions for alimony, if you are even in a state where this is possible.

2. Life and disability insurance (for your husband).

If you choose to stay at home, you are tying your financial future to your husband’s.  You are giving up not just the money you would be earning now, but also the ability to grow your career. If you find yourself needing to go back into the workforce in 15 years because of divorce, death, or disability, you may find it very difficult to get a decent-paying job.  Take precautions.  It’s easy to think “it can’t happen to me.”  But it can, and you need to make a plan for it. 

Post # 187
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you and your DH agree, then who cares what others say.  I personally couldn’t do it cause I’ve always been a busy body.  I’ve always said that if I won the lottery, I still will be working.  Yeah, its crazy but its part me and part how I was raised.  In the AA community, women have always worked outside the home.  Its an expectation that you contribute $$$ to the household.  So, I will do like all the women in my family, continue working till retirement and then volunteer to help myself and others.  

 Now, I could definitely work it like Michelle Obama if DH had it like that.   If I could work for the betterment of the world, I would definitely switch my 9 to 5. 

Post # 188
Member
3674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Wow, I feel like this thread is getting really judgy!

People do things differently, and that’s ok. Some people stay home, some people work. People have their reasons for each, and we shouldn’t judge others for living our lives different ways. If it doesn’t affect you, why do you care if I am a Stay-At-Home Wife, Stay-At-Home Mom, or a working wife or mom?

Post # 189
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

My friends and I joked about how we would love to stay at home, I called it the stay at home gf/FI. We would go on and on about all the fun things we could do and learn and how much time we would have to work out.

I lost my job last Friday. Staying at home blows already blows. :/ maybe I just feel this way becuase it wasn’t a choice.

 

Post # 191
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I am currently a stay at home fiance, I am getting married November of is year. I feel a lot of pressure from others to get a job, but I just don’t want to! My fiance likes me staying at home and I absolutely Love it. When I work outside the home I feel so depressed and like it’s not what I was meant to do. I’m glad to know there are others who feel the same. I guess everyone has to do what they feel is best for them & their family. 

Post # 191
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

Why not just find another job that is more fulfilling and that you actually care about? If you got a rush from making good grades because you worked hard and were rewarded for it, then staying at home, cleaning, cooking, and waiting around for your husband to get home would probably not be very fulfilling. I think it’d be incredibly boring.

You wouldn’t have as much independence or power, and if your relationship turned bad and ya’ll broke up/got divorced, you would have a large gap in your work history and less experience and no way to support yourself. Being a stay-at-home wife means being completely dependent on your husband.

Also, would your husband be okay with his wife being permanently unemployed? Another option is to get another degree in a different field that interests you since you enjoyed school, and make a career switch.

ETA: Crap, this was three years ago, so it probably doesn’t matter now.

Post # 192
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My name is Francisco De Nova. I am 26 years of age, and am opposite of you.

I did terrible in school. Not because I wasn’t competent enough, but due to the many distractions that I allowed to penetrate my concentration.

I just has a discussion with my wife about her becoming a stay at home wife. Which did not turn out so well. We are both for it, but her dad and mom are foregoing a divorce.

Her mother is/was a stay at home mom. Which I wouldn’t knock her for it; until I seen their version of a stay at home mom. It wasn’t all that great to my eyes. (Granite I have never met a stay at home wife. I thought it was a mythical object. Due to the fact that I’ve never met anybody that could afford it.)

In my thoughts a stay at home wife is somebody that helps the other half with the other half of the responsiblities. Meaning the husband takes care of the income which provides the family with objects; such as food, housing, clothes, bills, luxuries, and etc.

So, therefore the wife would help with maintaining the house in a clean manner, the cooking of food, the managing/budgeting of bills. Pretty much household issues. Of course I assume the husband will mow the yard take the trash out fix things that he can fix and so on and so forth.

Back to the past things mentioned, my mother father in law would come home after a days of work. At the time my wife daughter and myself were visiting. My father in law asks “what’s for dinner?” My mother in law selfishly answers, “Today I haven’t done anything, I’ve been lazy all day and I do not feel like cooking. If you want to eat go and buy yourself something.” Oh I immediately got upset, because I know that not every women does not have the privilege of being a stay at home wife.

