Post # 1
So my backstory is…. I am very lucky to have two sets of parents. My parents have been divorced since I was 6 and I have known my step dad since then (I am 24 now) and he is a big part of my life and he sees me as his own daughter. (He does have another daughter).
I thought long and hard but decided to have my dad walk me down the aisle as he is “my dad” and very much still in my life. I told my step dad this and he kicked off saying how disappointed and upset he was (my dad and step dad hate each other STILL). I did say I would still like him to be a big part of the day and give a speech though. Since then, he has told my mum he never wants to see me again and I am no longer his daughter.
I think this is a huge over reaction as surely he must realise I do still have a real dad too? I think it’s more of a male ego thing to be honest.
Anyway my question is, how can I assure him I still love and care for him even though I “chose” my dad to walk me down the aisle? How else can I include him in the wedding day, without upsetting my dad in the process?
Thankyou so much for any input- it’s really getting to me that I have upset him! (But also on the flip side I think… screw you for trying to ruin my day and my decision!)
Thanks all x
Post # 2
He’s being an emotionally manipulative asshole. What you do, is not give into him. You have nothing to apologize and you are not responsible for catering to his ego.
I absolutely cannot stand people who behave this way. It’s not how you treat people you care about and is incredibly selfish.
Post # 3
It must be hard to hear the person you’ve helped raise and thought of as your own child does not see you the same way. He sees it as you thinking of him as “not your real dad”, which, while may be true, is still hurtful to someone who spent countless hours of time and effort in your life.
So, that said, while he might be allowed to be hurt, he is acting like a total child. He blew this WAY out of proportion and while I might have considered a different approach had he been rational, I would not give in to his behaviour now. I would stick to your plan and repeat something like “I’m sorry you feel that way. I would still love for you to give a speech, but I understand if you don’t want to”. Hopefully once he cools off he will realize what a fucking asshole he is being and snap out of it.
Post # 4
Has your mom reamed him a new one yet?
Post # 5
Before this did you think about walking both dads down. That is what my cousin did with her step dad and birth dad. There wasn’t any drama.
Post # 6
Ummm. Step dad is being an emotionally manipulative douche. Who says that to someone they love!? I mean really think about that
Post # 7
I think there has to be more to this story than you’re telling us- why does your stepdad hate your dad? Did your dad not pay child support, was he not involved in raising you? Did he beat your mom?
Post # 8
Was your bio dad a regular fixture in your life growing up and did he also provide financial support? If so, your step dad’s response seems quite over the top and dramatic. If not, it’s a bit easier to understand how he may feel this is a big slap in the face. What does your mother have to say about this?
Post # 9
Totally this! Stepdad probably assumed he would be walking you down the aisle, and now that he isn’t he has thrown his toys out of the cot. I don’t see this as “emotionally manipulating” but more a case of a man having a tantrum.
Give him some time to cool off, and broach the subject again. You could have them both walk you, though. Honestly it always makes me sad seeing long-term step-parents being put aside for bio parents in weddings, especially when step-parent and step-child are close. Leaving him out is mean, IMO.
Post # 10
beegirl1989 : I did think about this, but thought if I did that then neither of them would be happy with the decision as they have to share the moment. I thought having my dad give me away, and my step dad make a speech was a nice way to include them both. Unfortunately my step dad thinks if my dad is walking me down the aisle, he should also give the speech. Maybe you’re right and that would’ve been the best option in hindsight, but I feel like the damage is done now! 🙁
yupmarried : I think there is more to the story, but all parents decided to not trash talk the other parents to the children, and I probably haven’t been told the full story. However, yes I did see my dad as often as was granted (once on a week night and every other weekend). I obviously therefore saw my step dad more often, and he has contributed more financially in my upbringing.
Also thankyou everyone else for your replies, it’s nice to hear other people’s opinions. Everyone I have spoken to (friends, family) has said I have made the right decision but they completely understand why my step dad is hurt. Maybe he does know more about why I shouldn’t have my dad, but ultimately I thought he is still my bio dad and he loves me/I love him. I don’t want to exclude the step dad and upset him at all.
beethree : my mum thinks ive made the wrong decision (of course she’s biased though) but she said she completely understands why I did make that decision. Shes upset as her husband doesn’t want to talk to her daughter and has just asked me to try and get him to understand the decision. Not sure how I do that without sounding mean, he’s quite a black and white guy and will just think actions speak louder than words. Also Yes, he provided more in my upbringing so this is probably why he has kicked off so much as he thinks he ‘deserves’ to be the one :/
Post # 11
I think your attempt at a compromise by offering one the walk and one the speech was a great idea. I’m so sorry he’s being a butt. I would skip trying to reason with him and talk to your mom instead. And I guess I’d just ask if he still wants to give the speech or not. Man, what a turd sandwich all the way around. I’m sorry!
Post # 12
You haven’t done anything wrong OP, sounds like your Dad has been in your life, so no reason to exclude him on that basis. You could just as easily have picked your Mum, or a sibling, or a grandparent (which lots of brides do in this sort of scenario) or walked with your Fiance, or by yourself, so just because he’s your step-dad doesn’t mean he is automatically the one who walks you down the aisle!
I can understand him being hurt, but kicking off like that and saying you’re no longer his daughter and he never wants to see you again is insane and a completely OTT reaction. Your Mum should be tearing him a new one for that.
Post # 13
Wow, I’m so sorry your stepdad said that to you and is acting this way. My dad and stepdad do not get along well, but had almost equal time with me since I was 12 years old, and I love them both. My husband and I both had to navigate these relationships with parents and stepparents during the wedding. I ended up having all four of my parents walk me to the aisle, together, and then I walked myself the rest of the way. Both my dad and stepdad gave toasts during the reception. They acted like adults.
I don’t really have advice for you – he said he never wants to see you again and doesn’t consider you his daughter anymore, which is possibly the most hurtful thing a parent could say. It shouldn’t be up to you to persuade him of your reasoning, as your mother suggested. He is your parent, and he should act like one. I’m so sorry!
Post # 14
Maybe once your SD apologizes for being a jerk, you could make sure to do a special dance with him at the reception? I went to a wedding recently and the bio dad did the walking and speech, and the SD had a dad/daughter dance.
Post # 15
This will probably upset your Dad, but you could have them both walk you down the aisle. I completely understand your stepdad’s feelings but he has to understand yours as well. You could also dance with both of them separately.