(Closed) Stay at home wife, no children?? Lets talk

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
  • poll: Are you a stay at home wife?
    Yes, i have children : (30 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, i do not have children : (35 votes)
    18 %
    No, i have children : (34 votes)
    18 %
    No, i do not have children : (95 votes)
    49 %
  • Post # 121
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    Heaven1 :  I’m a stay at home wife and I love it. It’s temporary and it wasn’t planned but is great. I used to have a profession but ended up relocating to a different country and at some point was unable to work (paperwork delays). After that, I couldn’t find a job in my field and agreed with my husband that I’d take two years off to adjust since I wasn’t willing to work odd jobs.

    Honestly, I love my profession but I never loved working if that makes sense. There’s so much more to life besides working. I enjoy working out, reading, writing, traveling whenever I can, my social life… I’m so much happier since I stopped working!

    My husband helps with household chores and I contribute financially through my share of my family’s business. 

    I’m going back to school this fall to get back on my career since that was the plan and we can’t afford this situation permanently but it was great while it lasted! As long as it works for your marriage don’t let others criticize you. I got harsh comments sometimes and it was always very obvious it came from a place of jealousy. 

    Post # 122
    Member
    1183 posts
    Bumble bee

    Double posting but some people here need to have a real hard look at themselves. Pretty sad that the harshest judgers of women are not men but in fact other women. So much venom and vitriol here when it’s 2019 and a central point of feminism is about having choices and respecting those of others.

    OP do your thing. If you’re happy that’s all that matters. As always, have a plan B whatever that looks like for you. 

    Post # 123
    Member
    162 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    It’s disappointing to see so many nasty, unnecessary comments. OP, please don’t take any of these comments to heart. There is value in the work you do and in the life you lead, despite not getting a paycheck for it.

    I’m a substitute teacher, and I enjoy it. But it’s currently summer vacation, so I feel like a stay at home wife. Right now and during the school year, I do all of the household chores, so grocery shopping, making breakfast, packing lunches and snacks, making dinner, doing the dishes and laundry, cleaning, taking care of our 4 pets, scheduling, and running any other errands that need to be done. My husband works 60+ hours a week, so I especially love making our home a restful, peaceful place for him to relax. I don’t like cleaning the kitty litter or putting the laundry away, but I find value in all the tasks I do that help keep our house clean and in order.

    However, I have free time, and although I try to spend most of it doing meaningful things like studying the Bible, journaling, stretching, and spending time with family and friends, I still feel like there’s more I could be doing, and earning money would also be nice. I’m already itching to go back to work.

    But, I am 7 months pregnant with our first child, a baby boy, and I’m happy to say that I will become a stay at home mom when he’s born! I’m looking forward to it.

    Post # 124
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I work only 3 days a week and have done so since before I met my husband. I am lucky to be able to afford it. I get very little fulfillment from my job and only do it to pay for stuff I enjoy more.

    I am never bored or lacking things to do. I have several sociable, all consuming hobbies, and like housework so I do the majority of that since my husband works full-time. 

    However, I also like having my ‘own’ money and not being completely financially dependent on someone else.

    A happy medium? 

    Post # 125
    Member
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    dianaj17 :  This is exactly how I feel.  I’m wondering how these sahws would feel if their husband’s suddenly said that they didn’t want to work 60+ hours a week anymore  and wanted to stay at home and focus on their hobbies and home? Would the, a job isn’t everything,  still apply or is that only for women? I would love to not be able to work but so would my husband. There’s plenty that either of us could find to fill our time as we both have a lot of hobbies.   However,  in order for one of us to stay at home then the other would have to work a lot more.  Neither of us find that fair.  We’d both rather work a normal hour work week so that we can both have time for hobbies and to focus on each other.  

    Eta: I also think there’s a small bit of delusion on the stay at home crowd’s part.  They don’t want to slave away at a soul sucking job and find life much more meaningful outside of work but their husband doesn’t care about all that.  He’s FIIIINNNNEEE with working long hours at a soul sucking job so they can have a nice meal waiting for him.  This concentrating on their hobbies and focusing on themselves only applies to them.  All the stress and other negative consequences they experienced working somehow skipped over him and he’s thrilled to be doing all this.  

    Post # 126
    Member
    871 posts
    Busy bee

    This is really something that is up to the couple and not for other people to judge. 

    I would hope that there would be equal financial say and equal savings regardless of which partner stayed home, I’m not on board with two halves of a couple having considerably different safety nets. 

