(Closed) step daughter to have her as my BM or not (LONG sorry) i need advice please.

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 32
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sounds like your family has a lot going on with children who need more attention than they are getting. Maybe you should cut out the distractions, have a courthouse wedding and focus on your family.

Post # 33
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

When I was a kid I was a bit of a shit to my stepmother, and a lot of that was because my mom hated her so much.  Looking back, I feel bad that my stepmother bore the brunt of so much resentment.

However, my stepmother reacted by freezing me out of her and my dad’s life, and very specifically leaving me out of family events.  Guess what?  I’m a grown up now, look back and see what happened, and can’t believe that she reacted in such a petty way.  Yeah, I was a brat, but I was a KID.  Kicking your stepdaughter out of your bridal party is just guaranteeing issues for yourself in the future.

Post # 35
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m still speechless at the fact that this lady said oh diddums to her future step daughter. This is a very sarcastic comment that means poor you, you are so hard done by! If I was a 13 year old and had a step mother Who showed that kind of attitude I wouldnt want to be a bridesmaid anyway. 

Post # 36
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Kicking her out of the bridal party will make things worse. It will communicate something along the lines of “you aren’t good enough to be a part of this family.” Especially if YOUR daughter is in the bridal party.

 

Don’t do it. Just don’t do it. I’m telling you. Weddings are not the place for punishment.

Post # 37
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Irish-bride:  I agree. Any stepmom who said that to me would pess me off to no end too.

 

It’s 100% normal for this girl to be angry, upset, and want you 2 to break up. It’s normal. Divorce and re-marriage are really difficult on children. She’s allowed to feel this way.

Post # 38
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

There has been some excellent advice given.  Unfortunately, you seem intent on excluding her from YOUR bridal party, making she she’s not wearing the same dress as YOUR girls, making sure she doesn’t get a bouquet that she hasn’t earned.  She HAS earned it…through all the sh*t this girl has gone through over the years.  You want to shove her over to her dad’s side, (and only because he refused to have her completely out of the wedding or you would have cut her out there, too, from the sound of things) and put her in board shorts?  Really?!  She’s a thirteen year old girl who obviously has some major emotional and self-esteem issues…you KNOW she has expressed she feels ugly, and you want to dress her like a boy on one of the most important days of your, (and HER!) life?

Please, please, please change your stance on this.  The punishment does not fit the crime.  Like charlii.rouge said, there should be consequences for her behavior, but not this.  She will remember your exclusion of her for the REST OF HER LIFE, I promise you.

I think this girl needs some serious indivdual and family therapy, (because this is a whole family problem, not just HER problem).  Perhaps a qualified therapist could help her work on some of her concerns, as well as get to the root of what’s going on at bio-mom’s house that is leading her to act out so severely before visits.  Maybe visits need to be eliminated, reduced, or supervised.

I understand you are beyond frustrated, but have you reread your posts?  You make it seem as if your children can do no wrong, and this poor girl is left out in the cold.  Her dad and her mom split up, mom is a druggie, and now dad has a new baby, and she has two new step-siblings who are favored, (and believe you me, kids KNOW when you favor another child over them).  Even though it’s not your or DH’s intention, she probably feels replaced.  And you say they divorced eight years ago and he’s had other relationships since then…that means NOTHING to a thirteen year old, especially since her father didn’t marry any of those other women.

Also, don’t put all the blame of her potty mouth on bio-mom.  Seriously, what GRANDPARENTS say,”  F*** her i hope she dies and burns in hell” about their GRANDCHILD?!  I don’t care if she is the biggest witch with a capital ‘b’ in the world, she is a CHILD, she is their GRANDCHILD, and it’s disgusting that they would speak that way about her.  I hope she didn’t hear them, but is it even remotely possible she didn’t hear them?  Now her own grandparents are turning against her.

This poor kid.  I want to give her a hug so badly.  She needs love, kindness, patience, and understanding more than she needs iPods and TVs, (I’m not saying you don’t love her, but I just don’t think she feels it, especially when you kick her out as a BM).  She needs a professional to help her understand what she is thinking and feeling, to help her deal with her anger and fear in an appropriate fashion.  She needs to stand at the altar in the same dress as the rest of the girls, with the same bouquet so she looks and feels included and beautiful.  I would suggest she be allowed to choose which side she wants to stand on, but as you’ve made it abundantly clear to her that you don’t want her on your side, I don’t think she would choose your side anyway.  Tell her you DO want her on your side as a bridesmaid, that it doesn’t make her behavior acceptable, but that you would regret not having her there on such a special day.  And mean it.

Post # 39
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Miss Apricot:  thank you for pointing out it was her grandparents that said that too. Hoping your 13 year old granddaughter burns in hell?

I have no words.

Post # 40
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It wasn’t the grandparents Who said it. The 13 year old said it about her wicked stepmother. 

