(Closed) Stay at home wife?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 92
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Thanks girls 🙂

Post # 93
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

As a counterpoint to “no one ever wished they’d worked more on their death bed”, I don’t know about death bed but I know plenty of people in late middle age and older who are … sad that they didn’t ‘achieve’ more in a way that was not directly related to other people.  Who feel they lost out on their potential and now don’t have the chance who harbor a lot of ‘what might have beens’.  People who wish they’d studied more etc. when they were young enough.  As you grow older your world can often shrink, I think it helps a lot if you have the confidence of having done something, excelled at something been an expert in something. If you don’t have it other people can become unhealthily important to you as your try to live your ambitions through them.

On the other side people who were workacholics often find themselves older and with no one who is close to them – which IMO is worse that being older with people who love you but not feeling like you’re done anything with your life except raise children.  But IMO neither is ideal.

To sum up, I think plenty of people die wishing they’d left more of a mark on the world. 

However meaningful volunteer work can do all the same things that work can do for you – getting paid for it doesn’t make it magically more fulfilling unless you need the money.

Post # 94
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If it works for your financial situation and it’s something you both want, then go for it.  Wish we had the same circumstances!

Post # 95
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I do agree with Arachna, my volunteeer work is so much more meaningful to me than my job right now. It’s still a relatively “new” thing for me but yes I can now say with certainty that I would love the opportunity to be a Stay-At-Home Wife and do this work instead of my career. Even if there was a hit to our lifestyle due to only one income.

And pink peppercorn you’re right, if other people don’t like it they can screw off!

I NEVER thought I’d say this, I used to be so into women being “independent” but if you’re with a guy you trust and you want to be a Stay-At-Home Wife, that’s a wonderful luxury and you’re contributing to the well-being of your household in a meaningful way.  In this culture I think we’ve gotten so into workaholic/achiever syndrome that the role of “homemaker” has been forgotten/downgraded. 

Post # 96
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I don’t think I could be a stay at home wife so to say! For a while I only worked about 15 hours a week before we were even engaged because we have lived together for almost 4 years, since my fiance has a well paying job and we financially set with me only working that much. However before I went to working the 15 hours I wasn’t working at all and I guess you could consider me a stay at home gf?? I absolutely hated it, in a way i’m glad that we tried and that I was able to realize how much staying home all day every day isn’t for me! Voluntering and working part time are what are best for me, and I think you def. would go stir crazy not voluntering!

Post # 97
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

And not go on and on about volunteering…but it’s so fulfilling once you find your “cause” and you know you’re doing valuable work that other’s can’t becuase they’re out working. And there’s not enough time and resources for so many good causes. 

Post # 98
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

I can only speak personally, but I only partially work for the financial fulfillment.  There are some who work in very meaningful fields or in ways that are meaningful to them.  I am one of those people and I can’t imagine ever choosing to give it up, short of possibly caring for an infant or a sick relative.  

I work in terminal oncology research at the PhD level and am very invested in this work.  Not only have I worked hard for the education and position, I believe that I am making an impact in the world.  I know that my efforts here are worth my time and I can’t imagine anything coming close to being as fulfilling.  

So, when I hear about people “find their passion” by quitting their job, I’m always very curious what they do for a living or how much they’ve invested in it.  Because, for me, I know that I’ve made the right choice and am doing worthwhile things with my time at work.

Post # 99
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think I could stay at home forever and I think even when/if I do stay home I will try to teach or work online or start up my own little thing.  But right now I think that both my husband and I might stay at home at different times when we need time away.  Home life is very important to us and honestly I feel burnt out and like I need to for a bit. 

I just finished up my PhD in something I was interested in and felt was worthwhile, switched labs to do a post-doc in something I was interested in but realize once I got here I don’t give two hoots about.  I honestly just want a break and figure out what I want.  During my PhD, even though I loved the topic, I worked too many hours and I’m starting to be at the point where even that, where I felt I was contributing meaningfully, is just a cog in the wheel that someone would do eventually, but my family is where I’m not just a cog and where I really matter so I need to make sure there’s quality time for them, and I think that might mean working part time or from home some.

Post # 100
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

ohnyc – I think a job like yours is one where you’d get a lot of fulfillment out of it b/c you are making a difference. But for someone like me who is a freakin secretary….yeah I’d rather be at home. Also if you were asked to do your job w/o getting paid would you do it? It sounds like part of the OP’s feeling is that she thinks in her volunteering she’s giving more than she would if she were being paid b/c they can hire someone else instead and they still get her, so its like 2 for the price of one.

