(Closed) Stay at home wife?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yikes!  I’d feel as if the money my husband made wasn’t really mine, so I’d feel guilty if I ever went out and bought something for myself (FI would never think this way, but I do!). 

My Fiance was out of work for 2 months last year due to a severely broken arm, I worked 60 hours/week to support us and I started to resent him when I came home and he was playing video games or going out for drinks while I was stuck at work waitressing as a 2nd job….

I know it wasn’t something planned, and he couldn’t help but be at work so I guess my situation isn’t really relevant to this thread…

But the Fiance and I have talked about moving down South where he could make just as much $$ as he does now and things are less expensive – I would be out of work for some time while finding something in my field/going back to school.  He seemed okay with it, but I don’t think I would like it. 

Post # 48
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m a stay at home fiance, because I’m looking for a job. Granted I’ve not being looking as hard as I should, but it’s simply because every time I start really looking, I get hints from the bakery at FFIL’s store that they might hire me and I’d really rather work there than anywhere else, so I wait and wait and never hear anything. Fiance doesn’t resent me for it (I think mostly because his mom and his older sister are both stay at home moms/wives), but I often feel guilty because I feel like I’m not contributing at all and it makes me feel really lazy and worthless sometimes. But to make up for it I try to pull my weight and then some and I do a lot of wedding work/planning during the day. I’m also trying to get into a professional baking program, but I’m on a wait-list so we’ll see how it goes.

Post # 49
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am technically now a stay at home wife.  I work for my husband and I work from home.  I had a job I absolutely hated and it prevented me from being able to take care of my husband and our house (and myself!) the way I wanted to and we made the decision for me to quit and help him out with his business.  We get to spend more time together, I can always keep the house clean, laundry done, three meals a day cooked.  I am taking sewing and photography classes that I would have never had time for and I am able to go to the gym every day.  It has been great! We are also planning on TTC next fall/winter so that had a lot to do with our decision.  I didn’t rely on insurance through my old job and we can live the same lifestyle on just my husband’s income.  People are different and I know there are plenty of women who wouldn’t be fulfilled by not working outside of the home, but if you are and you can afford to do it, go for it!  I agree with one of the previous posters that said it is amazing how quickly your day fills up…and there are always things to do if you feel you are getting bored.  Take a more active role at your church/place of worship, do more volunteering, take classes.  Personally, I can’t imagine getting bored!

Post # 50
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I agree with mrskessler…if you’re going to go to school and get a degree, why would you be a stay at home anything. My girlfriends and I were actually talking about this last night and I wouldnt be a stay at home wife or mother, one because we dont have the financial means to do so, and two because I feel like I wouldnt be setting the right example for my future children, especially if I had a daughter. I would be giving her the wrong impression and telling her to go to college to get her MRS degree? I would personally go stir crazy being at home all day, because I have been there once. A stay at home girlfriend and all of a sudden, my life became about him. I was cleaning and cooking and my day wouldnt start until 4pm when he would get home from work. I need to work, but I have been working since I was 14 until I went to college and even then I felt like I wasnt doing enough for myself.

Post # 51
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

i feel like the part that people have a problem with is that you say stay at home WIFE, like being a wife is a job, it isn’t. any more that being a husband is a job. i would say that if you don’t want to work and you’d rather volunteer then that’s great and you’re very lucky. but people can be stay at home moms,that’s a full time job not stay at home wives. you’re just somebody that doesn’t work that happens to be married

Post # 52
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No way. Personally, I couldn’t be a stay at home wife. A stay at home mom is different, because being a mom is a full-time job in itself. But if I was just staying at home, with no children and no job, I would feel like I didn’t really have a purpose in life. But that’s just me, and having a career is important to me. I would love to eventually just work part-time though, once we have a family.

And what happens if God forbid, you get divorced? How would you explain the huge gap in your resume when you need to find a job?

Post # 53
Member
2402 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mrskesslertobe – I completely agree

Post # 54
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Education doesn’t really matter. People should be able to do what makes the happy. I have my degree and work with computers, but if I get tired of my job I would give it up and be fine to make that a hobby.

With or without children, taking care of the household IS a full time job. Things need to be cleaned, repaired, and taken care of. With my Fiance, he can also work on various home imporvemet projects if everything else is done. It is nice to know if the cats get sick, a repairman is coming over, something important is being delivered, or one of the cars need to be taken into the shop that I don’t have to take time off work and rearrange my schedule to make that happen.

Who do you think is more stressed out? The couple that comes home from their jobs and still have to clean up, cook, pay bills, figure out how to schedule home repairs if needed, and then just have enough time to watch some tv and get ready for bed. Or our situation, where I come home and everything is already done. My nights consist of coming home, eating dinner with the Fiance, working on crafts (right now that is wedding stuff), read, water my plants, take a long bath, and then love it up with my Fiance before I get ready for bed. Our weekends are full of us going out and doing stuff together because all the chores are already done.

