Step parent issues please help

posted 9 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

Can you explain more? More information would be helpful. 

Post # 3
Member
3287 posts
Sugar bee

I am confused. Do you mean every week HE (your fiance) is wanting to have camp outs with his daughter?

Assuming that was a typo…are we talking one night a week here, and you sleep with him the other 6 nights? Also what does “camp out” mean, like they cosleep together?

I’m not sure I’d make 1 night out of 7 my hill to die on personally, but I can see being a little annoyed by it. Do you know if he plans to continue this indefinitely, like after you guys are married? Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

Post # 4
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There’s some pronoun confusion in this post, but if I’m reading this right your male fiance’s 8 year old daughter is requesting camping nights with her father once a week and you’re feeling like she is competing with you for your fiance’s affection? 

I think this is rather sad.  At 8 years old she is probably struggling with understanding how your upcoming wedding will impact her relationship with her father. She is 8 years old, she needs love, understanding and reassurance that her father will still be there for her and that her new step mother will also love and support her. 

What she doesnt need is a grown woman who is threatened by a child’s relationship with her father.  Unless there is a WHOLE lot more to this situation that you havent shared, then yes, you are wrong.   

Post # 5
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

Can you join the camp outs, at least sometimes? Make them a family thing?

Surely you arent jealous of an 8 year old? Please talk this through with your fiance. Blended families are tough and they require good communication and emotional maturity.

Post # 8
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee

I think it sounds like she is demanding way too much. He needs to set some boundaries with it.

Post # 9
Member
790 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Stepmom77:  I think youre wrong. She is only 8 years old! And there are other kids? I’m sorry, but this is what being a step parent is. You spend a lot of time with the kids, and do a lot of family things. 

If this isnt what you want, thats fine. But you need to be honest with yourself and your fiance and move on.

Post # 10
Member
6342 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
@Stepmom77:  So one night a week an 8 year old girl wants to spend camping out in the basement with her dad for some one-on-one bonding time? Is that right? This sounds great to me. Honestly, when I was that age my dad was my whole world. He was my best friend and I would’ve loved having that time with him, just the two of us, one night a week.

How many other children are in your household? Are YOU just jealous of this time or are the other kids complaining? I would imagine right now your fiance’s daughter is going through a whole host of emotions with the upcoming marriage and this is her way of trying to spend some more time with her father. It would be nice maybe if sometimes you’d join them and make it a family night but I think letting them have their time alone together is a good thing too. 

Post # 11
Member
3287 posts
Sugar bee

There are some inconsistencies in your post. You say you spend “every minute dedicated to the kids” but then say this camping out thing happens “weekly.” You complain that this should be “your time.” Again is this camping out business once a week, as in one night out of 7? If so that is not every minute and still leaves 6 other nights for “your time” no?

If you literally are spending every free moment on the kids then I agree that’s an issue and yall need to carve out some quality time for yourselves as a couple. Perhaps you can plan a once a week date night after the kids go to bed, even if it’s just a movie on the couch. But I fail to see how camping out once a week in the basement is in and of itself such a big problem? Maybe there is additional context missing from your post…

Post # 12
Member
1761 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve been a stepmom for many years and even now that my husband’s son is grown up, I still feel my husband does a lot of things for his child to keep him happy. You have to understand that his daughter will always comes first to him, especially while she is young.  If she didn’t, then I don’t know if he would be a good dad.  It’s good that he wants to spend time with his child – he should!  And you are knowingly marrying someone with a child – you need to accept the whole package.  He has a right to spend time with his daughter as I’m sure that she may also be finding it challenging that her dad is marrying someone that’s not her mom.  If time and boundaries are a concern for you, then have an honest and fair conversation with your fiance about setting time/days for just the two of you to do things alone together.  But there is no reason to feel this is a competition. His daughter is only a child once and then will grow up and live her own life (hopefully).  Marrying someone who has kids means you need to be supportive, patient, and mature about the time your fiance needs to spend with his kids.

Post # 13
Member
7911 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you can’t handle an eight year-old wanting to have solo time with her father one night a week you’re not ready to be a step mom. She’s eight. If she’s still asking for this at thirteen or fourteen you may want to consider counseling but right now she’s in third grade and dealing with changing family dynamics? Try to put yourself in her shoes.

How long have you and your Fi been together? You haven’t answered questions about other children. We’re assuming you share a room/bed with him the other six nights? Does she live with you all the time or is she only there part-time? Do you and your Fi ever plan any one-on-one time?

ETA: I’m a step mom. 

Post # 14
Member
4873 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@Stepmom77:  My niece absolutely loved her dad at that age. He was the best thing ever as an 8 year old. Shes now 12 and she’s becoming a teenager and now he’s just big old daggy dad who takes her to boring camping and fishing shows against her free will and tells embarrassing dad jokes. Yor future step daughters desire to hang  with dad will likely pass in time. I think you are being slightly ridiculous over this and I don’t think its very mature of you to get jealous of a kid. Even in the off chance she is doing it with intention to be spiteful, she’s a kid and it’s likely coming from a scared and insecure place. Be an adult and let them have this time together. It’s short window and she’s likely  to grow out of loving time camping out with dad. You get 6 nights with him and you are begrudging 1 night a week with his kid. You ended up choosing a man with a child so you knew that this comes with the territory of dating a parent. Honestly just deal with it and be kind to a kid who is likely adjusting to a new situation and needs to find ways to affirm  to herself  that her dad won’t be replacing her with a new family.

Enjoy your bed to yourself and have fun doing a starfish in the middle of the bed! Thats all you can do and should do in this  situation. Don’t be the stereotype of the evil step mother because by getting upset oved this you are getting there.

Post # 15
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@Stepmom77:  Does she live with you full time or part time? If it’s part time, you are sleeping with him other nights? If it’s part time I would probably just let this go. It’s hard enough for a child having divorced parents and this may be her way of dealing with it. Maybe she doesn’t get a lot of attention at her mom’s and looks forward to daddy time.

If it’s full time and she is asking every night, that definitely seems excessive but I’m sure it’s just a phase. Does he ever ask if you can be invited or why she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed? If this is the case there may be something larger going on. Afraid of monsters?

The bigger question is are you sure you are ready to marry a man with a child? The child will always come before you. Are you ok with that?

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