(Closed) Step mum trouble! (RANT)

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should I do with the step mum?
    Let her sit next to my dad at the top table : (12 votes)
    16 %
    Let her sit at the top table but next to the groom's father. : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Make her keep her original seat and give her another position of honour in the wedding : (7 votes)
    9 %
    Tell her its my wedding, not hers and she will have to sit at table 1. : (24 votes)
    32 %
    Change the seating to the USA style with bridal party at top table only, no parents. : (30 votes)
    41 %
  • Post # 3
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    In general I take the position that it’s inconsiderate to sit spouses/partners separately at weddings. I see why this is a somewhat different case, though. But why not forgo the head table setup and remove the need to choose which person to upset? I know the setup you describe is traditional in some circles, but it doesn’t really adapt too well to the realities of modern life, which may be why it’s been falling out of favour over time.

    Also, your step-mum sounds like a spoiled, manipulative brat. But I suspect you know that.


    Post # 4
    2869 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Ughhhhhhh wow that is a crappy dilemma.  I’m not sure of the answer.  My dad is from Edinburgh, born and raised, would it help if I asked his and my (English) mum’s opinions?

    Post # 6
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    she definitely was dramatic about it, but i do feel it’s very rude to not sit your dad with his wife.

    Post # 7
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    Sit them together and keep her at bay. It will make things easier for you in the long run, if she’s going to behave like a child now imagine how she will act at the wedding if she hasn’t got her way. 

    Post # 8
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    So the traditional set-up is that the mother of the bride and father of the groom sit together, and the mother of the groom and father of the bride sit together at the other end of the table?? So, if I’m understanding this properly, even if your step mother were seated at the table, technically she shouldn’t be sat next to your father anyway!

    At the end of the day, it’s your wedding. It’s your and your fiance’s special day, so if there are particular people you want to honour and celebrate for their role in your lives, then that is your decision. Unfortunately, though if you’re worried that your father and step mother may pull out some of their financial support, then you’re obviously going to have to be careful how you handle it. I generally don’t respond well to emotional manipulation, though, and will often just refuse to co-operate (regardless of what the issue is), if I feel that the other person is being manipulative.

    Perhaps reach some middle ground by saying to your dad “I see that it’s really important that you and step-mum sit together. In that case, I’ll put you on table 1 with her, and we can have someone else at the head table (or not).” If they want to sit together, let it be on your terms – it sounds as though you don’t want her at the head table, so perhaps having him sit somewhere else with her might work.

    Post # 9
    8438 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I think those traditions were set up well before blended families started being more common. I can definately see where your step-mother is coming from and to me it is a slight on her. You have basically told her that you do not see her in any way shape or form as being a parent. That is a bit of a slap in the face don’t you think? Especially since she and your dad are paying for a majority of the wedding. She probably thinks you are happy enough to accept their money but not happy enough to recognise her as a step parent.

    Post # 10
    7736 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Even if she was your real mum, she wouldn’t be sitting next to her husband. You could try explaining that.

    Failing that, since they are paying, I think you should change to the USA (and Australian) style of no parents at the head table. Yes, that isn’t what you want, but when someone else is paying you’ve got to compromise.

    Post # 11
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @ms-valentine:  and by sit them together I mean don’t do the traditional seating…I am tired and don’t make sense, sorry!

    Post # 12
    3572 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Your stepmom is being a child. I honestly will never understand how women of this age can be so freakin’ petty. (Not just your stepmom, but many women I know or have been acquainted with at that age). Her behaviour/ tantrum is completely unacceptable. 

    That said, I do think she should get to sit next to your dad. Traditionally, parents were married right? Well, that’s not the case anymore so traditions need to change to fit reality. I would be pretty upset if I was travelling (I assume? since you’re in Boulder) to a wedding where my husband was supposed to sit at a table near his ex wife to fit some antiquated sence of family that doesnt’ fit ours while I had to sit at another table. 

    I know that you said you’re not personally slighting her, but it sure looks like a slight from the outside. Not to mention, they’re paying for the majority of the wedding! That means that your SMOM has probably contributed financially, or at least curbed her spending habits for YOUR wedding. IMO, she absolutely should be honoured at the head table. That’s pretty gracious of her to give you money like that, and I can totally see why she’d be hurt or want to pull the money. 

    Look, I’m not trying to be harsh. I get it, I totally do. Totally complicated relationship with my SMOM right here. But at the end of the day, you are digging your heels in for 2 hours and a table on one day. Ruin your relationship with you SMOM on this, and you will $%@# up your relationship with not just her, but also your dad, for years to come. Is it really worth THAT?

    Post # 13
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    As a step mum i can see why she would be upset. If I had but a lot of effort in my step daughters wedding wether financially or otherwise. I would feel extremely hurt not to be sat up there with her on her big day. I suppose it depends on your relationship with her. But not sitting her at the table is inconsiderate and your basically saying she’s not part of the family

    Post # 14
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @Liverpoolbride:  +1.  I agree that the traditional set up you are describing really doesn’t accomodate what many families look like today.  I also have to be honest that I am not familiar at all with the traditional set up you are talking about and I wouldn’t care for that at all.  I’m a 3 time MOB – and I have stepdaughters in there.  I would never be too keen about sitting separately from my husband but that IS very traditional here in the USA also.

    I do think it is a bit of a slap to say “yes, I know you and dad are paying for a lot of the wedding, but you will be relegated to a regular table and not with my dad, in a place of honor.”  Yeah, I think she could have handled herself a bit better, but I don’t blame her at all for feeling very slighted.  I do encourage you to rethink this.

    Post # 15
    21 posts
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Oooooh that is tricky. In this situation I personally would choose not to sit the parents at the head table.

    I understand how your Mother would be upset by your Dad’s new wife sitting at the table and I also understand how your Step Mum would feel being excluded and also not getting to sit with her partner (who doesn’t like to sit with their partner), that said as a few people have pointed out she wouldn’t necessarily be sitting with him anyway.

    I’m a Step Mum myself, and for a while there my daughter also had a Step Mum as well, granted our children are much younger lol, but I do understand the jealousies and insecurities that come with blended familes.

    I do think that if you are accepting a substantial amount of money from your dad and step mum they do deserve a little more consideration than if you were paying for the wedding yourself. Also how long she has been your step mum for would have a bearing on how upset she should reasonably be about not sitting at the head table. If she has been a part of your life for many years especially if you were a child and she actually acted as a parent at some point then I would understand her being a bit more upset.

    That said this is YOUR wedding and all parents concerned step or otherwise should be mindful of the fact that you also should not be placed in an awkward position.


    Post # 16
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @gingernutjo:  Sorry OP but I would take my mother’s feelings into consideration before your step mother’s. I don’t understand how for a couple of hours she can’t take a step back and let your mother have that honor that is due to the mother of the bride. If your mum wasn’t there I could understand, but that’s not the case. 

    The topic ‘Step mum trouble! (RANT)’ is closed to new replies.

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