(Closed) STD then no invite?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, you are right that its not the correct thing to do.  We actually have a group of "non-STD" people – some more casual friends and work friends – who we purposely didn’t send Save-The-Date Cards even though we were seriously thinking about inviting them, just because we could see ourselves changing our minds (which is pretty bad too, I admit).

You can always send invitations and they might RSVP negatively, which lets you off the hook (and is maybe likely, if you really don’t see them anymore).  Are a couple of people one way or the other really going to make a big difference?  All etiquette aside, here’s the thing:  If you don’t send them invitations, and then you run into them somewhere and they say "Hey, I was really looking forward to your wedding, I thought your STD said it was in June, what happened?"  Are you going to feel really bad?  Are you going to have no problem telling them that you just changed your mind about inviting them?  Are you gong to have to hide behind something every time you see them in the grocery store, or at a party, or in Starbucks? 

Post # 4
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I know it’s completely not kosher, but I totally did this to a couple of people. They were marginal friends only and one lives on the other side of the country from me. I figure if it ever comes up, I’ll just look surprised and say it must have gotten lost in the mail and that explains why we didn’t get an RSVP from them. If they ask why we didn’t call them to find out if they were coming, I’ll just say that we were so busy right before the wedding that we didn’t end up getting to call everyone. I must be feeling guilty though if I’ve thought this much about what I would do!!!!!!!

FYI: totally not advocating the practice, just sharing exeriences.

Post # 5
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2008 - United Methodist Cathedral & historic downtown hotel in Cleveland

Nope, you should send them an invitation.  You can’t ask someone to save the date on their calendar, only to change your mind.

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

yeah i’m considering doing something like that too.. instead i feel guilty of getting addresses early and not sending them an STD or already sent Save-The-Date Cards but we just don’t see each other at all or talk enough to warrant an invitation.  It was more out of obligation to send to them and I went through the list million times to only want close ppl.  I don’t want to feel I have to chit chat during my wedding but when it comes down to it; I just want to have ppl that I talk to more there with me.

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

If you really don’t want to invite them, I’d say you’ve gotta suck it up and tell them that you can’t invite them after all. 

"We had some unexpected expenses, and had to cut the budget, etc etc, terribly sorry, let’s go out to dinner afterwards."

Be prepared for the person to be hurt, but it’s better than just avoiding the situation.  That’d be like breaking up with someone by just not talking to them anymore

Post # 8
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Peihan, you have some serious cojones!  But you’re right, it is absolutely the right thing to do.  Its just much easier to do what bonniebell did – and I would be so tempted.  I love your "invitation lost in the mail" excuse!  (What?  It happens!!)

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Hehe thanks, suzanno.  Luckily, I haven’t had to do something like that before, so I can’t actually claim said cojones [yet]   Most likely I’d feel so bad that I’d go to great lengths to be able to invite them anyway, but that’s not helpful advice, so…

Post # 10
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I’m in a similar situation but it’s moreso that there are people we have told would be invited and now I’m feeling like I don’t want to invite them anymore.

Is it ok to not send an invitation to someone who you have verbally mentioned was invited?

I know this sounds really bad, but I think we got caught up in the wedding and when we’re talking about to people sometimes we just spit it out….only to later realize we had no intention to invite them 🙂

Post # 11
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with Peihan17

Post # 12
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

You must call them.  Use Peihan’s script.  And bonniebelle – you 100% must call them – any out of town guests may have started to make arrangements.  Since we’ve moved away from most our friends, every wedding equals 4 expenses: airfare, hotel, my outfit, and gift.  We do not want all 4 of these on the same credit card statement!  So, one month we buy the plane tickets, one month we buy the present, one month I find myself a lovely dress and justify the expense, and finally the month of the wedding we pay for the hotel (most hotels usually don’t charge until you stay there, so this has to be saved for last).  I actually know people in California who received a STD for a wedding in Rhode Island – and never received an invitation – but had already taken care of airfare.  You MUST personally call everyone who received a STD and say that for various reasons you are having a small, intimate wedding with family only and though you really had hoped they could celebrate your special day with you, you are now having a much smaller fete than when you sent the Save-The-Date Cards.  And I would make this call as soon as you know you aren’t inviting them so you they don’t make plans.  

Post # 13
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

i think i would rather suck it up and invite these guests who received the STD’s.  do you really want to go through the awkwardness and embarrassment of telling them that they are no longer invited?

 

Post # 14
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

If you sent them a STD, then you really should send them an invite to the wedding.  If you’ve really grown apart as much as you say you have, then chances are, they’ll decline to the invite anyway.

MsB:  If you only verbally mentioned the wedding and them getting an invite, then no, you absolutely do not have to invite them.  (especially if there was alcohol involved)  That’s much more easily explained away after the fact, then not inviting someone you already sent a STD card.

Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I agree with Dahlia.  From your post you *may* have lost touch with these STD guests – but is it b/c you are busy and they are as well?  And the new non STD guests – are you closer to them now because of geographic proximity?  I feel that some guests on my list should not be there but i have FAITH that when the day comes, I will be happy to see them.  It’s like that phrase – go with your first instincts its usually right.  So when you first made the STD list these guests must have meant something to you despite the drifting away feeling that you currently have.  I hope that helps.

Post # 16
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

You should invite them.  Sending a save the date is just short of receivign a formal invitation.  People may have said not to another engagement already because of your wedding.

If you drifted apart during that time they will most likely say no.  They probably won’t want to spend the money on a gift, travel etc for someone they have lost touch with and will decline.

If you just verbally invited them it is not as much of an issue.  This happens a lot and then the guest list has to shrink….but most people finalized the guest list before sendign the save the dates or kept some people on reserve just in case.

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