(Closed) STD…and not as in save the date…

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
7383 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

How is everything else in your relationship?  If all else is well, then I think you need to stop dwelling on this.  He did not do this on purpose and you both should have checked to make sure you were both in the clear.  Has your doctor told you you have any long term damage, or are you just letting your imagination run wild?  I think this is something an otherwise-strong couple ought to be able to get over.  Four years is a long time to let something like this affect your life.

Post # 4
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Only you know if this is something you can get past or not. Since you are still feeling this way 4 years later, you may need to accept that you can’t forgive him and move on.

Really, I don’t see why you blame your Fiance for this. He didn’t even know that he had an STD because his ex lied to him. It’s not like he went out and cheated on you. In hindsight, yea both of you should have been tested before having unprotected sex. But BOTH of you decided not to, so an unknown STD is part of the risk unfortunately.

Post # 5
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

{{{hugs}}} so sorry you are feeling awful and betrayed.  :(.


Did your Fiance have any symptoms before you did? Could he have known, or are you upset he didn’t actually get tested before you had sex?  When you fear permanent damage, what does your gynocologist say about that? 

Is there something else he’s done that’s made you fel like he is untrustworthy?  

Ugh, sorry again you are dealing with this.

Post # 7
12973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is something else in the relationship bothering you?  It seems to me like you can’t move on from this.  your Fiance was lied too as well…so you’re punsihing him for something he didn’t even do.  He was probably hurt by your decision to end a relationship over consequences (albeit serious ones) of his being lied to.  It’s a sucky situation all around, butyour Fiance isn’t to blame.  either move on, or figure out whast else is bothering you.

Post # 8
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why are you really angry with him? He was cheated on, it happens. I mean I’m sorry I’m sure it was scary to go through, but 4 years later it’s time to move on or dump him if you can’t get over it. It’s not like he went out looking to get you an STD because he was cheating and careless. You had control over making sure he was tested as well before you had unprotected sex, there is only so much blame to be thrown here.

Post # 9
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

OK so first, I get that you’re hurt and that you feel upset by what happened.  However – I don’t think that you can blame him.  If you didn’t ask him to get tested, and he was in what he thought was a good relationship for 8 yrs where his loving gf wouldn’t have been a cheater…why would he assume that he had an STD?  If he had zero symptoms and was totally in the dark about the slutty gf, how could he have known?

You said yourself that it was totally curable, meaning you are no longer infected – I think that you need to try and get over this whole situation.  Leaving your Fiance for something like this that also happened years ago would be a mistake I think. 

I also think you should do a little research on the amount of people who get STD’s.  I myself have never had one, but I know people who have.  You’re not the only person here who has had one, and you’re lucky it was the curable kind.  I think you need to try to stop feeling bad about yourself now that you’ve gone through this.  Good luck – sometimes forgetting is hard, but if you really love him and this is the only thing that makes you think you should leave, I think you should talk to someone and reconsider.

Post # 10
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I fear that this infection has left me with permanent damage

This seems like something easily addressed by a conversation with your doctor. No reason to live in uncertainty about it.

Also – Save-The-Date Cards seem really scary, but with the exception of HIV and herpes, they’re not much different than any other kind of infection. You wouldn’t be mad at your Fiance if he accidentally gave you strep throat before he knew he had it, would you?  How is this any different?

Post # 11
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@bluehydrangeas:  First: Go to your doctor and discuss your fertility. See what they can determine. Second: Seek counseling to hash out your feelings. Try to keep in mind that Save-The-Date Cards are sneaky little devils, and people don’t know they have them all the time. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you, and I think it’s important to remember that. It’s also important to remember that you do not have this STD any longer. Do chat with your doctor. You might have other issues independent of STD, and you might be harboring resentment for no reason. If anything, resent the cheating ex-girlfriend. Try to redirect your anger, if you can not get rid of it.

Post # 12
1030 posts
Bumble bee

i have to agree with @msfahrenheit that it wasn’t his fault. you say he “had the nerve to endanger your health” but he had no reason to believe he wasn’t clean. if he was with his ex for 8 years, why wouldn’t he think he was anything but clean?

if you want to be so harsh on him, you have to be harsh on yourself as well. you were vigilant about your health, and you didn’t request he get one – so why is it his fault entirely if he didn’t know? it wasn’t as though it was done on purpose – it was an accident.

i got an STD when i was younger. luckily a cureable one, and i caught it straight away. but it was no one’s fault but my own – i should have been more careful. sure it was embarrassing but i dealt with it. does my SO know about it? hell no. why should he need to know? it happened long before i met him, i got thoroughly checked out when we started seeing each other, and it was embarrassing enough to go through the first time, let alone bring it up again.

there seems to be something more to this story than you’re letting on. have these feelings come back recently? if you thought you’d gotten over it – why do you think you feel strongly about it again? to say he had the ‘nerve’ really gives the impression that you’re still VERY angry about this, and it just seems to be quite an odd reaction to have after so long into this relationship.

Post # 13
46380 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you are harboring unnecessary anger towards him.

You did not ask him to be tested before you had unprotected intercourse.

He likely never even knew he was infected. There are many STD’s or STI’s that cause symptoms for women but litle or no symptoms at all for men.

Time to accept your own responsibility for what happened, stop blaming him, get over it and move on.


Post # 15
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@bluehydrangeas:  Is there a way to know for sure if PID is actually what’s going on? How soon would you know? 

It’s ok to mourn for your health. It’s natural, and it’s a grief process, which includes anger. Just be sure to find healthy ways to channel it. Definitely seek a good therapist who can help you navigate your way through all those feelings. You won’t feel so alone either. Try not to freak out though until you are 100% sure it’s PID.

Post # 16
1030 posts
Bumble bee

okay, i’m guessing at what you had here due to your last update, and it’s virtually impossible for men to know they have it – so i would really try and do your best to not be angry at your Fiance about this, although i know it must be an upsetting thing for you to have to deal with.

hopefully (doesn’t sound like the right word here) if you’ve got pelvic inflammatory disease you’ll have caught it early on and it may not have damaged your fertility just yet.

i wish you the best of luck and really hope things go okay with you!

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