(Closed) Staying friends with the ex

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Well it sounds like your SO is a little weirded out by the level and frequency of communication. I would tell him that it if strikes him as inappropriate or makes him feel uncomfortable, he should either stop responding to those texts and calls or ask him if he wants to verbally set boundaries with her. I think you should continue to support him and if he sees merit in this friendship then he should by all means continue to communicate with her, but remind him that friendships shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. 

Post # 5
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What in the CRAP – she undressed in front of him??  Hell to the no.  Your man needs to set some boundaries!!  YES I would be addressing this! 

Let me tell you a little story.  I was cool like you when I started dating my husband.  We had been friends for 10 years.  When we started dating, he had just broken up with his ex of 6.  And blah blah blah, same thing.  Friends and family couldn’t stand her, but he was still friends with her (does that make ANY sense if the relationship was not good? Think about it).  At any rate, I really did not care.  But then I realized they were still talking a lot & about some personal things.  I tried to rationalize that 6 years is just a long time to just let go of someone…and it is.  But there’s a reason why you break up, you know.

Long story short, she would ask him to change the oil on her car still & eventually they went to a car show together and ended up kissing.

I dumped his ass and said no fucking mas.  Now, if I were smart, I would have set that boundary long before that.

Kicker was I lived 1,200 miles away from them.  Hubby left 2 months later and came to my state.  Had he not done that, I would have been dunzo.  Talk to him, ASAP.

ETA: He never talked to her again after that.  You break up to, you know, get away from each other.  Not to talk about your private parts!

Post # 6
Member
3350 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like your SO really doesn’t want to continue a friendship with her anyway, so I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable talking to him about it. Maybe tell him that it seems he doesn’t want the friendship, and the way she is acting feels disrepectful to you and your relationship, and that maybe it’s time for him to move on from having contact with her. If you make it clear that you trust him, but that clearly she doesn’t have your or his best interests in mind, I would think he’d understand!

Post # 7
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

I think your SO needs to be up front with her and tell her to quit contacting him. Or he needs to stop responding to texts/calls, etc from her. The more he responds the more she will continue to contact him…and the more involved you will get because you will start getting angry.

Best he cuts ties from her completely if he really is ready to move on

Post # 8
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This sounds very similar to my FI’s ex. He broke up with her because she treated him like shit, was emotionally abusive/maniuplative, and cheated on him, but continued to stay friends with her after (helped her move, took her out to dinner, etc.), which I found really weird. Half of his friends loved her and the other half hated her–some of his family is still friends with her, which really bothers me, because they obviously don’t know what a psycho she is.

Because this is such a new relationship, you’ll have to be careful how you approach this. He really needs to set boundaries with her. He is not her go-to anymore, and until he tells her to stop, she’s going to continue doing so. 

Post # 10
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissCalifornia:  Same here.  And I wasn’t either.  Then she called one day saying how much her family missed him and bringing up old times, knowing that she would get to him.  If she’s manipulative like you say, and he’s already falling for it you cannot rule out the possibility.

I did like a total fool.  And we had been together for 8 months by then.  I’m not saying he will (and I hope he doesn’t!) I’m just warning to not follow my foolish footsteps and definitely do something about this now.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
7437 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would not be okay with this. I think it’s good that he seems weirded out by the amount and type of communication happening, but both of you need to realize that him staying in touch with her benefits NOBODY in this situation (except for possibly his ex). It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t have friends that she can talk to about issues, that should be her problem, not you and your new SO’s. She is clearly pulling at him by talking to him about emotional things, nothing good can come of that.

Post # 13
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@MissCalifornia:  I find it really weird that he would want to remain friends with someone who treated him so badly. What is there left to salvage? What is worth holding on to in this friendship?

i ended a bad relationship with a compulsive liar. He begged for us to stay friends – I said ‘no way’, there were no qualities in him that I’d look for in a friend. He treated me like crap, he lied, what sort of a basis is that for a friendship?

You could ask him why he wants to hang on to a friendship with her, just from the fact that she treated him like crap when they were together. It might make him think. He seems to be her emotional booty call. Telling him about her abnormal pap is a bit weird. I’ve been through the same thing 3 times. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not a death sentence. But it seems like she wants him to be there for her, or is trying to evoke some sympathy from him. It’s pretty obvious to me that she is trying to win him back with desperate attempts. He needs to draw the line somewhere. 

Post # 14
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2018

From my own experience I would definitely address it sooner than later. I think it is wonderful that you trust him. However, i can’t imagine that as you two get closer and even more committed that this wouldn’t start to drive a bit of a wedge between you. That is extremely inappropriate for her to feel comfortable enough to undress in front of him, and although I applaud him for standing up and saying somethng to her, if she is aware that he has a girlfriend, out of respect for you that should have never happened. All I know from my own experience is that with the crazy ex that can’t let go, it only gets worse as you two get closer, and I would hate to see you in a situation where I am, engaged, then not engaged over constant contact with the ex who has now become blatantly disrespectful to me. The quicker this is nipped, the better it will be for your relationship to have a chance to blossom to its full potential.

Post # 16
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s up to him to set the boundaries.  It sounds like he isn’t a fan of what she’s doing, but he’s the only one that can stop it.  It’s always best to address concerns early on in a relationship and set the standards for what you will and will not tolerate.  Let him know you find it inappropriate and it makes you uncomfortable that she doesn’t seem to have appropriate boundaries.  Don’t be afraid to be honest and say – while you don’t want to tell him who he can and cannot talk to – this isn’t a situation you’re able to handle long term.

If he chooses her over you then at least you know that early on before you guys get too serious…

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