(Closed) Stealthy Update

posted 9 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have never gone through a miscarriage….but have had many hardships in my life.  I just wanted of offer you (((hugs))) during this time. 

Post # 4
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sent a pm. Hugs!

Post # 5
809 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Aww sweetie.  I’ve been through it and although each woman is different, I was able to start healing as soon as I stopped feeling guilty (which was really, really hard!) I’d punish myself for the miscarriage, then punish myself for abandoning things around the house and people around me, then punish myself for feeling sad and even punish myself for those moments when I was briefly happy. 

At some point I let go of the guilt and slowly started forcing myself to do things that I enjoyed and slowly things started to fall back into place. 

Post # 6
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I really struggled with almost everything you outlined too. The good news is, it will get better. I know it doesn’t feel like it today, but it will. The bad news is, even when it doesn’t monopolize your life, it can sneak up and really sting out of no where again:( 

I think there is a really fine line between allowing yourself to mourn a tragic event (and this is one) and letting yourself slip into a place where you feel helpless/hopeless. How long has it been since your loss? I’m sure that a psychiatrist will tell you that it is natural to feel down about the MC.  My advice would be this:

Tell DH about your feelings of guilt and let him know that you acknowledge that these areas of your life arent being “tended to” like they normally are. For me, it made me feel betterthat DH knew that I KNEW things were off…. I’m sad, not blind:).Secondly, to let yourself be sad about the loss but try to re-frame your feelings of guilt about it. My doctor told me that short of throwing yourself down stairs or taking hard core drugs, most miscarriages can’t be prevented- its nothing we do, or it’s not about how we feel about the pregnancy, or what we THINK that caused this. Last, make the gym a priority. Even if you go and just get dressed and leave, you’ll work up to working out again. The exercise WILL help your mood- it will! I only started feeling markedly better when I started running again. 

I wish you the best and hope that you are able to start seeing the light at the end of this terrible tunnel:( No one should ever have to feel the way you feelbought now, but the spirit is resilient and I have found that I am able to overcome more than I thought I would be able to. Always feel free to PM me- you’re in my thoughts:)

Post # 7
1484 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can a mod move this from Home to the correct board?

Post # 9
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I just suffered a mc due to ectopic pregnancy. It will get better but it definitely is a roller coaster. And some days you feel like you are back to normal and then bam it hits you again. It is difficult for people to understand if tey haven’t been through it. That is what I struggled with. People I told have been super understanding, listen, supportive,etc. But they don’t really get it. 

I have made a conscious effort to make small goals for myself. That has helped me to move forward. I still have tough days. But the more I try to do things that I can control the better I feel. I wish you te best of luck. I hope you feel better soon. But it does take time. 

Post # 10
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really sorry. I don’t have any good advice. I went the “fake it till you make it” route. I didn’t really have a choice–we were living with my two nieces at the time, and I was the nanny/maid/cook/etc for them when my SIL wasn’t home (and often when she was). They wouldn’t have been able to understand me shutting down, even though it’s what I wanted to do. I put a big fake sunny smile on my face and went through the motions. And to be honest, I didn’t start to feel over it until I got pregnant again, but then that’s a whole new can of worry and stress and paranoia. 

The only thing I can really say is to give it time. One day at a time. A pregnancy loss is traumatic, physically, mentally and emotionally. Most people can’t bounce back right away, and those who think they can are lying to themselves. 

And even if you never completely get over it, it gets easier to deal with. 

Big hugs sweetheart. 

Post # 11
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve never been through a mc so I have no idea the hurt you are going through right now but I did want to pass on some wise advice I’ve been told when dealing through hardship in your life:

Take one day at a time. In that one day, set yourself ONE and only one goal. Start with something small, like “today I will hang the washing out”. Allow yourself to grieve, but also achieve your set goal for the day. Let your husband in on what you are feeling, and if you feel ok, allow him to help you set these small goals for yourself- don’t struggle alone! Maybe after a week you could set yourself a larger goal like “today I will go to the gym”…

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t achieve your goals either, but praise yourself on what you have and can accoumplish.

I wish you all the best honey, it’s not an easy road but I hope you can find peace in yourself once more.

Post # 12
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just wanted to send hugs your way.  I’m sorry you are having such a rough time right now…it isn’t easy whatsoever to go through something like this.  When I lost ours due to miscarriage, it took a long time to heal.  The antidepressants DID help (but you are right, they DO take time to kick in, and it takes a combination of that and therapy to work through the emotions). 

When we had a miscarriage, I found that the best thing for me was to just be able to spend quiet time with my husband.  We made a huge effort to do simple things together that would give us time to be in each other’s company as well as promoting time to talk things through.  It sounds silly, maybe, but our pastor recommended doing puzzles together.  You are working as a team, taking quiet time where you CAN talk about stuff if you need to and the other person is there…or you can just focus on the task at hand if you’d like the distraction.  We also played board games together, went on walks together, read Bible verses together (we weren’t really the church-going type beforehand, but it felt nice to turn towards a higher power during our struggles).

Don’t let yourself feel like a failure.  Chances are good that your husband is depressed too, and it is OKAY if you don’t hit the gym everyday right now.  It isn’t your fault if he’s gained back some weight.  It is alright if you have nights where you want to curl up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream instead of making a healthy meal.  People deal with loss in a multitude of ways…and as long as you can see that it is good to plan for a healthy bounce-back (which it sounds like you ARE planning, since you are taking the right steps to seek help and to realize that you are in a slump right now) then trust yourself to take it slowly. It doesn’t seem like it now, but life will resume eventually, and you can take care of those aspects of it when you are ready.  Right now, you need to focus on your emotional well-being before you can tackle the rest of it, and that is OKAY!!!! My thoughts are with you!!!!

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