(Closed) Stay-At-Home… Wife?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 196
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

mild89:  “Currently in my eyes and with what I heard today I do not think my wife deserves to be a stay at home wife, because in the end she might divorce me after years of her being taken care of and in the end she will take everything plus the years that she luxuriously was a stay at home wife.”

Whoa. I don’t quite know how to address your post, because there’s a lot there to unpack, but none of this seems healthy. How long have you been married? Have you considered seeing a counselor?

Post # 197
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I am a stay at home girlfriend/fiance. Even before we were engaged I didn’t work. I worked when we first moved in together and I’m in school. But my schedule had me at work when he was going home. And if I complained in the least about going to work it turned into well stay home I’ll give you the money you would have made for your shift (3 hours) eventually I was miserable there if we weren’t busy I’d get sent home early and it wasn’t work driving there. So, I quit and he takes care of my bills and pays for school. I work every so often I worked for a couple months, but like you I have no interest in working. 3.5 throughout high school and 4.0 through college. I keep thinking once I find what I want to do it will changed but it hasnt yet. And he knows I want to be a stay at home mom. I’m sure eventually  I will work part time again, but I just can’t sit at home all the time.

Post # 198
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

When you say that you don’t care about people at work, maybe you need to find a career or job where you make a difference and you care about the people you serve. Working with children/students is really fulfilling, for instance, and you do come to love them 🙂 I like working outside of the home because it adds a valuable dimension to my life and my identity, self-worth, etc. Not that anyone is worth less if they don’t work, but I personally really appreciate having different layers to my life.

It might be about finding a job where you are known and appreciated. Maybe look into a part-time job that is not stressful but is working for a cause you care about. (I work as a paraprofessional with emotionally disturbed students. The kiddo’s crises means that colleagues have to cut their own drama and work as a team. We all respect, appreciate, and work well with one another 🙂 It turns out that many quality people go into special education!)

Post # 199
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

 

mild89:  After reading your post I would say not to allow her to be a sahw.  I think her experience and perception of that role is so far off of what you expect that you will resent her in the long run.  If you are out there working every day and working 10 – 20 years extra just to cover her lack of income for retirement you should fully expect that every single thing in the house is done perfectly and the bills are managed well and your daughter is being properly stimulated.  Honestly she should have your breakfast and lunch ready for you in the morning with the huge sacrifice you are making by being the only provider.  Her flippant comment that you can make your own food and she doesn’t want to be a slave tells me that she would not appreciate that sacrifice. 

Post # 200
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Our plan is for me to work up until we have kids (if we can – we haven’t tried yet so we’re not sure!) and then I would be a SATM until they are maybe of high school age.  If we were struggling financially, I would take up a part-time job when the kids are a bit older.  Luckily, my fiance earns good money and my Mum lives with us, so she would always be around to help me care for the children when the time comes (happily so, might I add).

I know that life never goes to plan, but all going well, that is where we are headed.  I work in a professional environment with highly competitive colleagues, some of whom are mothers who employ full-time nannies to care for their children, and I have to say I don’t want that life for myself, or my future kids, and neither does my fiance.

I would use that time to do all the usual domestic duties, but I don’t for one second think that I would drive myself nuts with boredom.  There are plenty of things that I would keep myself busy with, and having a baby would only add to that busy-ness!  Certainly when the children are older, I might consider studying in a different field, something that I am more passionate about (like cooking/baking, or yoga).  Very interesting seeing the different viewpoints in this thread. 🙂

Post # 201
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

MmmRoastedParsnips:  Well, I have been a stay at home wife. I do freelance very part time in the arts. I need to nurture my talents and also feel like I can make a bit on my own. However, my husband takes great pride in taking care of us. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same. The provider and protector was the role my father fulfilled in my life, and for my mom so I think it natural that I’d value that in a man. I like keeping the house in mint condition, cooking every meal from scratch, doing all of the errands and bills and phone calls so my husband can relax at the end of the day. I should also note that since being stay at home (prior I worked 25 hours per week), I am much more turned on by my husband. I mean, he always was hot and sweet, but when I feel taken care of that adds to his attractivness for me. We do have extra insurances and try to lice below means. What I make is usually saved. We are very middle class by the way. This isn’t a status thing. I feel you, everything you’re saying…resonates.

Post # 202
Member
4257 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

MmmRoastedParsnips:  That is how I felt about working too.  And I had a pretty good job that a lot of people would find fun.  I just found it draining.  I am Stay-At-Home Mom now, and I do sometimes get lonely and miss talking to people… so I became a nail tech and only take enough clients to do one or or 2 clients a week.  My point, is do what makes you happy, and be open to trying new things as you change and learn new things about yourself.

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