Post # 1
A new Bee here, but have read the boards for a long time. I’ve been in a serious long distance relationship for the last year and a half. My bf lives 3.5 hours away (he is in grad school and has about 1.5 year left).
He is almost 27 years old and has always felt like he can’t tell his uber conservative mom/family the truth with the simplest things (ie goign to a bar, girlfriend staying the weekend). I used to have a very good relationship with the entire family (even though I thought his mom was a little too involved and controlling, she hadn’t done anything to me yet). Well almost a year ago, Boyfriend or Best Friend lied to his mother about me coming to stay the weekend with him and his mother, grandmother, and aunt drove 3.5 hours to see if he was lying. We were in a bar when he got phone call that said, “I gave you and your girlfriend the opportunity to tell me the truth and you didn’t and that I needed to leave.”
Keep in mind, this was about midnight and we had been drinking for a couple of hours. His mother knowingly kicked me out of his apartment with no place to go in a large city after I had been drinking. (I am well aware that he should have never let me leave). Moving forward, we are here a year later and his mom has since told him “it’s her or us” and refuses to apologize for anything.
She is a total enabler of a mother and I’m not entirely sure that I can ever forget and have a genuine relationship with her. I feel like bf and I can’t move forward in our relationship because of these issues with his family.
Should I end this now and move on or continue to push him to resolve these issues?
Post # 3
@SouthernBell0628: is this the type of family that you want to marry into?? there’s your answer.
Post # 4
Wow. I don’t even know what to tell you. I’m just shocked that he wouldn’t stand up to his mother in that situation and allowed her to kick you out of his home. Seriously?? That would’ve been the end of it for me.
Post # 5
It wasn’t the mother that kicked you out at that hour with nowhere to go, it was your Boyfriend or Best Friend. He made his choice and I would have made mine.
Post # 6
My SO is also in grad school, also 27. We both have parents who are very involved in our lives, but, there was no lying about us being together, EVER. We live together, both of our parents know, they are both on board and know what is up.
We are relatively fortuante to be independent somewhat financially and we do not use them as a crutch, so maybe this has a BIG part to do with why his mother has control? It’s odd to me that his mother would come and find you with her sisters (or his father sisters?), what is THAT about?
I share a bit about my story to let you know that not all 27 year old grad students live under their parents thumb! How long is this control going to go on, and how is it going to affect your life? And do you want it to affect your life?
PS…His mom doesn’t HAVE to like that you two were staying together. If you had been drinking and had planned to stay, if anything, I can see her enforcing you staying on his couch or something but kicking you out? It’s not too much about if your Boyfriend or Best Friend should have let you stay but where is her decency as a parent…I mean, you are someone’s kid too! UGH!
Good luck and hugs to you!
Post # 7
@mypinkshoes: I used to want to be apart of his family and definitely saw myself marrying into that family. Now I am very concerned about boundaries.
@jny1179: His family has cut him off financially and have “attempted” to take his vehicle. They are trying to make his life miserable on top of being in a very hard medical program. I feel like they are trying to break him so he will bend and conform to what they want.
When it is just him and I- things are great, better than great. But family is family and they aren’t going anywhere.
Post # 8
@SouthernBell0628: So is his apartment and car paid for by them? I mean I’m not knocking being helped out by parents, especially when in a difficult schooling program, but if it’s causing all of these issues it might be time for him to consider other options. Just out of curiosity, is there a cultural connection to his parents behavior?
Post # 9
I don’t feel like it’s worth it. This is something you will have for the rest of your life. You will never have a chance to have your own life and make your own decisions. Do you want to have that forever? What about kids? = I dunno. I wouldn’t stay. But that’s just me.
Post # 10
@jny1179: The apartment is paid for by school (and sometimes I have paid for it so he doesn’t have to ask his mom for money while he’s waiting on school money to come in). His car is probably still being paid for by his parents (not really sure).
We both come from the same conservative church background ( we grew up in the bible belt). I think the financial piece of this is the biggest reason why they feel like they have so much control. I am pushing him to be financially independent (without me). I have a career, house, and do not rely on anyone financially.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
The real question is whether he puts your first or his family’s demands first. Obviously he put them first in the example you gave. Is that still the case? If so, I’d bail. If not, it won’t be easy, but you can deal with them as a partnership knowing that you always have each other’s backs.
For me, it would really come down to his behavior and who he prioritizes. (Not who he SAYS is most important, but what his actions show.)
Sorry you’re dealing with this :/
Post # 12
@veryberry13: I agree with you in regards to the financial crutch. His mom is still dependent upon her mother in a lot of ways. She wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for her mom and sister. They are ALWAYS togehter. They work together every day and then go to dinner together. It’s like a flock of birds.
From my perspective, its cycle- his mom heavily relys on her mom and she wants him to rely on her.
Post # 13
@lolot: It’s taken a while but he is prioritizing me before them. He will come into town and only see me. They know he is home, but not to see them. He is distancing himself, and trying to become more independent. He took himself of their phone plan and a few other things. I think the real test will be the holidays.
Post # 14
@SouthernBell0628: You should have dumped him there and then. Sorry but a 27 year old that lets his mother kick his girlfriend out into the night on her own is not a man.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
I think you need to leave to find an actual grown man to date. He’s 27 for crying out loud, he’s had nearly a decade to mature enough to make his own rules about who stays in his home and not have to worry about his MOM being legally able to take his car from him. A few years after turning 18 is fine to rely on your parents while you get on your feet, but 27 is pushing it. At that point your mom’s wishes should simply be suggestions rather than rules.
Post # 16
@SouthernBell0628: I saw where you mentioned to a different poster about you having a career and a house, and clearly you are not dependent on your family. It’s got to be hard for you to be as independent as you are and see him have his family as a crutch that will always be in his life like this.
You haven’t mentioned anything about your SO’s father–Why is that? Is there a divorce or a death that is enabling the mom to be dependent on her family and son like this?
If you want this relationship to work, I’d at least sit down and talk with your SO. Ask him specific questions about how long he thinks that things will be like this for-and how does he envision life with his future wife and kids? If his mom gets older is he going to put her in a home or want him to live with her? I’d write out a list of questions, write down your answers, then maybe put a star next to the non-negotiable things you see for your future with or without him in it. If you two are not on the same page about things, then it might be time to cut your losses. If he is willing to bend or can’t stand his life the way it is, maybe he can claim residency in a different state and that would help to allieviate a LOT of you stress if you are willing to move.