So, I jumped up and asked my father in law what was his appetite craving for that I would take care of cooking for him. Besides that point. I feel like my wife has a perspective of what a stay at home wife should be like. Which does not match with mine. I would love to spoil my wife with that luxury. Of her not having to work and her attending my most important priority, which is my daughter.

So in our discussion I asked her if “she’d like to be a stay at home wife?” which she of coarse answered “yes”. I expected that answer. Besides the point. I answered seed her what would her responsibilities consist of. Which she quickly said that she knew what her duties of.

She explained to me how she was not planing on waking up early because she does not like to wake up early. Which then I asked her about breakfast. That who would cook it? She responded that her husband had hands and that he could cook it himself. To me that is a relative trait of her mom. Which at one point she mentioned to me that she hated waking up early. So she wouldn’t cook breakfast for her husband.

I have nothing against cooking or doing things for myself. Though, that response rubbed me the wrong way. One it reminded me of her mom, which through the divorce that their going through she’s ripping him of a lot of things. Such as house kids and a large sum of money because she not once had to work in her life due to the fact that her husband took care of her in that fashion.

Two she mentioned how she wasn’t my slave. Which I never intended her to feel that way. I simply responded to her to then explain what she thinks her duties as a stay at home wife were. She said cooking taking care of the baby and cleaning the house. Managing the money and being happy. Which I agreed.hen she made another point that she doesn’t see this happening in the future and a tarter becoming negative about the scenario.

At the moment I am still a student. I am working towards our future. Which includes her becoming a stay at home wife. But if in her mind she thinks that she’s going to behave like her mom then things were not going to work out. She started explaining to me how she doesn’t want to rely on me due to money. 

I understand that her family is going through a tough time and that I probably hurt her feelings by comparing her to her mom or comparing our relationship to her parents. I am not going to lie. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. So idk if it would be convientnant in the end.

Idk. Things are tough but a stay at home wife should at least take care of her husband like she expects her husband to take care of her. Currently in my eyes and with what I heard today I do not think my wife deserves to be a stay at home wife, because in the end she might divorce me after years of her being taken care of and in the end she will take everything plus the years that she luxuriously was a stay at home wife.

 

I know my words and paragraphs are jumpy and maybe my point is not clear. I am on a cellphone writing this. Life is crazy. Good luck on your desire to be a stay at home wife.

Post # 193
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
MmmRoastedParsnips:  

I feel the exact same way! Nowadays it seems like it is “frowned upon” for a woman to be a homemaker. I spent years struggling with the fact that being a wife and someday a mother, is what truly makes me happy and what I find most fulfilling. 

The fact of the matter is that Feminism is all about choice. Yes, many women feel most fulfilled when they have a career. However, for some (myself included), “home is where the heart is”. I truly hope that Fiance can be financially stable enough within a few years for me to be a full time homemaker. 

At the end of the day, we are blessed to live in a time where women are free to choose what they want to do with their lives. There is no reason why stay-at-home wives/mothers should be made to feel bad about their choice, if that is where they find their bliss.

Post # 194
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
MmmRoastedParsnips:  I see that you have been active in the last few months, do you have any update on your situation, OP? Did you ever become a stay at home wife?

I feel quite sympathetic to your situation. I am still a student and am very happy doing that, but I’m a bit afraid of having to go out in the real work-a-day world… Spending most of one’s time at work, something which so many people value way beyond mere financial necessity, sounds like a sad and draining existence to me…

Post # 195
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

That’s lovely if you have an SO that can afford to make your dream a reality…

Unfortunately, for most people, working isn’t something we love to do, we do it because it is part of being an adult, and being an adult means you are financially responsible for yourself. 

After reading this thread I have a much clearer understanding why so many people in the US love Bernie Sanders…what people don’t seem to understand is NOTHING is “FREE” – SOMEONE has to pay for you to live…

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