(Closed) Step-Parent and Parent argument about 9 year old sleeping in our bed.

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
Post # 33
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Lulume:  You and her dad are the best ones to protect her.  If she’s having nightmares and bed-wetting on a regular basis you may want to carefully, gently ask her some questions about her mother’s home, or have dad consider taking her to a pediatrician, just to be safe.  At the very least I’d keep a close watch over this precious child.

You definitely did the right thing here and I’m so glad he’s in agreement with you now.  I’m sure you both were just exhausted and stressed out, always hard to have a conversation at those times, lol.

Post # 35
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Au Jardin:  I have to agree with this. My Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law have co-slept with their son since he was born (he’s almost 2), and I find it weird. I would be really uncomfortable allowing a child of any age to sleep in my adult bed. (They were given a crib and used it for storage.)

OP, I would suggest to your Fiance that his daughter see a doctor or something. At 9 years old, she should not be having frequent nightmares or wetting the bed/herself, and because she is, I feel like there’s something else going on. Those are signs of sexual abuse. :

Post # 36
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

One thing that might help with the accidents is to completely restrict liquids 45 minutes before bedtime.  DS was having frequent accidents and we stopped doing any liquid before bedtime; then he goes potty before we read stories (we usually read for 20-30 minutes), and then goes potty again before lights out.  My guess is that if she had a couple dry nights in a row, she would start to gain confidence and control; this might carry over into her sleeping better at night, too.

Post # 37
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@KatieLu:  I don’t agree with this statement.

OP, I am a proponent of co-sleeping but I support you fully in feeling that this isn’t the ideal solution in your situation. I think the noise machine suggestion is a good one. I’d also suggest buying a cot and keeping it somewhere easily accessible. If the little girl is scared to sleep on her own, your Fiance can sleep on a cot in her room. I’d definitely try to have a talk with the girl and see if she has any insights — is she scared, lonely? What might help her feel more secure? A special nightlight, a special stuffed animal, some kind of magic charm? I really think involving kids in finding solutions to their problems is valuable.

Post # 38
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Lulume:  I highly recommend the monitor thing you wrote about. I have no kids myself but my brother was a chronic bed wetter up until he was about the same age. Nothing worked for my parents until they got him what looked like a beeper- that would vibrate when it sensed moisture. It took some time with it, but that was the only thing that helped him get past bed-wetting. 

Edit: I was also not allowed to sleep in my parents bed. If I had a bad dream my dad would lovingly setup a sleeping bag on the floor next to their bed. I can only remember going in there two or three times & sleeping on the floor. It’s scary but it will help boost her confidence in herself & her abilities to control her emotions/feelings. 

Post # 39
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

After my parents divorce my sister and I would sometimes sleep in my mom’s bed on the weekend or if we were sick. Once she got remarried this stopped. I think you are 100% right and its not appropriate. 

Post # 40
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

We share custody of my SO’s 3 year old.  Up until 6 months ago, his mother was single and they would co sleep which made things difficult for us. He’d come in to our bed every night and would only snuggle up to me so I’d be the one getting woken up by his fidgeting, while half hanging off the bed. Then she started seeing someone and was all about working with us to get him to self soothe. If the rules aren’t consistent at both houses, your kids might have trouble adjusting. It took us about a week of putting him right back in bed and letting him cry it out. Now, he will still come to our room when he has a nightmare, but i’ll just give him a quick cuddle and a kiss and then tuck him back in.

It sounds like her mom is really uninterested in helping out..I would ask your Darling Husband to continue to try to explain to her that it is in your SD’s best interest. I would also speak to her pediatrician.

Post # 41
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Lulume:  I can tell you that you are totally right on this one.  I don’t have kids, but I see it from the child’s perspective because it’s how my mother treated me.  I am now 32, and for the longest time I’ve had trouble sleeping alone.  I would always need a light or the TV on, or I would need someone to be in the room with me. 

My mother was often alone with me since my father was always gone on business.  She would let me stay up with her and watch scary movies, and of course, I would inevitably have a nightmare and go sleep next to her in her room.  This continued on until I was around 11, when I was finally allowed to sleep over at friends’ houses. 

I still have trouble falling asleep/staying asleep if I am by myself.  It’s horribly unhealthy, and his daughter is lucky to have someone like you looking out for her.

Post # 42
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My fi has 2 boys from his previous marriage. They will be 4 and 5 next month. Their mother lets them sleep in her bed (which I find inappropriate) so they expected to do that with daddy. We just repeated that mommy may let them do that but they can’t do it with us. It took awhile but they are now fine with it and never ask to sleep with us. If one has a nightmare or cries out one of us goes in and checks on and comforts them.

Post # 43
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have a nine year old daughter.No way is she sleeping with me.Tell him to get her a night light and take her back into her room when she wakes up.She is a biig girl.

Post # 44
3621 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My husband has two boys from a previous relationship (5 & 8). I’ve been around since they were 1 & 4. This has NEVER been allowed. I would be very uncomfortable with this. However, I do realize that our situation is a little different by the fact that the mother hates me and would be incredibly angry if she found out something like that was happening. 

Either way, I would not be ok with that. I don’t feel like you’re in the wrong on this one.

Post # 45
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh boy I have been there and feel your pain. I have step daughter’s ( both under 6 so not the same entirely) and I guess their Mom lets them sleep in her bed so they think they are going to do it at our house. I am not a fan of co sleeping at any age and never did that with my own child. I was SO incredibly uncomfortable having a child not related to me in the bed so I spoke up. I’d let him know how uncomfortable you are 🙁

Post # 46
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012


I really don’t care if you don’t agree with me. I’m still going to agree with what all the child development books say rather than you. Sorry.

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