Post # 1
This is a vent post. I need to get out my thought but I really don’t want to talk to anyone in my life about this at this point in time.
I met my Fiance when I was in my very early 20s. We moved in together very fast. I went straight from living with my parents to living with Fiance, who has already experienced living on his own + with other women for many years at that point. He was already in an established career (I was not and still trying to find myself) and had gone to college. I never got to live on my own or try to set up a life for myself.
My guy and I have been in a relationship and living together for about 7 years now. I love him and I do not want to break up with him. But I do think I want to move out.
I feel like I missing a big part of being an adult. Every since we’ve been together, I’ve revolved my work and schedules around him. Right now I’m looking for a job, but I feel like I’m trapped in looking wherever he wants to move (we are moving because he needs to move for his work). I do not like where we are going to move since I have a disability and it’s going to be extremely hard for me to be mobile. He is not happy about this either and plans to help me as much as possible, which is sweet, but I don’t think it will be enough or that I will be happy. Let alone being forced to find a job there.
I feel like now would be a good time to move into the bigger city where I have access to much better public transportation and I would have a lot more opportunities to find a full-time job in the industry I’d like to hopefully make a career in. It’s also the only place in the entire area that would accomodate my main hobby. I’ve brought up living together in this city and was flat-out rejected at it being too expensive (meaning Fiance – as awesome as he is – does not want to go without certain luxuries to make so we could afford it). I’ve previously had other accomodations set up for us but Fiance rejected it.
I love him and out relationship is on the whole healthy and happy and good. But I feel our whole relationship, I have been the one to follow him around and help make his dreams happen, and now is the time where I can make my dreams happen, without hindering his. I know a lot of people may feel like this is weird, but I honestly think this could work.
That is, if he agrees. I haven’t even brought this up to him yet. I know this won’t be easy, but I do think it might be right. And it won’t be forever.
Has anyone else done something similar?
Post # 2
I haven’t been through this but I’m a firm believer in living your best life and doing what makes you happy. If you’ve already made ideal plans in your head of what you want your life to look then I think you’re already halfway there. The only thing stopping you is your Boyfriend or Best Friend not being flexible enough to make choices that work for BOTH of you. I watched my best friend make choices based on her BFs job and wants and she ended up wasting 4 years of her life regretting it now because they broke up. I think you should have a serious heart to heart with him and let him know you don’t feel like you’re living the life you want to the fullest potential. You guys may work out or you might even find someone better after being able to explore life by yourself.
Post # 3
I have seen this work out for married couples, two couples actually.
Both involved one spouse moving away for work reasons.
One did it for two years, before the wife got another job to move to where her husband was.
The other has been doing it for a few months.
You should talk to him, but would probably need to see if you plan to move back in together again in a couple of years.
Post # 4
Thank you. I agree that either scenario can probably only be for the best. It will either improve our relationship, or let us move on from each other.
Post # 5
I’m hoping we could make arrangements after a year or two to move back in together (ideal scenario) once I have secured a job and once he is done with university (he want back to get another degree since he’s changed careers).
Post # 6
I think you laid out your thoughts really well and very reasonably here. I think you should start by saying more or less the same thing to your Fiance. See where the conversation takes you from there…
Post # 7
Agree with PP that you should communicate essentially everything that you’ve said her to your SO. That being said, I think that you should move to this city and pursue your dreams regardless of what your SO’s final decision is. This is your ONE life.
My best friend was in a similar situation with her ex, who she was with for 7 years. Her dream was to be a lawyer, but in order to go to law school she would have to move to another province. This was a hard ‘No’ in his books. She settled for being a paralegal (Which is a great career! Just not HER dream). Anyway long story short after all that time together she woke up one day, after years in her field and applied & later got into law school. Her and her SO broke up as a result, we moved her to the other province and she’s now living her best life and on the way to becoming a boss lady. I could go on & on because i’m so proud lol! But like i said OP this is your life and you need to do what’s going to make you happy.
Post # 8
my friend moved out on her boyfruend and didnt break up. The circumstances were different (he was a man child that she was done supporting and this was the motivation he needed to grow up) but now they are married!
Post # 9
I have known a few couples who stopped living together and the relationship didn’t end. Maybe your relationship will survive this, maybe not. However it certainly sounds like you have done a lot of compromising for his sake, and he’s not willing to meet you halfway.
I think you should do it. Go experience the life you want. If the relationship ends, it won’t doom you to spinsterhood.
Post # 10
I think you sound really grounded and your thinking sounds well thought out. I vote that you go for it and also, be prepared for the additional work/effort associated with remaining in relationship when you do not live with your SO.
My husband and I do not live together full time. We’ve been together 11 years and married for almost 2 and we share a child. We only live together for 1/2 of the week. It takes some adjusting to navigate our individual lives and other people are really confused by it but, over all, it works well for us. Our homes are about an hour apart.
How far apart would you be and how often would you see each other? If you can have some clear conversations (now and also while you’re living apart), it’s very doable.
Post # 11
I agree with PP that you should have the conversation with your S.O. but still move and work on building your career. One of my close friends has been doing what you’re doing – moving with her S.O. and focusing solely on him and even though she won’t admit it, it’s obvious that it’s taken a toll on her. I think it’s awesome that you’re planning to focus on you and wish you the best of luck!
It also seems like your S.O. wouldn’t be living that far away? Is he in a suburb of the city you want to live in? I think it’s pretty ridiculous that he won’t compromise if he can commute to his job from there and you have better opportunities and a better ability to be independant.