Post # 41
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Irish-bride:  Actually, in the original post, it says the girl said she was f-ing sick of this s and left the table, and the OP’s future in-laws (which would make them the girl’s grandparents), said they were f-ing sick of it too, and hope she died and burned in hell. I assume they were referring to the OP’s step-daughter, though it could have been the OP herself?

Post # 42
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

No she is explaining that the house they were in was the child’s grandparents house and that the grandparents were her future inlaws that’s all, if you notice that these two facts are in brackets. It was the 13 year old who said burn in hell etc. 

Post # 43
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Irish-bride:   It was the 13 year old who said burn in hell etc.


Okay, I see what you’re saying….looks like you’re correct.  It was confusing with all the quotations and asteriks as to who was saying what.  Looked to me like the grandparents said it.  It makes me feel SLIGHTLY better that they didn’t.

Post # 44
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If that was me my mom would pop me in the mouth especially at that age… She needs some serious talking to because speaking to adults like that is disrespectful! I would have kicked her out my wedding too!

Post # 45
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Where is the accountability of this girl’s father?

I have an 11 (will-be-12-next-week) year old daughter.  Her dad and I divorced when she was 4.  I dated, but did not include her (we lived with my mom and I went out after she was in bed, she knew I was out with a “friend” etc) and I did have one long term relationship (3 years) who was involved with her (but did not develop a ‘family’ bond etc).  I am now engaged and will be married this December.

I just wanted to give you the backstory, because I feel qualified to answer this question.

When I began dating my Fiance, and we realized it was going to be a relationship…. much of our conversations were about how to make this transition comfortable FOR MY DAUGHTER.  How to introduce them, how to develop a relationship between THEM that did not include me and also how to develop a relationship that centered around the THREE of us, in addition to the realtionship he and I were developing between the two of us.  And doing all of that without neglecting the relationship between me and my daughter.

Now, I want to make it clear that she is the child and I am the adult.  She didn’t have a “vote”.  But it’s my job to make sure that the environment she is in is healthy and that I surround her with *people* who will nurture and care for her the way that I nurture and care for her.  That will take time to get to know her as a person.  that understand that the relationship between Fiance and my daughter is almost as important as the relationship between Fiance and me….. because this is a family.

I can’t imagine being a teenager and objecting to the woman my father is going to marry.  And having him marry her anyway.

I can’t IMAGINE going forward with a relationship if my daughter had turned into a mess.  And I can’t imagine being with someone who would be ok marrying me if my child objected.  I can’t imagine marrying someone who would make my daughter feel bad about herself IN ANY WAY.  I can’t imagine staying in a relationship where my daughter spoke negatively about the person I was going to marry.

I don’t mean to pass judgement on your Fiance, but what was he thinking to not spend his time FIRST helping his daughter?  THEN having a social life?  His role is PARENT FIRST.  His allegiance should be to HIS DAUGHTER FIRST.  His time should be aligned so that he getting her help.  And I can’t imagine being with anyone who would NOT put his kids first.  I can’t imagine marrying someone who would think their needs would come before the needs of a child.

You are not marrying a man.  You are marrying a family.  And I am mortified that every single resource you have is not going toward making this family healthy and filled with love.  Whatever it takes.  To make your famly healthy.

I feel for you and your girls (who are innocent but have been dragged into a bad situation).  How is this good for your girls?  What are they learning about how a family functions?  What are they learning about our responsibility to help others deal with their pain?  I feel for your soon-to-be-husband, who is mis-guided and is probably doing as much damage to his daugther as her drug-addicted unhealthy mother, by aligning himself with yet another woman who does not put his child first.

But mostly I feel bad for your soon-to-be step-daughter.  Because the seeds of abandonment and feeling unloved sow deep.  It will take her a lifetime to work through this chaos that was her life as a child.  And it will take her longer because she has no one fighting in her corner.

One of the best words of wisdom I ever heard is that to always remember that how badly someone behaves is in direct proportion to how much pain they are in.  Your family is in pain.  And you are planning a wedding that will further that pain.  How can you do that?

Post # 46
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@3xaCharm:  One of the best words of wisdom I ever heard is that to always remember that how badly someone behaves is in direct proportion to how much pain they are in.  Your family is in pain.  And you are planning a wedding that will further that pain.  How can you do that?

I am referencing your entire post, just didn’t want to quote the entire thing, but I APPLAUD YOU, MADAM!  +One billion!

ETA: This thread makes me want to cry.  And I can’t believe there are people saying they would kick her out of the wedding, too!  I wholeheartedly agree that she’s behaving like a little sh*t, but is excluding her from the bridal party and refusing her a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress and bouquet really called for?  That’s a permanent scar on this girl’s already battered heart.

The topic ‘step daughter to have her as my BM or not (LONG sorry) i need advice please.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors