(Closed) Steam must be coming out my ears right now. He just doesn't get it.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yikes! I think he is being unreasonable. You can’t “come and go as you please” in a marriage. Well you can, just not in a good one.

These are holiday plans we are talking about and it seems childish for him to behave this way.

Oh men.

Post # 4
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

Is your family doing anything that he’s missing by not being there before the 24th and after the 25th?  It sounds like he’s not going to be there after the 25th because you have to work, if that’s true and HE doesn’t have to work why can’t he go see his family?

He is spending the main days of the holiday with your family, I don’t see why he would stick around town just because it’s your families year, does that mean he can’t see his family when yours isn’t doing anything and you’ll be at work?

I must be missing something here…

Post # 5
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

@PinkAndPearls2013:  I get that your mad but I think that if you throw a ‘dont bother’ about him coming with you to your family gathering, just validates his decision to spend time with his family. I suppose you have a right to be upset but evaluate your wording with him wisely. Do you really want to call off your wedding because you cant come to a compromise like adults? 

Try having a calm and honest conversation with him about your feelings.

Post # 6
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mchitt329:  I’m going to agree with you.

I really don’t see anything wrong with him going to visit his family.  My Fiance is currently a student as well and I wouldn’t mind if he did something like that if we were living together.  If we were long distance (we are) and he had to choose between spending that time with me or with his family and he opted to go with them then I’d be livid. 

Post # 7
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I kind of agree with your Fiance.  He is spending Christmas eve and Christmas day with your family, after that you are going back to work.  If he has the vacation time why shouldn’t he go and spend time with his family.  I know it will be sad not having him at home for the entire holiday season, but it will also be sad for him to just sit at home while you are at work when he could be spending time with his family.

Post # 8
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s so tough trying to deal with different family traditions and fit them in with your own family’s, and it doesn’t help that he wants to spend basically 2 weeks with his friends and family, and only one and a half days with yours. Also, are you going to see his family in the weekend before Christmas?

But I think the days following Christmas (i.e. when he wants to go back to Florida for 10 days) is more of a “vacation time” than Christmas time. This doesn’t sound as if it’s going to be a holiday celebration; it’s more likely going to be a vacation for him. If at all, I think your best bet would be to ask him to delay his trip to Florida in exchange for an extra day or two with your family (i.e. You guys arrive Christmas eve, stay Christmas day, then leave Boxing day or the day after). That way he gets a few days with your family, a few days with his family (prior to Christmas), then he can go on his holiday.

Post # 9
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why would someone change after a wedding?  If you don’t like who someone is now, marrying them seems a bit of a stupid thing to do.  I’m sensing a lot of venom from you towards your partner, and whether its justified or not, is marriage really the best thing?

Post # 10
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You got engaged towards the end of September, but when did the conversation about alternating the Christmas holiday come into discussion? Was this after Thanksgiving? I guess what I am really asking is when did you decide to sit down and make plans for Christmas? Also, did you two decide this together, or was one party more dominant in this request? This is the first time you’re alternating this holiday, and will give you more to build on next year. Sounds like you and he didn’t discuss specifics enough.

Christmas is just one DAY, so if you decided to alternate the DAY (most likely you don’t spend a week with family for Thanksgiving, and it is just the day) then he is right, you are alternating the DAY with family. You’re spending Christmas DAY with your family, he is not. Were you planning on doing things with your family before and after Christmas when he is planning on spending time with his friends? If not, then I honestly don’t see why you can get mad over him not alternating the holiday with your family.

However, if the real reason you’re feeling hurt is because it is still the holiday SEASON and YOU want to spend time with him (and for some reason, I got that from this pos) then you need to tell him that you want to spend more time together this holiday season. If this is the case, just be honest with him. Tell him you want to spend more time together. He doesn’t really need 10 days with his family if you’re going to be alone this Christmas season (and New Year’s I assume?). Sorry if I’m off the mark on this one, it just felt like you were hurting for other reasons than just the ones you mentioned.

Post # 11
325 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, I’d be pissed too.

My SO wouldn’t think of ditching me to spend time with his friends/family like that, even if I did have to go back to school/work; he’d feel guilty running off having fun while I’m stuck at home. ESPECIALLY around New Years!

It kind of sounds like (from the other things you’ve described) that he’s immature. Someone needs to tell this boy that since you’re engaged, you’re his #1 priority.

If you want to stay together, I’d say have a nice long talk, express your feelings using “I statements” (I feel upset because… I feel sad because…) and try to get him to compromise, or at least acknowledge and validate your feelings.

You deserve his help on planning the wedding. You deserve to feel like you’re one unit, you deserve to feel special in his life.

Post # 12
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hrm – I actually see both sides here.

But more than that – the problem of you saying that you don’t think it’ll change after you marry.  You’re absolutely right – it won’t.  So, if you don’t like it now, leave.  Because it’s NOT going to change.  Marriage is just a piece of paper.  It isn’t a miracle worker. 

Back to your main concern – I totally get how you feel abandoned and how it seems essentially like he “has” to come to your family because its your year so he’s going to “squeeze” time in and then ditch you while you have to work and stay at home by yourself for TEN whole days.  But, I also get that he is off and he does want to see his family and just because you can’t go, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have to.  There needs to be a compromise – maybe he shouldn’t go the first few days or maybe he should only go for 5 days instead of the whole 10.  10 days is a long time and I wouldn’t want to be away from my Fiance for 10 whole days – and I certainly know mine wouldn’t want to be away from me either.

I say – compromise this part, but seriously reconsider the whole marriage because of the other things you mentioned.

Post # 13
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’d also like to know if your fiance is going to miss any family functions with his schedule? If not, then I don’t really see the problem. What, exactly will he be mjissing by going to visit his family? If there are things that he will be missing, it’s different, but if he is just missing hanging out with you like any other week, then I can understand why he wants to go on vacation with his family. It definately suckcs that you can’t get off any tme from  your work, but your fiance has no control over that. In a perfect world all things would be equal, but that’s not how life works. And it’s better to try to not keep score. Don’t count days. Just try to find he best schedule for both of you.

Post # 14
687 posts
Busy bee

^futuremrsk18 hit the nail on the head!

Post # 15
412 posts
Helper bee

What does Christms in his family look like? For me, Christmas eve dinnertime on and Christmas day are black-out times, and then everything is negotiable. We’re “flying home for Christmas” and then spending 24-6 with my family and then heading an hour away to hang out in our collegetown for five days. If Christmas with your family has more traditions, it might be an honest misunderstanding. 

I get wanting to go home to see friends for the holidays though; even though flights are pricier, it’s cheaper because everyone congregates there. People have been flying in all this week and weekend, and going to visit those that I try to see AT LEAST once annually in their diverse cities would be a pricey endeavour. However, me and my SO are compromising in that we’re near his hometown, so we’re sticking around until the morning of the 24 so he can see all his friends that have been/will be flying in, and then staying longer on the other end of Christmas to see all of mine. So I can see where the expectation would be that your friends would be joint friends, and that either the two of you would go to his hometown TOGETHER and/oror the two of you would go to yours (and obviously ideally split that time). 

Vacation time after, I’m with him. If you’re not going to be with your friends/family, why should he be? If I could jet to the warm and sunny, I’d for sure do it rather than putter around the house all day. One compromise I could see would be for him to go to your hometown with you, hang out with your friends and family, and then see his hometown friends AFTER you drive home (26-8), and then fly out just before new year’s, since he really doesn’t need to be there for 10 days. That’s assuming they’re in town, which isn’t guaranteed, since they may need to go back to work when you do.

good luck!

Post # 16
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

@futuremrsk18:  +1

I’ve spent up to a week away from my SO to visit my family when he couldn’t go because of his schedule, and he’s done to the same when I couldn’t get time off work. You want to alternate holidays, and that’s what you’re doing. Christmas is one day, and he’s spending 1.5 with your family. Is he missing some traditions or functions by not being there before and after? It seems like you have to go back to work. If he has time off, then I wouldn’t want my SO sitting at home while I’m working. How about he stays through January 1st then heads out so you guys can spend the new year together too? Seems like a good compromise.

And you said he’s in school now. He’ll probably have the same scheduling limitations as you when he’s out of school and working, so as long as he agrees to alternate holidays, then I don’t see it being a big deal later. If he wasn’t willing to spend Christmas with your family, then I’d see that as a much bigger problem.

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