(Closed) step daughter to have her as my BM or not (LONG sorry) i need advice please.

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

She’s a child. You’re an adult. Remember that.

I’m sure she’s going through a really difficult time with her father getting remarried. I know it’s hard to put up with, but she’s acting out because she’s mad/afraid/sad. You need to be endlessly compassionate and loving. She won’t respond to anger. Don’t stoop to her level by kicking her out of the bridal party. 

Post # 4
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

All I have to say is that if my 13 year old daughter spoke like that, she would not be a happy camper at the end of that day. 

Post # 5
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think kicking her out of the wedding should be a punishment for that behavior. I think there should be lots of other punishments and consequences, but not kicking her out of the wedding. 

Post # 6
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As a secondary school teacher I will repeat the mantra ” she is just a child, remember she is just a child”. Do not go to her level, however tempting it might be.

I think in my completely amateur, non judgemental opinion she is feeling pushed out. You had a baby fairly soon into the relationship and you already have two children (girls?). She is hormonal, confused and again…still a child, lol.

She needs to start getting some boundaries and feeling some consequences. I think kicking her out of the wedding is too harsh. Punishment is definitely in order, but maybe not that. Her quite frankly disgusting language and her open use of it has been learnt from someone, somewhere. She needs to realise it is not acceptable anymore. It will be a long process and hard. But consistency is the key. It will be worth it.

Just to maybe try and see things from her point of view, and perhaps Fiance needs to open the lines of communication. Maybe him spending some more time just one on one with her could help.

Post # 8
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Patience and boundaries for all of you.

Post # 10
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

What does your Fiance say about this? I wouldnt just kick her out without talking to him. If he says kick her, then kick her. Cause if you went with out him, that would open another can of worms. Granted if this was my kid talking like this and I was getting remarried, no, they would not be in the wedding. I dont cater to brattiness when she is 13, old enough to know better. And with a baby around she has the nrve to cuss like a sailor. I DONT THINK SO TOOTS!

Post # 12
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

@Toastymama:  That sounds better to have her with him. I wouldnt give her the bouquet and stuff either

No problem 🙂

Post # 13
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

She is not only just a child, but as a 13-year-old girl, she is going through an intense hormonal change. I remember being 13, not having any control over myself, and not really understanding why. It sucks. Don’t kick her out of your wedding party, it sets a bad tone for your relationship. And, you are the adult and need to be there for her.


Edited to add: she also has a lousy mother? Someone needs to be there for this girl.

Post # 14
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

“I refuse to accomodate to her by giving her a bouquet etc.”,

“He wants her to wear a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress … i don’t think she has earned that right in my eyes.”

“She will not be completly thrown out of the wedding, she just won’t be standing on my side with my BM’s holding a bouquet.”

Who’s throwing the tantrums here?? Who’s acting mature for their age now?

Really! Your step daughter is 13 years old. There isn’t a parent in the world who doesn’t dread the teen years for reasons you’ve described above. There isn’t a Bee on these boards who doesn’t remember feeling misunderstood and awkward during that time in their lives either and that’s without the emotional hurdles this young lady has.

Your Step daughter is dealing with emotions that would be hard pressed for some adults to address. She has an addict for a mother, a broken home, two new step siblings (one of which is the exact same age and is viewed as being the “good” daugher)…add to that a new baby who isn’t as easy to ignore because she shares a father with it. No wonder she’s confused, scared and lashing out.

Your response to kick her off of “your side” is further alienation and really what is this? A game of red rover? No. It’s the symbolised beginning of merging your family and your Fiance family. So you’re kicking her back to FI’s side for bad behavior. That’s a real healthy way to start blending a family with a glaring dividing line. You kicking her out is probably just futher proof in her eyes of what a disgrace she is. Trust me when I say this…No one feels pretty when they think they’re a loser. 

What really concerns me here is that you don’t ever mention sitting down with this young woman to talk with her about her fears and concerns. You should want and need her to understand why it’s important she stand by you as well as the maturity and sentiment it requires. I find if you give a teenager a reason to take responsibility for a situation they thrive in accomplishing it. This girl has had a really horrible female influence dominate her early years. You have a real opportunity to demonstrate what a positve female role model can be. So please, for both your sakes, grow up and be the adult in this situation. 

Post # 15
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@musicalrose:  well said.

I have a step sibling the same age. Op I am your daughter, my step sibling is your FI’s daughter. It goes way deeper than you think. By removing her from the wedding you are only reinforcing her image that you and her fathers new family are a mistake and horrible people. It may not be easy, but you signed up for it and need to show her that you love her as much as your own kids. That means unconditional love.

Post # 16
1 posts

@Toastymama:  She doesn’t have to “earn” her bouquet. She is part of the family and will soon be your daughter. If this post is indicative of your overall behavior toward this child, I can’t say I’m surprised that she is lashing out.

Grow up, act like an adult, and stop talking about spots in your wedding as though they are prizes you can dole out and take away at will. You won’t give her a gift? How petty can you get that you would make it a point not to give your stepdaughter a gift on your wedding day? That’s not exactly a recipe for years of happiness, but it sounds like you don’t really want that anyway-you want to gang up on a 13-year-old on the Internet.  

You can’t shove her aside and hope that she will go away on your special day. Frankly, you’ve given her no reason to support your marriage if you talk about her like this. Counseling.

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