Personally I think every household should have one spouse staying home taking care of the household duties. It really takes the stress out of my home life and look forward to coming home because I know I don’t have to worry about anything. I can just relax and unwind. I realize that in unrealistic, but I hardly think you are less of a person for staying home. Stayin home IS a full time job with or without kids.

Of course we do have two incomes coming in. I don’t really understand when people say they would feel awkward spending their FI’s money. We pool all our money. It is OUR money. We both get an allowance every week of what we can blow our money on and everything else goes into household and savings. If I didn’t have a job it would still be our money, We just wouldn’t get as big of an allowance.

Post # 55
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

A stay at home wife- no. A stay at home mom- yes. If a woman is able bodied and can go to work and there are no kids in the picture…she needs to go to work. but that’s just my personal view. No one knows what could happen. He could lose his job or die earlier rather than later.

I’d rather save money for just in case and for future kids, not to live off of.

Post # 56
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

For the naysayers, it’s about happiness.  If your Fiance or Husband doesn’t mind and actually encourages you to stay home, if you have been stressed out at work or don’t enjoy your career, and if you have the finances, then staying at home is a good thing.  Oh and college isn’t just about getting a career, it’s about experiencing things wouldn’t normally have if you didn’t attend…just ask a general studies or liberal arts major.  Unless they’re planning on going to graduate school, they probably won’t end up in a career related to their major.  So college is not a waste.  I think filling your time with classes and volunteering is an excellent experience and definitely needed.  Oh and about setting an example to our children, I used to think that being a stay at home mom wasn’t a job…however, it is.  I think it’s the hardest job.  You have to educate and take care of the future beings that will be taking care of us when we’re way past retirement age.  Plus, I really think it’s rewarding to see your child grow before you.  I think it’s great that women want to work and have a family, I know I couldn’t do everything I want with my (future) children if I was working full time.  I also believe that I can encourage my children to make their own choices on the matter, I’ll still love and support them if they want to make a career for themselves.  It’s their choice.  For me, I want to do something that drives and makes me passionate.  Children and perhaps nursing make me passionate.  I found that the entire time I’m in college I am expected to study something that would make me lots of money and get me a career, that someone else would watch my children.  While I still need to work for awhile, I look forward to the day my Fiance, then Husband, gets a job and I can stay home with our future children.  Plus, I look forward to a career-change once my children go off to school. 🙂

Post # 57
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think this really has become a conversation on how people view working at a career the only way to have a meaningful life. I find work to be a means to live not as my life. My Fiance has said that when he is done with school he wants to be able to support me and my life will still be meaningfull by doing things like taking care of our children, cooking, and maintaning a nice home. I also feel that by cooking a good meal or having a nicely maintained home is not just for the working husband it is for me as well to have a nice life.

Post # 58
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Personally, I don’t feel fulfilled just by doing household chores.  Maybe it’s a different mindset for me versus other girls here.

And for the girls who are quitting jobs that they are unhappy with, why not try doing something else first before becoming a stay at home wife?  It takes a lot of working people a while to find out what they want to do, you don’t always fall into your dream job that makes you happy right away.

Post # 59
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@serasvictoria:

Oh I love your post. I couldn’t agree anymore. Being able to stay at home makes my life easier, and in turn I am able to make FI’s life easier. We never argue about who is supposed to clean what. I happily accept those responsibilities and am so blessed to have an Fiance who reminds me that I DO have a job, and I do get paid.

I did feel slightly guilty at first because I’ve always worked and brought in money, but not nearly as much as Fiance. He has a great job and provides very well for us, and is happy to do so.

I am young, working certainly isn’t out of the question for me. I’ll be happy to work if/when I find the right opportunity. But for now, I am fully enjoying my role and hope that when we do have children I have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom.

Post # 60
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree that it’s about doing what makes you happy. If you can support yourselves, then who is anyone else to say or judge what you should be doing with your time? Just because you would be bored by such an arrangement doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t find it fulfilling. Just because you envision a long builds-upon-itself career doesn’t mean that others can’t envision a career filled with doing many different things that aren’t necessarily related to one another—staying home and having the time for hobbies might be part of that.

Definitely though with this type of arrangement I think it is prudent to have a back-up plan in case things don’t turn out as you’d hoped, if something happens to the breadwinner and you have to get a paying job again. That definitely speaks to the use of getting an education and obtaining skills (but you don’t have to get those skills in paid employment, necessarily).

However, a period of unemployment is no more difficult for a stay-at-home wife to explain to a prospective employer than it would be for a stay-at-home mother. Although employers can ask about gaps in employment, they are legally not allowed to ask about your family situation (whether you are married, whether you have children). If the employment gap came up in a job interview, a stay-at-home wife could say just as legitimately as a stay-at-home mother that she worked in her home during that time.

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