(Closed) Stay At Home… Wife?

posted 4 years ago in Home
Post # 226
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State


KellyTee:  if you read my response than you would realize I was talking more about those who only dream of being a wife and mother. I also never said anything about a paycheck. But I do feel it’s beneficial to anyone (man or woman) to always make sure they can support themselves should their partner one day not be there. You are also different in that you have a history that would help you to get back on your feet should your provider decide one day to not provide for you anymore. But someone who has only ran a home is not going to do as well if their provider decides to walk away or is taken away in some way. As important as I think running a home is, you can’t put it on a resume and it wouldn’t serve you very well should you need to rebuild a different life on your own due to divorce, death, illness, etc. So personal choice aside, being able to provide the necessities for myself and my child trumps being able to focus only on running a home even though it would be easier in many ways. I need an income to feel secure. Maybe others don’t but I can’t and wouldn’t live my life like that. And that’s just the practical side of things, that doesn’t include my need for a career but again that’s a personal choice.

Also, I don’t hate on anyone who chooses differently. I just simply don’t agree with it and will always find it confusing to try and understand that mindset.

Post # 227
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes life doesn’t work out like you planned.


I had to give up a very fulfilling job because I couldn’t afford nursing home care for my dad.  My job is taking care of him 24/7.  I guess, technically, this makes me a Stay-At-Home Wife.  I didn’t choose this, and I sure wouldn’t wish this on anyone.


And even if Dad didn’t have ALS, what business is it of anybody what I do with my life?  The household budget is set by my husband and myself.  In a couple years, after dad passes away, I’ll rejoin the workforce.  Is that sufficient for some of you?


*I don’t need anybody’s sympathy, but I’m sure as shit ready to throw a brick at the next person who calls SAHWs lazy!

Post # 228
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Bottom line– your marriage/finances/life goals are between you and your spouse, OP.


Discuss this with your FI/spouse.  Reading too far into the preconceived stereotypes and dreams of all the women posting here (and quite honestly, many of them sound rather naive and inept on this topic) will not help you reach a mutually agreed upon decision.


Whether you elect to be a Stay-At-Home Wife or are thrown into that path really shouldn’t be anybody’s concern but your own.  Some women aspire to be home and that’s all– some women find that choice to be the best option for their family.  


You certainly don’t need validation from any of us.  Talk with your FI/spouse about this.



Post # 229
927 posts
Busy bee

JaneyDcat:  while what you are doing for your dad is admirable, I wouldn’t call you a Stay-At-Home Wife. To me, you are a full time carer. Sometimes it’s a paid job, often it isn’t when it’s done by family – because you’d be paying yourself! 🙂

But as far as Stay-At-Home Wife go, I agree. Responses on here saying they wouldn’t be a Stay-At-Home Wife themselves, but each to their own = okay. Responses on here bagging out SAHWs calling them lazy and selfish = unhelpful and judgemental. As OP did ask the question, I think it’s fair to express disagreement with HER potential choice to be a Stay-At-Home Wife under HER circumstances, but no need for them to make sweeping mean generalisations about all SAHWs. 

Post # 230
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

BookTea:  THIS!!!!  The SAHW’s on her doth protest too much!!!!    lol

Post # 231
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wow – what a clusterf*ck of mostly the same people repeating the same things over and over again.  And I think most of the respondents are both right and wrong, depending on the circumstances.

I do agree that it is everyone’s individual choice to make, in conjunction with their spouse, of course.  And I don’t really care what they decide as it doesn’t affect me.  Having said that….

I have definitely known husbands of SAHWs who are resentful of their wives.  I’ve also known some who are not.  The ones who are resentful tend to be younger, and the ones who are not tend to be older.  It may be largely generational.  Again, it doesn’t affect me, so I don’t care. But I do know that at least SOME husbands are resentful.

Likewise, I’ve known SAHWs who are very lazy.  And I’ve known some who are not.  

But for me the real issue is that I have known quite a few SAHW/M who were royally screwed and unprepared for life when their husbands left them or died.  That is my primary concern for most of the Stay-At-Home Wife on this thread.  The harsh reality is that past work experience and volunteering are NOT going to be enough to get you a job if needed – not in this job market.   And good luck living on alimony and/or child support.  And life insurance will only last so long.  I genuinely hope that none of you face this problem, but I think it is unwise to discount it as a very real vulnerability that you face.  Everyone thinks that it won’t happen to them, but it does happen to people everywhere.  Every. Single. Day.

I also think that it is wrong to imply that working women don’t keep their houses clean and their families fed.  Yes, I agree that when one spouse doesn’t work it is easier to get those things done without burdening the working spouse.  But really, those are not tough tasks to accomplish, even when working full-time.  So please, let’s be real about that — everyone does housework, and it’s not that hard or time consuming to do.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  MelissainNC.
Post # 232
49 posts
  • Wedding: July 2014

MrsPPP:  I don’t have a strong opinion on many of the things mentioned in this topic, but I do want to address what you mentioned in your third point. Who’s to say she didn’t research her career? I wanted to be a teacher almost my whole life, I enjoyed my education classes in college- but honestly, most of the classes talked about idealogies and teaching methods that would really only work in the perfect classroom. I knew going into teaching that it would require a lot of work and time, but nothing could have prepared me for the reality of it. I love working with young people and helping them understand math- but that really is a small part of the job. It’s a career that absolutely takes over all of your time and for me, almost every thought of my day. Not to mention the stress of job stability- I was the first person in and the last to leave, my supervisor loved me and administration admired my work ethic through what was a challenging midyear position- and I still did not get rehired for the next school year due to a drop in student enrollment. I spent all of college being told that there were plenty of jobs out there for teachers and that’s just not the case anymore. So between the job market and the crippling anxiety I dealt with while teaching (not just the nonstop crying but also many physical health problems brought on by stress), I can see where the OP is coming from. And while a teaching degree can be helpful in other fields, it is scary to take on a new career you don’t feel adequately prepared for. I have a BA in mathematics but didn’t really consider doing anything with it besides teaching. I am working full time now (not as a teacher, though I also do some part time SAT prep classes) but not sure what my next career move is. I symphasize with the OP because I think she’s in the same sort of mindset and just trying to figure out her options.

Post # 233
263 posts
Helper bee

blue_bride:  None of what you said is unique to the teaching field. That’s ALL career minded positions. Stress, uncertainty, overtime that is unpaid, worry….bad economy….um, it isn’t unique at all.

If you don’t understand what teaching is before sinking six figures into it…well, that is what an idiot does.

Post # 234
11813 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

This thread is full of of criticizing others’ choices. I think it’s more than run its course, so I’m going to close it now.

The topic ‘Stay At Home… Wife?’ is closed to new replies.

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