(Closed) Stay or Go?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh my! That sounds terrible. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

I think that it is very wise of you to seek an apartment for yourself. Sure, he does pay the bills and work a lot during the week, and should be allowed his downtime, but you also live their too and it clearly seems like he is not taking into consideration how you feel about this situation, and I think the cousin might be hindering your guys ability to communicate properly about it.

This is a big step moving out, and he’ll probably realize what a mistake he is making after the fact, so I suggest that you sign a short lease if you intend on staying with him (which I do not judge you for. Sometimes guys need a little kick in the pants. Wink) Worst case scenario, you can resign it later 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 5
178 posts
Blushing bee

I am SO sorry you are going through this!  Personally, I would move out.  Especially if they are keeping you up at night when you need to work the next day.  The fact that he said he doesn’t care if you hate the situation or want to leave is a BIG red flag and I would be very worried.  You are definitely not the failure, its sounds that lately HE has been failing YOU.  Do you really want to marry into this and possibly be stuck with it for quite some time, especially when you don’t know if the cousin is going to move out within two weeks or maybe not even two years?  If you don’t feel comfortable moving out then try stopping cleaning the house, any cooking or laundry you may do for them, etc (the only concession I would make is making sure the dog is fed and taken care of).  Take care of yourself and let them fend for themselves.  If he actually picks up that he needs to correct his behavior reward his good behavior and ignore them and go out with friends, etc when he doesn’t.

I hope things get better for you!!  Hopefully this is just isolated and he’ll go back to being the great guy you knew, otherwise let him go and find someone who values you more than video games.

Post # 6
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

@SimplyOrganic: I think that is a wise choice as well. Nobody likes a waffler!

The only other thing that I would add – and this is just a personal preference because I like to beat the dead horse  – is to try and really have a sitdown talk with him alone before signing a lease.

Good luck!

Post # 7
4824 posts
Honey bee

@SimplyOrganic: I would say “play it by ear” about breaking it off. You can move out and tel him you need for him to demonstrate his love and dedication to the relationship by dating you again. To show that you are appreciated and once he can do that (if) you can talk about how to make sure this situation won’t arise again.

He may decide he doesn’t want to do it or he may realize you are serious (I suspect he doesnt think you would actually leave) and he will get his act together.

Post # 8
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with sleepingbeauty88, in that you should sit down and try to have one more serious discussion with him before you sign a lease. Calmly explain how you feel, and let him know you are looking at apartments and plan to move out. Maybe it will scare him into taking a reality check, and if it does, you could try to move on from there. If it doesn’t, stick to your guns and move out. 

I also just wanted to mention that although at 24 you may feel like it’s hard to start over, the reality is you have your whole life ahead of you, and 24 is still really young. If you are unhappy, don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Post # 9
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

OHH. You are SO young to be worried about meeting someone to get married to! Move out and date and meet someone who isn’t rude to you. Best of luck!

Post # 10
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just gauging by your feelings in this post…I think you know you should move out, but you’re scared. And it IS SCARY.  But…time will pass, and you’ll have your own feelings and thoughts and maybe ultimately you will get back together, but I think 24 is a perfect age to be on your own and figure out what you want for you at the very least.  I’m so sorry it has come to this…try to focus on the good that can come out of it, I know it’s hard.

Post # 11
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, that’s bad. I think, before you do something serious, you should try talking to him calmly and not in the heat of the moment – away from the cousin. I think if he knew that you are really serious about leaving, he would care. He probably is so stuck in “i’m right” mode, that he couldn’t possibly conceive of you being so mad that it is worth leaving over…

Post # 12
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I know I couldn’t put up with the constant video games and SO who wouldn’t talk – on the other hand, I know my friends with gamer husbands know that the game ‘outlet’ is just that – an outlet for stress and frustration.

If it’s not possible to compromise, however – meaning, have nights that are just for the two of you, then I you really aren’t leaving much of a relationship (you know what I mean)?  I know the feelings and the hope and desire are there – but if it’s really as bad as you describe, then he’s really not much of a partner at all and you guys are just sharing a roof.

I’m also curious why it’s all or nothing (meaning move out and break up).  I think moving out would be a very wise thing for your to do.  DON’T let the financial stretch scare you out of it.  YOU CAN DO IT.  It IS possible – make it happen!  But, I also think the space will make the relationship more clear to him – meaning, if he wants to see you and be with you, he has to make it a priority.  I can understanding just wanting to cut your losses all together, but perhaps not making such a drastic change all at once (moving out and breaking up) will be easier to do?

I can kind of understand why your SO flipped out on you telling him he needed to go to bed.  Yes, he did NEED to go to bed if he was sick – but can you see how he could feel smothered/mothered by that too?  I do find it super annoying that he can’t have a conversation with you about it.  Communication is so important for the health of a relationship, IMO – no one is perfect at it, but if your partner isn’t willing to, then you don’t have a lot to work with.

Sorry you are going through this.  AND – DO NOT allow yourself to believe you are a failure because you aren’t engaged.  I know it’s hard seeing everyone around you couple up – but you are SO YOUNG!!! and have your entire life ahead of you.  I know it’s scary to think about being alone – but it can also be wonderful and empowering and is often never permanent.  The scary feelings don’t last much longer (past the initial leap), in my experience.  

Post # 13
222 posts
Helper bee

Honestly I think your last two paragraphs said it all. Sounds to me like you know it would be best to move out. I understand how heartbreaking it is, but if it were me I would move out. You don’t deserve to be treated that way, actions speak louder than words.

Post # 14
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you have a good head on your shoulders, though you’re rightfully shaken up by what he said.


I agree that finding another apartment is a smart move. However, if it does act as a “kick in the pants” like a pp had said, i would hesitate to move back in with him at this point in time.


How long is his cousin supposed to be living there? There is a difference between needing a place to stay temporarily and staying indefinitely.


I also agree with others about talking to him again prior to moving out, but I don’t know that it would make me stay in the house with him and his cousin. I’m not saying that i would necessarily break up with him, though a break to catch my breath and clear my mind would definitely help if it were me.


My FH had issues with video gaming interfering with daily life. If you’d like to chat more, feel free to PM me.


Take care.

Post # 15
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh goodness.. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to get yourself out of that house. You are being used, abused and disrespected and need to be in a positive environment. Also, your SO needs to see firsthand what life is like without you. I wouldn’t actually break up with him, I’d just tell him that the living situation isn’t working and you need some space, but after you’ve already signed a lease and moved out while he was at work (so you don’t change your mind).

Good luck and hopefully he will come around once he realizes how awful he’s being! 🙁

Post # 16
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

This may be a dumb question but why does he get furious when you talk about the cousin getting his own place?  Is it because he feels awkward asking or because he likes and wants to coninue the present arrangement?

On the one hand, he’s (supposedly) a grown man and if he wants to stay up all night playing video games, he’s the one who will suffer the consequences the next day.  On the other hand, I personally really prize snuggling up with my husband at night and sleeping next to him – its part of intimacy – and then theres the issue of them keeping YOU up when you need to sleep.

At a bare minimum they should be considerate enough not to keep you awake and not treat you like the maid.  I also moved past the stage of wanting or tolerating roommates a looooonnnnngggg time ago. 

How has your SO reacted to your sleeping in the guest room?

I agree with the others that you should make an effort to work it out but it sounds like you’ve tried talking and he just gets angry.  Maybe he needs a wake up call to make him realize how serious this issue is for you.  See how he reacts to your letter.  Good luck.

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