    I would also hope that both parties are truly on board with the mindset that contributions to the relationship and the family home are not limited to paid work and that everyone’s contributions are respected and valued. 

    And yes I’d be okay with this even if my husband stayed home and I went out to work. 

    But I’m also coming at this from an older-Bee perspective so I’m really talking about early retirement here. If we’re talking about a spouse not being in the workforce at a much earlier age, I’m assuming that one person’s salary still affords them not just a comfortable lifestyle but a large safety net of savings and assets to make this financially feasible for them- and hey, if they can do this and it works for them, terrific. 

    For us though, it’s not really do-able just yet. We both earn a decent but unspectacular salary, so we could manage on one salary but that’s all we’d be doing is just ‘okay’. We have long distance loved ones so we travel to see them or occasionally host them, so plane fares aren’t something I’d want to give up. Ditto other discretionary things like sports team fees, home renovations etc. So I wouldn’t be on board with either one of us retiring early just yet because it would mean we’d go from ‘comfortable’ to ‘getting by’. 

    I do have to say though, that if one of us had a significant salary jump, it would be nice if one of us could retire early- even if it was him!- because I truly believe both parties benefit, assuming of course that the Stay At Home Spouse would take to this role- because it isn’t for everyone. There is a world of difference between a partner staying home and just lounging around all day (as some Bees rather unfairly assume most would do) and a partner who makes a valuable albeit unpaid contribution to making the home run smoother. My husband and I have different busy periods- in winter I take on a second job during tax season and I have more hours, in summer it’s his busy season at work and he works more hours- whichever one of us is working less is picking up the other person’s share at home and I appreciate this either way!

    I’m happy to be the one at home doing the lion’s share but I’m also appreciative when I’m working tons of hours to come home and find the house clean and the grocery shopping done and a delicious dinner waiting for me. My husband is also an avid gardener and talks about expanding our gardens/ adding a greenhouse when he’s able to retire- lol actually I think he’d end up doing more than I would if he were the one to stay home 🙂 And if I was the one working, I’d absolutely consider it ‘our’ money. 

     

    Post # 128
    Member
    5566 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    My problem with the Stay-At-Home Wife thing is I often see it put as “if you want to and your husband can afford it then why not?” I think people really downplay the role the husband has in these situations and it seems like it is always the woman’s choice and not the husband’s even though he now has to completely financially support her. Even this post is the OP deciding she’s going to stay at home, it never seems to be described as a joint decision. 

    It has nothing to do with feminism, I don’t think it’s anti feminist to stay at home but I do wonder if the husbands feel equally supported in the marriage. I really disagree that “running the home” for two people is contributing at the same level as working out of the house for 8/9 hours a day.  I get that people can fill their days with classes and hobbies, but I do find it quite selfish to be okay with your husband going out everyday to earn money so you can just explore your hobbies. 

    Post # 130
    Member
    929 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

     Agreed. And I am glad you referred to the OP’s creative efforts as art. I don’t know who said it, but it has been noted that men’s creations are called art , while women’s are called crafts. mixybee :  

    Post # 133
    Member
    871 posts
    Busy bee

    zzar45 :  I actually would consider the contributions equal- and I said in my thread, I’d be happy if my husband was the one to stay home. 

     If I was slogging away in a Dickensian sweatshop while he was spending his days drinking beer with his buddies, absolutely I wouldn’t be okay with this. 

    But the truth is, I like my job. And he’s the type who would take care of our home and all that. So I wouldn’t resent him being the one to stay home while I went out to work. IMO it would make both of our lives easier. I would also have much more free time because he’d be taking on the lion’s share of stuff that both of us now do after work and on our days off. Seems like a win-win to me. 

    Post # 134
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee

    I think its fine and dandy if its what you both agreed on. 

    My only worry if i did the same, is that I would put too much dead time on a resume. Like if my husband passed away and say I didn’t work for… ten plus years or however long we were married… it would make getting back on my feet hard… and I base this off median income levels. 

    I mean if you were rich and the husband passed… you would need to learn to be really good with money till you pass away. And you could do ok… but still might need to find some work.

    Anyways, I am basically a stay at home wife because I work from home full time. But even with me working it still feels like I am not because I have a nice set up. I can workout on lunches, breaks, and so on.

    Post # 135
    Member
    538 posts
    Busy bee

    Anonymous1063 :   for what it’s worth, she does know, at least a bit. She had me at 38 and she worked in international urban planning until then. So she has a good sense of what the grass was like on the other side

    The topic ‘Stay at home wife, no children?? Lets talk’ is closed to new replies.

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