Post # 101
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

@june42011 – no I wouldn’t choose to do my job for free, but I do volunteer for free in the field on my off time.  I care about the field and about people who are suffering with terminal illness.  But, I also need to have a job as I have education debt, a mortgage, and other adult financial responsibilities and goals.  

I know that not everyone works in a job or field that they feel invested in.  I do totally get that – and maybe being a secretary isn’t fulfilling enough.  But, for me personally, I have worked so hard to get where I am and have really valuable skills to offer.  I don’t plan to ever leave the workforce.  Now if I didn’t have skills to offer or didn’t have a professional passion, maybe I would feel differently.  

Post # 102
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think everyone is different. I know some people are Type “A” and really need lots of stuff on the go and to get out of the house and accomplish X, Y, Z. Some people have really rewarding careers that they love. However, I’m not a Type “A” at all and I’ve never been passionate about my work. I liked it most of the time, I took pride in doing it well, but that’s about it. I’ve worked all my adult life, but since I’ve gotten married, I’ve been a stay-at-home-wife and I love it. I do not miss working at all. I have two stepsons that we have about half the time, but they’re 10 and 13 and I don’t need to necessarily be at home for them all the time. But you know, taking care of the house and shopping and cooking and laundry and all the rest of it is actually pretty time consuming. I’ve certainly never felt bored or like I had nothing to do. I do some occasional freelance work from home, and I appreciate the extra $, but I don’t need it for fulfillment. I am taking care of my husband and my stepsons and our home. Three people’s lives are materially better because of ME. That is far more fulfilling than any other job I’ve ever had.

Post # 103
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@pink peppercorn- I like your post, and I really know how you feel and agree with what you are saying.  My best friend purposely had an “accidental child” (she planned it) so that she would never have to “work again.”  Fiance respects that I would never do that, but for other people, it seems to make it more legit that they don’t work.  I went to college, but I still don’t have the education I want to get the kind of job I would want- so- instead of having some low paying random job, Fiance is happy that I am not working.  I struggle with it, sometimes I feel bad or guilty, but he makes me feel better.  He doesn’t care what I do as long as I am happy.  I am a painter, and few things matter to me more than having the opportunity to paint when I want or need to- but I HATE dealing with others about it.  I am gaining more confidence, but ever since we moved here- it seems to be the first thing people ask- what you do for work. 

Post # 104
Member
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am a stay at home wife right now because I’m fresh out of college and still looking for a job. I have to say, its not for me! While DH is very supportive, I feel like I need to contribute financially. I also think it is important for women to establish themselves professionally in case something ever happens to their husband. It’s important to me to know that I can support myself even though I don’t need to. Still, I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with it if it works for you and you have considered all the implications.

Post # 105
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i have been unemployed since december, studying for and taking the bar exam. the bar has been done since late february and we went through a lot of changes after that (moving to a new city together, him starting a new job and me looking). i just got a job and will be going back to work tuesday morning and i couldnt be more excited. i was really depressed the first couple of months at home after the bar, stressed about results, unable to really do much because money was tight and just feeling worthless. it was tough. it got better though when FH and i moved in together and into a new city (ending our 3 year LDR). i have spent the past 6 weeks settling into our new home, running errands, shopping and taking care of everything for him while he started a new job. although it has gotten better because money is better and i had more to do it is still boring at times. i am ready to go back to work, make some money and use the 7 years of school i suffered through. luckily this will be the only time i am a stay at home fiance/wifre because my fabulous FH wants to be a stay at home dad and i say more power to him!

Post # 106
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

There are times when I REALLY wish I didn’t have to work.  Don’t get me wrong, I do like what I do, but when it gets extremely stressful the thought of staying home all day/every day sounds fab!

I know that eventually it would make me crazy so I would have to find something to do.  I think volunteering a few days a week is a great idea. I really believe that it is healthy for people to have some type of routine that gets them out of the house. 

I DREAM of being a stay at home MOM one day.  I know that its a very 1950’s way of thinking (as others have said), but it’s honestly what I think would make me very happy.  I do have a degree and have racked up some years of experience, so hopefully I can stay home till the kids (hopefully 2 kids) get older so that I could then work part-time while they are in school.

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